Sometimes you go through the lurking edges of your computerized world and find treasures... sometimes these treasures make you catch your breath.
I have been digging in my computer since my original one crapped out - the motherboard died, requiring me to migrate over to a new (to me) computer.
And I found this, circa 2003. And I burst into tears.
Brian was attempting to take photos of us for a sarcastic Christmas card we wanted to design to send to friends who "got" our weird sense of humor. Hence, being in front of "Circus Liquor" a creepy liquor store in North Hollywood. You can see him clicking the remote. It was dark where the tripod was set up and he accidentally pressed the wrong button... so we had a short video clip and he did not plan on it. We did get our photos and designed our Christmas card and sent it out that year. And we inadvertently got a video clip.
A clip that we never intended to have.
We were photo people. We did not do a lot of video at all. Now, I regret that. I wish I had filmed every small pathetic detail of our days. But I did not.
I did not know this was lurking in the computer - when I had downloaded the camera it came with all the photos and sat there quietly, waiting to be noticed. This is a treasure for me. Even if I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, this short little treasure makes me wealthy beyond measure.
Merry Christmas from Circus Liquor...
Love,
Kim
Showing posts with label GRIEVING. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GRIEVING. Show all posts
Panic Attacks - Grief and Bereavement Solutions For... CHILDREN!
I have become somewhat of an expert on the subject of panic attacks, having done great battle with them after Brian, my life partner, died. It was a 21 day journey from diagnosis to his crossing and I was running on so much adrenalin at that point that I am certain that my body chemistry had shifted.
I have posted on this subject before:
GROUNDING TECHNIQUES FOR PANIC ATTACKS
and
WHAT A PANIC ATTACK FEELS LIKE
If you click on the titles, it will take you to those posts...
Occasionally I run across something that I feel adds to these posts... That happened today. There is a youtube video that captures breathing techniques FOR CHILDREN!
I love this. It is good to watch this with your young ones when it is a non-stressful moment so they focus on the skills, practice and have fun. Repeat the phrases that they use, sing along, bodily copy what they are doing in the video - all this will help create a mind map that the kids can go back to when they are stressed out!
Take a look:
Parents, please comment and let me know your thoughts... is this helpful?
Love,
Kim
I have posted on this subject before:
GROUNDING TECHNIQUES FOR PANIC ATTACKS
and
WHAT A PANIC ATTACK FEELS LIKE
If you click on the titles, it will take you to those posts...
Occasionally I run across something that I feel adds to these posts... That happened today. There is a youtube video that captures breathing techniques FOR CHILDREN!
I love this. It is good to watch this with your young ones when it is a non-stressful moment so they focus on the skills, practice and have fun. Repeat the phrases that they use, sing along, bodily copy what they are doing in the video - all this will help create a mind map that the kids can go back to when they are stressed out!
Take a look:
Parents, please comment and let me know your thoughts... is this helpful?
Love,
Kim
A Widowed Person's Review of the Sitcom "Go On"
SPOILER ALERT
The 2012 television series Go On answers the question - how would an narcissistic male in the sports radio industry grieve?
Ryan, our main subject, is played by Matthew Perry, who is 1 month into being widowed when we start the pilot.
Ryan has two communities that he is engaged with.
One is his work community - a sports news casting / interviewing show - that Ryan is doggedly trying to interact with after his loss. Ryan needs to be at work. He needs to have the diversion of his profession, as well, we see his replacement host performing his job and we are lead to wonder if he can stand having someone else fill his role. He spends hours working late with his assistant and spends time with his superior. Yet, Ryan is considered to be "in denial" regarding his loss by corporate. The main work characters are trying hard to uphold him, support him and help him - and one way they are trying to help is by requiring 10 group sessions at the local Transitions Group, which is the second community.
The Transitions Group is full of oddball characters who cross talk and have a large spectrum of losses (not all human deaths). Ryan does NOT want this community and is resistant to participation with the group on it's own terms. By the end of the first session he attends, Ryan has engineered the group into competing against one another in a friendly, sportsman-like NCAA-style brackets way on whose loss is worse. Ryan is a advocate for stop talking and instead to go do something. He even lies initially about the cause of how wife's death. The group is also trying to get Ryan to cope on a more honest level with his loss, but can be whipped into a frenzy by his force of personality.
Finally, at Ryan's home, there is the solitary gardener that is not informed of his wife's death for over a month.
Later we learn that Ryan's wife died due to texting while driving. He displays hostility when he fights with someone who is texting while driving.
Ryan does not want to go home at night and tosses and turns in the martial bed, finally giving up and sleeping on the couch. In this more honest depiction, the writers hint and allude to the fact that they may eventually reveal the soft underbelly of this character. It will be necessary for them to depict greater depth for us to care about Ryan and in order to make the series less of a mish-mosh of caricatures and more of complex and interesting story.
We are shown Ryan's loss is propelling him involuntarily to be engaged in new ways with people. In these new experiences he is trying to pull out with full force all of his old methods of narcissism and action in dealing with his loss. We can assume that there will be lessons to be learned in the episodes that follow if the series is to be thought provoking.
I have watched numerous shows from the pilot phase progress to find an interesting and full-bodied voice, and I have seen others evaporate. It will be interesting to see where this one goes. Initially, I am not drawn with anticipation to this show because the grief group characters seem rather vapid and cartoon-like, with the exception of the lesbian who lost her wife. The counselor is made light of and the dynamics within the grief group are made extremely silly. For me to be hooked, I will need to see an arc of character development within the next 6 episodes. Otherwise I will begin to loose interest fast.
The workplace being depicted as supportive and aware that Ryan needs a grief group - this is only partly believable. It is only plausible because Ryan is the "star" of their show and corporate needs to keep him stabilized. Most workplaces, where the rest of us spend our days post - loss, are totally unattuned to such matters.
I am not offended by the series being a sitcom about widowed life. It has potential to help people think behind laughter, to entertain and enlighten - if it is bold and intelligent enough to achieve such a goal. The writers are hinting to us that they are capable of this level of material. Several of the actors are certainly capable of this level of performance. But, it is too soon to tell.
Love,
Kim
The 2012 television series Go On answers the question - how would an narcissistic male in the sports radio industry grieve?
Ryan, our main subject, is played by Matthew Perry, who is 1 month into being widowed when we start the pilot.
Ryan has two communities that he is engaged with.
One is his work community - a sports news casting / interviewing show - that Ryan is doggedly trying to interact with after his loss. Ryan needs to be at work. He needs to have the diversion of his profession, as well, we see his replacement host performing his job and we are lead to wonder if he can stand having someone else fill his role. He spends hours working late with his assistant and spends time with his superior. Yet, Ryan is considered to be "in denial" regarding his loss by corporate. The main work characters are trying hard to uphold him, support him and help him - and one way they are trying to help is by requiring 10 group sessions at the local Transitions Group, which is the second community.
 |
| NBC's Go On - a new series about a widowed person |
The Transitions Group is full of oddball characters who cross talk and have a large spectrum of losses (not all human deaths). Ryan does NOT want this community and is resistant to participation with the group on it's own terms. By the end of the first session he attends, Ryan has engineered the group into competing against one another in a friendly, sportsman-like NCAA-style brackets way on whose loss is worse. Ryan is a advocate for stop talking and instead to go do something. He even lies initially about the cause of how wife's death. The group is also trying to get Ryan to cope on a more honest level with his loss, but can be whipped into a frenzy by his force of personality.
Finally, at Ryan's home, there is the solitary gardener that is not informed of his wife's death for over a month.
Later we learn that Ryan's wife died due to texting while driving. He displays hostility when he fights with someone who is texting while driving.
Ryan does not want to go home at night and tosses and turns in the martial bed, finally giving up and sleeping on the couch. In this more honest depiction, the writers hint and allude to the fact that they may eventually reveal the soft underbelly of this character. It will be necessary for them to depict greater depth for us to care about Ryan and in order to make the series less of a mish-mosh of caricatures and more of complex and interesting story.
We are shown Ryan's loss is propelling him involuntarily to be engaged in new ways with people. In these new experiences he is trying to pull out with full force all of his old methods of narcissism and action in dealing with his loss. We can assume that there will be lessons to be learned in the episodes that follow if the series is to be thought provoking.
I have watched numerous shows from the pilot phase progress to find an interesting and full-bodied voice, and I have seen others evaporate. It will be interesting to see where this one goes. Initially, I am not drawn with anticipation to this show because the grief group characters seem rather vapid and cartoon-like, with the exception of the lesbian who lost her wife. The counselor is made light of and the dynamics within the grief group are made extremely silly. For me to be hooked, I will need to see an arc of character development within the next 6 episodes. Otherwise I will begin to loose interest fast.
The workplace being depicted as supportive and aware that Ryan needs a grief group - this is only partly believable. It is only plausible because Ryan is the "star" of their show and corporate needs to keep him stabilized. Most workplaces, where the rest of us spend our days post - loss, are totally unattuned to such matters.
I am not offended by the series being a sitcom about widowed life. It has potential to help people think behind laughter, to entertain and enlighten - if it is bold and intelligent enough to achieve such a goal. The writers are hinting to us that they are capable of this level of material. Several of the actors are certainly capable of this level of performance. But, it is too soon to tell.
Love,
Kim
Camp Widow West Ensues!
I am honored to be leading 2 workshops at Camp Widow West this year. I will be the panel moderator for a discussion on children of widows on Friday late afternoon. And, I am excited to present an intensive on both Friday and Saturday called "Rituals for the Journey."
Camp Widow West™ 2012 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 10-12, 2012.
See below!
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY
Here I am, wearing an Amish hat! (Just kidding!)
FRIDAY ONLY
NOTE: I just learned that anyone who signs up because they heard about camp from me can use the group rate registration which saves them $50!
Love,
Kim
Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times
Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul.
If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.
Centering Prayer:
Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.
Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being. Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.
This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.
You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.
The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.
Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:
Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering.
(If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)
This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.
Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.
Take 3 short inhales.
Let go of 1 long exhale.
Repeat this sequence five times.
This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.
Be well.
Love,
Kim
If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.
Centering Prayer:
Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.
Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being. Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.
This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.
- Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.
- Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.
- When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.
- At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.
- Jesus
- Christos
- Father
- Mother
- Abba
- God
- Love
- Peace
- Mercy
- Yes
You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.
The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.
Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:
Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering.
(If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)
This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.
Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.
Take 3 short inhales.
Let go of 1 long exhale.
Repeat this sequence five times.
This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.
Be well.
Love,
Kim
What a Panic Attack Feels Like
I just was PMing with a friend who is facing the possibility of some serious life-threatening information. He is already having sleep disruption and anxiety. As a preventative measure, I shared with him what a panic attack feels like in the beginning... so that if he should start to careen down that slippery road that he would know what to do.
Likely, if you know what one is and possess the tools to address it in advance, you will be far ahead of most people in dealing with it and can even prevent it from developing.
Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, and may reach a peak within 10 minutes. It might feel like:
A panic attack is a response of the sympathetic nervous system.
Often a panic attack is incorrectly self-diagnosed as a heart attack and the sufferer ends up in an emergency room. It is not unwise to allow an electrocardiogram to rule out a heart attack. Better safe than sorry.
As a refresher, I have 2 other posts that compliment this one:
Working with your life in times of upheaval:
grounding-throughout-impermanence
Preventative information should you feel a panic attack coming on:
grounding-technique-for-panic-attacks
Love,
Kim
Likely, if you know what one is and possess the tools to address it in advance, you will be far ahead of most people in dealing with it and can even prevent it from developing.
Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, and may reach a peak within 10 minutes. It might feel like:
- a heart attack
- a "flashing vision"
- feeling faint or nauseated
- a numbing sensation all over
- tunnel vision
- labored breathing or hyperventilation with the feeling of not being able to get air
- trembling, heart palpitations, chest pain or tightness,
- hot or cold flashes, sweating, dizziness, light-headedness,
- tingling sensations, sensations of choking or smothering
- difficulty moving and disassociation
A panic attack is a response of the sympathetic nervous system.
Often a panic attack is incorrectly self-diagnosed as a heart attack and the sufferer ends up in an emergency room. It is not unwise to allow an electrocardiogram to rule out a heart attack. Better safe than sorry.
As a refresher, I have 2 other posts that compliment this one:
Working with your life in times of upheaval:
grounding-throughout-impermanence
Preventative information should you feel a panic attack coming on:
grounding-technique-for-panic-attacks
Love,
Kim
Compassionate Friends 35th National Conference/ 5th International Gathering
If you're seeking a way to remember and grieve for your child, sibling,
or grandchild with people who understand and don't expect you to be
"back to normal," why not give yourself a gift this summer by attending
the 35th National Conference/5th International Gathering? This is a
unique opportunity to be surrounded by a safe-haven that comes along
only once a year.
July 20-22, 2012 in beautiful Costa Mesa, California!
See more here...
Love,
Kim
 |
| For the loss of a child or sibling |
July 20-22, 2012 in beautiful Costa Mesa, California!
See more here...
Love,
Kim
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - Caretaking My Husband In Hospice
Last Sunday I hauled my tired and weary self to a local church wondering what might be there for me.
As a backdrop to this - I am sad to report that it has been a long time since I have been moved to weep at a Sunday service anywhere. Given that I have spent the last 3+ years traveling around the United States and actively grieving the loss of my soul mate, it seems like I would have cried often during church - generally, tears have not been in short supply. However, very few services have brought me to tears. I suspect this is an indication of how far away my life path has taken me from what a majority of what a church service is about. I have been in the slow grist of death and so much of church seems to be about being in the motion and details of undisturbed living.
But this Sunday, I wept.
Mid-way through the service, after an at-length apology about the lack of inclusive language, the choir sang a choral version of the song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."
This song has been around for many decades. I have heard it enough that I thought I knew most of the lyrics. But, now I am listening with new ears. The ears of a person that assisted someone in crossing over under hospice care.
When you agree to be a caregiver with hospice, you will find yourself doing many custodial tasks - lifting a person physically who can no longer stand on their own two feet. Feeding someone who can no longer hold a spoon. We trim, toilet and wash, comb and brush. We administer meds. And more importantly, we lend a watchful eye to insure the provision of a safe and loving environment for the dying to spend their final days in.
Upon hearing these lyrics, the clouds parted and I was hearing something about love, as if for the first time. There was a clarity of kindness, an honest recognition of the need of community and commitment in our places of being stripped down... the bonds that hold us together in our most fundamental weakness and strengths.
I recognized so much wisdom in the words - so I was determined to know who wrote this song.
There are a lot of details that I might say about the song's origins, but I would like to only focus on one factor - that one of the two co-authors of this song was dying of cancer of the lymph nodes.
Yet, the song is written from the perspective of the one that is able-bodied to assist. Perhaps the lyrics were written by the co-author who was healthy. I am uncertain. Yet, it seems to me that the song being birthed around the dying makes perfect sense. Perhaps this is why the song is so stripped down to the elemental of what rests between human beings. What I imagine - is when confronted by a person who is actively dying or when we are actively dying - that we finally understand what all humans need.
I am a widow. My husband died in June 2008. I miss him so. But, I would do it all over again.
The Lyrics:
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
"He ain't heavy, he's my brother" is a statement of disputed origins, many tales around it's source are interesting. The statement is what is called a paraprosdokian - a phrasing where the second half of the phrase causes the listener to revisit and gain a different understanding of the first part of the phrase.
To illustrate, this is where the assumptive reasoning would take us upon hearing:
"He ain't heavy..."
"... he only weighs 180 pounds."
"... he lost a lost of weight."
"... he is only 5 years old."
Instead, we hear an unexpected reason for the ease of carrying the person...
"... he is my brother."
This is often a device of humor, seldom is it used for an emotionally moving sentence. In this phrase, it alerts us to the bond between human beings as the metric for when something is a burden or a sacred responsibility.
Brian was my life partner, and in that way I would call him a mate as well as a lover and a brother. In 2008, I joined thousands of people who choose the supporting structure of hospice care as a way to carry our brothers and sisters down a long road with many a winding turn , that leads to who knows where , who knows when. I have often said that helping Brian cross over with the least amount of pain and the most amount of love was the most sacred thing I have ever done in my life.
When I meet others that have been caregivers with hospice, there is a connection that occurs - because we know what it means to work to deliver a person to the other side with loving-kindness and peace. We share the art of dying with the nurses and doctors. We do not shrink away from caring for our beloved unto death.
Love,
Kim
As a backdrop to this - I am sad to report that it has been a long time since I have been moved to weep at a Sunday service anywhere. Given that I have spent the last 3+ years traveling around the United States and actively grieving the loss of my soul mate, it seems like I would have cried often during church - generally, tears have not been in short supply. However, very few services have brought me to tears. I suspect this is an indication of how far away my life path has taken me from what a majority of what a church service is about. I have been in the slow grist of death and so much of church seems to be about being in the motion and details of undisturbed living.
But this Sunday, I wept.
Mid-way through the service, after an at-length apology about the lack of inclusive language, the choir sang a choral version of the song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."
This song has been around for many decades. I have heard it enough that I thought I knew most of the lyrics. But, now I am listening with new ears. The ears of a person that assisted someone in crossing over under hospice care.
When you agree to be a caregiver with hospice, you will find yourself doing many custodial tasks - lifting a person physically who can no longer stand on their own two feet. Feeding someone who can no longer hold a spoon. We trim, toilet and wash, comb and brush. We administer meds. And more importantly, we lend a watchful eye to insure the provision of a safe and loving environment for the dying to spend their final days in.
Upon hearing these lyrics, the clouds parted and I was hearing something about love, as if for the first time. There was a clarity of kindness, an honest recognition of the need of community and commitment in our places of being stripped down... the bonds that hold us together in our most fundamental weakness and strengths.
I recognized so much wisdom in the words - so I was determined to know who wrote this song.
There are a lot of details that I might say about the song's origins, but I would like to only focus on one factor - that one of the two co-authors of this song was dying of cancer of the lymph nodes.
Yet, the song is written from the perspective of the one that is able-bodied to assist. Perhaps the lyrics were written by the co-author who was healthy. I am uncertain. Yet, it seems to me that the song being birthed around the dying makes perfect sense. Perhaps this is why the song is so stripped down to the elemental of what rests between human beings. What I imagine - is when confronted by a person who is actively dying or when we are actively dying - that we finally understand what all humans need.
 |
| My husband died in June of 2008 of pancreatic cancer. |
The Lyrics:
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
"He ain't heavy, he's my brother" is a statement of disputed origins, many tales around it's source are interesting. The statement is what is called a paraprosdokian - a phrasing where the second half of the phrase causes the listener to revisit and gain a different understanding of the first part of the phrase.
To illustrate, this is where the assumptive reasoning would take us upon hearing:
"He ain't heavy..."
"... he only weighs 180 pounds."
"... he lost a lost of weight."
"... he is only 5 years old."
Instead, we hear an unexpected reason for the ease of carrying the person...
"... he is my brother."
This is often a device of humor, seldom is it used for an emotionally moving sentence. In this phrase, it alerts us to the bond between human beings as the metric for when something is a burden or a sacred responsibility.
Brian was my life partner, and in that way I would call him a mate as well as a lover and a brother. In 2008, I joined thousands of people who choose the supporting structure of hospice care as a way to carry our brothers and sisters down a long road with many a winding turn , that leads to who knows where , who knows when. I have often said that helping Brian cross over with the least amount of pain and the most amount of love was the most sacred thing I have ever done in my life.
When I meet others that have been caregivers with hospice, there is a connection that occurs - because we know what it means to work to deliver a person to the other side with loving-kindness and peace. We share the art of dying with the nurses and doctors. We do not shrink away from caring for our beloved unto death.
And when people voice how frightening, how hard and awful that might be, I can honestly say that it is awful and hard - but I would do it again for Brian or anyone else that I cared for. Because helping someone die surrounded by safety and peace - as much as is possible - is what we do when we love each other.
 |
| Brian actively dying from pancreatic cancer |
Love,
Kim
The Power of Expression in Grieving
These things bear repeating until we learn them like a childhood song.
Ancient wisdom and modern science both encourage us to be expressive when we are grieving.
MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) research reveals that the brain’s blood flow changes with emotional stress. Blood flows away from the left side – the logic, detail and language center. It flows toward the right side, where feeling, symbols and imagination reside.
Perhaps the body needs more than logic and language during stressful events.
There is a story about the children who survived the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami and their residual terror of the ocean. For months, nothing counselors did could pierce the children’s fears of the waves. Finally, they had the children draw simple pictures of their experience. At the end of the day, the children spontaneously held hands and joyfully ran into the ocean waves together, thus reclaiming the ocean through the power of their drawings.
A UCLA study found that putting feelings into simple words has therapeutic results. When we are stressed a region of the brain called the amygdala is activated thereby initiating many protective biological functions. Neuroimaging indicates that by simply saying a descriptive word about the upsetting feeling you can lightly tap the brakes on those biological responses, making the feelings more physically manageable.
This is similar to ancient “mindfulness” techniques – which are simply the practice of paying attention to what is present and allowing thoughts and sensations without passing judgment or reacting. For example, saying, “I feel angry,” “I feel fear,” or “This is peace.” The result is a “centering” effect.
When you are in a wave of grief, consider simply saying, “I grieve,”, or “My grief is like….” Also, try to take time to do a simple drawing about your grief. You need NOT be an artist to do this.
Here are a few descriptors some people have used:
My grief is like…
… a never-ending stairway, endless closed doors, a mountain range, pounding waves, a marathon, a labyrinth, a house of mirrors, a maze, a vacuum, an octopus, a desert without water or companions.
… a thief, being stalked by a murderer, a tornado, an earthquake, broken bones, boiling, burning, a minefield, shattering glass, a knife, a bomb, being thrown off a horse.
… a river, a cloud, fog, an onion, a heavy blanket, being lost, shadows, marbles hitting the floor.
By selecting one word or description and speaking and/or drawing it, you have become armed with simple art and simple words. You begin to unlock your grief and move toward your healing. Remember: Your story has power.
Love, Kim
Ancient wisdom and modern science both encourage us to be expressive when we are grieving.
MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) research reveals that the brain’s blood flow changes with emotional stress. Blood flows away from the left side – the logic, detail and language center. It flows toward the right side, where feeling, symbols and imagination reside.
Perhaps the body needs more than logic and language during stressful events.
There is a story about the children who survived the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami and their residual terror of the ocean. For months, nothing counselors did could pierce the children’s fears of the waves. Finally, they had the children draw simple pictures of their experience. At the end of the day, the children spontaneously held hands and joyfully ran into the ocean waves together, thus reclaiming the ocean through the power of their drawings.
A UCLA study found that putting feelings into simple words has therapeutic results. When we are stressed a region of the brain called the amygdala is activated thereby initiating many protective biological functions. Neuroimaging indicates that by simply saying a descriptive word about the upsetting feeling you can lightly tap the brakes on those biological responses, making the feelings more physically manageable.
This is similar to ancient “mindfulness” techniques – which are simply the practice of paying attention to what is present and allowing thoughts and sensations without passing judgment or reacting. For example, saying, “I feel angry,” “I feel fear,” or “This is peace.” The result is a “centering” effect.
When you are in a wave of grief, consider simply saying, “I grieve,”, or “My grief is like….” Also, try to take time to do a simple drawing about your grief. You need NOT be an artist to do this.
Here are a few descriptors some people have used:
My grief is like…
… a never-ending stairway, endless closed doors, a mountain range, pounding waves, a marathon, a labyrinth, a house of mirrors, a maze, a vacuum, an octopus, a desert without water or companions.
… a thief, being stalked by a murderer, a tornado, an earthquake, broken bones, boiling, burning, a minefield, shattering glass, a knife, a bomb, being thrown off a horse.
… a river, a cloud, fog, an onion, a heavy blanket, being lost, shadows, marbles hitting the floor.
By selecting one word or description and speaking and/or drawing it, you have become armed with simple art and simple words. You begin to unlock your grief and move toward your healing. Remember: Your story has power.
Love, Kim
Post Trauma Recovery
MSNBC.com on post trauma:
Some never recover. But most do. In fact, nearly two thirds of trauma victims, even those who had extreme pain, say they ultimately benefited from the aftermath of their experience, according to the research of Richard G. Tedeschi, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Tedeschi and his colleagues have tracked outcomes for people who survived accidents and other traumas, such as life-threatening illnesses or the death of a child, and identified a phenomenon they call post-traumatic growth: Some survivors grow closer to people they love; others develop a sense of personal strength or appreciation for life. Still others deepen their spiritual beliefs or change their career and life goals. Women are more likely than men to report these benefits, and even those who are most impaired at first can find their way, as Ferganchick did, to feeling enriched by their ordeal.
What can these women teach the rest of us? As researchers learn more about what makes people resilient, they hope to develop therapies that could lessen negative responses and promote post-traumatic growth instead. “It’s not about getting over it‚ it’s about processing it in the most meaningful way,” Tedeschi says. “You still have your fears and grief and suffering, but you have made your suffering meaningful. If you can learn to do that, you can get through the bad stuff in life and find value in the struggle.”
Some never recover. But most do. In fact, nearly two thirds of trauma victims, even those who had extreme pain, say they ultimately benefited from the aftermath of their experience, according to the research of Richard G. Tedeschi, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Tedeschi and his colleagues have tracked outcomes for people who survived accidents and other traumas, such as life-threatening illnesses or the death of a child, and identified a phenomenon they call post-traumatic growth: Some survivors grow closer to people they love; others develop a sense of personal strength or appreciation for life. Still others deepen their spiritual beliefs or change their career and life goals. Women are more likely than men to report these benefits, and even those who are most impaired at first can find their way, as Ferganchick did, to feeling enriched by their ordeal.
What can these women teach the rest of us? As researchers learn more about what makes people resilient, they hope to develop therapies that could lessen negative responses and promote post-traumatic growth instead. “It’s not about getting over it‚ it’s about processing it in the most meaningful way,” Tedeschi says. “You still have your fears and grief and suffering, but you have made your suffering meaningful. If you can learn to do that, you can get through the bad stuff in life and find value in the struggle.”
A journey of darkeness to light
Written by my friend Gill Mcmullin:
Some years ago now I was just like you,
A normal life, husband, child and dog too
Times had been hard, a struggle to get by
But in good and bad we stood the test of time
A new opportunity gave hope to us all
Finally the break we had been waiting for
The opportunity began, but a cloud stood in the way
A sickness so violent that just wouldn’t go away
Many visits to the doctors, hospitals all very formal
So why did all the tests come back normal
An ulcer it was the medical conclusion
Until a camera revealed that was just an illusion
So what could it be this dark cloud of sickness
Enough was enough it just left bitterness
An emergency operation what would it reveal
The cause of the sickness would now heal.
Finally back to normal filled of hopes and dreams
But as we all know things are never as they seem
A call would do it, a nurse on the phone
Telling us she would visit us at home
Nothing prepares you for what I’m about to say
I just have to tell you it’s the only way
To look someone in the eye when they are told this news
Is to look at a man someone you once knew
For in that moment, my life changed for good
A heart of denial masked with a hood
We can fix this I know we can
Once we know the results of the scan
A pain so deep it’s hard to describe
More so than being sliced with a knife
When every question you ask is answered with no
How can this be he is not even old
A ray of hope, a shining light
A small but chance of a fight
To stop the sickness was the hardest part
Why is my life falling apart
What did I do that was so wrong
How am I supposed to be strong
I fell to my knees as the ambulance came
We knew he would not come home again
How do I tell this young boy of eleven
His daddy he adores is about to go to heaven
With no explanation or reason why
It’s just against the nature of life
A snowy day in November
A small wedding took place, in a tiny room with limited space
No gown, no bridesmaids it seemed so unfair
Only a small band of gold for us to share
A happy moment for us all
A darker day was about to fall
To say goodbye to your son is so hard
For mum too watch on a shattered heart
How to understand you never can
Just how much I love this man
A final kiss was his last request
A heart wrenching goodbye to one of the best.
I walk around each day with a broken soul
Knowing I can never be completely whole
Never tell me how I should feel
For you this is a story, for me this is real.
Years have passed and they have been tough
Some days and nights were just too much
I’m back on track and things are good
My heart is no longer shrouded in a hood
Time does not heal, the scars they are there
Even some days now are too much to bare
I fought a battle each day for so long
I never gave up and if finally paid off
I will never have the answer why this happened to me
But, I am now at peace that his soul is free
I can’t change the past or predict the future
But will be forever grateful that he was my teacher
The love you keep it never goes away
Maybe we will meet in heaven someday
I’m not the same person as I was years ago
I’m stronger and wiser and it’s because of my woe
My heart is wounded again with the loss of my niece
For my brother and family I hope for some peace
Not knowing how they feel, but offer experience from my own
More important to tell them they are never alone
Strength is slowly found in sorrow
There is always another tomorrow
It could be better it could be worse
That is the nature of the hurt
Never underestimate the power of growth
The deeper it’s felt the more it will show
Normality is hard, but balance is the key
It comes from the love it will set you free.
I think she nailed it. Beautiful.
Love,
Some years ago now I was just like you,
A normal life, husband, child and dog too
Times had been hard, a struggle to get by
But in good and bad we stood the test of time
A new opportunity gave hope to us all
Finally the break we had been waiting for
The opportunity began, but a cloud stood in the way
A sickness so violent that just wouldn’t go away
Many visits to the doctors, hospitals all very formal
So why did all the tests come back normal
An ulcer it was the medical conclusion
Until a camera revealed that was just an illusion
So what could it be this dark cloud of sickness
Enough was enough it just left bitterness
An emergency operation what would it reveal
The cause of the sickness would now heal.
Finally back to normal filled of hopes and dreams
But as we all know things are never as they seem
A call would do it, a nurse on the phone
Telling us she would visit us at home
Nothing prepares you for what I’m about to say
I just have to tell you it’s the only way
To look someone in the eye when they are told this news
Is to look at a man someone you once knew
For in that moment, my life changed for good
A heart of denial masked with a hood
We can fix this I know we can
Once we know the results of the scan
A pain so deep it’s hard to describe
More so than being sliced with a knife
When every question you ask is answered with no
How can this be he is not even old
A ray of hope, a shining light
A small but chance of a fight
To stop the sickness was the hardest part
Why is my life falling apart
What did I do that was so wrong
How am I supposed to be strong
I fell to my knees as the ambulance came
We knew he would not come home again
How do I tell this young boy of eleven
His daddy he adores is about to go to heaven
With no explanation or reason why
It’s just against the nature of life
A snowy day in November
A small wedding took place, in a tiny room with limited space
No gown, no bridesmaids it seemed so unfair
Only a small band of gold for us to share
A happy moment for us all
A darker day was about to fall
To say goodbye to your son is so hard
For mum too watch on a shattered heart
How to understand you never can
Just how much I love this man
A final kiss was his last request
A heart wrenching goodbye to one of the best.
I walk around each day with a broken soul
Knowing I can never be completely whole
Never tell me how I should feel
For you this is a story, for me this is real.
Years have passed and they have been tough
Some days and nights were just too much
I’m back on track and things are good
My heart is no longer shrouded in a hood
Time does not heal, the scars they are there
Even some days now are too much to bare
I fought a battle each day for so long
I never gave up and if finally paid off
I will never have the answer why this happened to me
But, I am now at peace that his soul is free
I can’t change the past or predict the future
But will be forever grateful that he was my teacher
The love you keep it never goes away
Maybe we will meet in heaven someday
I’m not the same person as I was years ago
I’m stronger and wiser and it’s because of my woe
My heart is wounded again with the loss of my niece
For my brother and family I hope for some peace
Not knowing how they feel, but offer experience from my own
More important to tell them they are never alone
Strength is slowly found in sorrow
There is always another tomorrow
It could be better it could be worse
That is the nature of the hurt
Never underestimate the power of growth
The deeper it’s felt the more it will show
Normality is hard, but balance is the key
It comes from the love it will set you free.
I think she nailed it. Beautiful.
Love,
FINISHING WELL
Recently there have been several people who were offering consistent leadership and frequent support feedback to the online grieving community that have slowed and/or then stopped. Sometimes they have announced that they need or want to transition out. They are retiring blogs, groups and/or involvement online for many reasons. Ultimately, this is appropriate for them. Many have started blogs out of a deep loss, a deep need for self expression. They write charismatic posts that draw readers... only, after a time, to feel a tug and a pull away from writing on the topic of their grief. I have also observed people who have left the online grief community and returned several times. They are testing their ability to stand apart and find they must return a few times to make their transition complete.
Process is important, both your personal process and the process of your constituents.
Let's discuss honestly the background of what may be happening with you and your online presence. Why do some feel the need to leave the support communities that they have served?
Perhaps you are:
There can be many good reasons for a person to cease or reduce their offering of online support in the grief community. And, there is no reason to feel guilt about any of your reasons. If you feel that your season of offering leadership has concluded, know that there are people who are committed to a long-term vocation of providing online grief support. I use the word vocation QUITE apart from profession or financial compensation... because none of us are making a living doing this! I am referring to a calling. The word vocation is from the Latin vocare (verb, to call), is a term for an occupation to which a person is specially drawn or for which they are suited.
Not all of your reasons are ones that you would share with your readership. However, if you are well aware of your motivations, it will help in order that any less-than-flattering reasons do not manifest unintentionally. Select and choose what to reveal about your process with care. Focus on your readership's needs, their tomorrows - where will they go tomorrow for inspiration, support, compassion or care? Your followers are the newly grieving and recently vulnerable. Your constituents deserve to understand the shift to some degree. Many of them cannot even conceive of a time when they would feel ready to "move on", so they will struggle with understanding how someone else can or would. They also may feel a premature prompt to "move along" themselves if they identify deeply with you. Being "stuck" and "moving on" are huge issues in the grieving world, you owe it to them to handle this with care.
Process the transition with your readership. Do not underestimate the importance of your online presence and involvement. Understand that they still need online support. Be sure to tell them that there are people that are called to the facilitation of grieving people as a vocation and identify a few of those people or websites so your readership have options for support.
So, if you feel the need to conclude active online activity with grieving people... what does "finishing well" look like?
I want to request, for those who are retiring - besides telling your constituents that you are phasing out... you may want to archive your writings so that they are accessible, notify any websites that reference yours that you are retiring - and provide good grief support referrals that are stable for your readership to rely on.
Another idea - select the best parts of your writings and offer them for posting on a long-term grief site so that they can continue to be available within an active online community.
These are some ways you can "finish well."
There is honor in finishing well.
Love,
Let's discuss honestly the background of what may be happening with you and your online presence. Why do some feel the need to leave the support communities that they have served?
Perhaps you are:
-- No longer experiencing the same perceived needsAnother factor may be that many average people find that the online site they were trying to use was not user friendly and they've become weary of technological challenges.
-- Starting to feel like it's work
-- Unacquainted with a lifestyle of volunteering
-- Frustrated with your own personal progress
-- Experiencing compassion fatigue
-- Tired of seeing the same issues of grief arise over and over
-- Feeling marginal - that the larger group could easily go on without you
-- Disappointed with group members who seem hypocritical / angry / depressing / power plays
-- Experiencing increased demands from work / home / other organizations
-- No longer believing in organized help groups
-- Discouraged by cliques
-- Now busy establishing a relationship
-- Now involved with a living child
-- Are too sick physically to stay involved
-- Uncomfortable with another moderator's or leader's approach or activity in the group
-- Choosing a few close relationships with other grievers to stay in contact with that meets your personal needs
-- Connected through similar circumstances and when those circumstances cease - the need for involvement ceases
-- Limiting your time on the internet
-- Disappointed by receiving few visible or tangible responses from people in the group
There can be many good reasons for a person to cease or reduce their offering of online support in the grief community. And, there is no reason to feel guilt about any of your reasons. If you feel that your season of offering leadership has concluded, know that there are people who are committed to a long-term vocation of providing online grief support. I use the word vocation QUITE apart from profession or financial compensation... because none of us are making a living doing this! I am referring to a calling. The word vocation is from the Latin vocare (verb, to call), is a term for an occupation to which a person is specially drawn or for which they are suited.
Not all of your reasons are ones that you would share with your readership. However, if you are well aware of your motivations, it will help in order that any less-than-flattering reasons do not manifest unintentionally. Select and choose what to reveal about your process with care. Focus on your readership's needs, their tomorrows - where will they go tomorrow for inspiration, support, compassion or care? Your followers are the newly grieving and recently vulnerable. Your constituents deserve to understand the shift to some degree. Many of them cannot even conceive of a time when they would feel ready to "move on", so they will struggle with understanding how someone else can or would. They also may feel a premature prompt to "move along" themselves if they identify deeply with you. Being "stuck" and "moving on" are huge issues in the grieving world, you owe it to them to handle this with care.
Process the transition with your readership. Do not underestimate the importance of your online presence and involvement. Understand that they still need online support. Be sure to tell them that there are people that are called to the facilitation of grieving people as a vocation and identify a few of those people or websites so your readership have options for support.
So, if you feel the need to conclude active online activity with grieving people... what does "finishing well" look like?
I want to request, for those who are retiring - besides telling your constituents that you are phasing out... you may want to archive your writings so that they are accessible, notify any websites that reference yours that you are retiring - and provide good grief support referrals that are stable for your readership to rely on.
Another idea - select the best parts of your writings and offer them for posting on a long-term grief site so that they can continue to be available within an active online community.
These are some ways you can "finish well."
There is honor in finishing well.
Love,
A Sensitive Christmas
It went past me so quickly, I almost did not catch it. It was a throw - away phrase.
I was reading about the history of international Christmas caroling (don't ask - I am a geek) and a simple sentence was tucked in amongst all the lighthearted facts about caroling in Greece...
I take a little liberty as I quote the article:
... The candle lighter is the leader of the caroling group... All day he leads the caroling group throughout the city... These carolers have far more consideration for the feelings of their fellow - creatures than English carolers because the candle lighter is always sent on ahead to inquire of the household that they propose to visit if there is mourning in the house...
My reading halted there. This seemed altogether amazing. Could it be that there was, at one moment, a culture that enjoyed the spirit of Christmas - and yet, all the while - demonstrated understanding that the mourning people in their midst needed sensitivity?
I am uncertain as to why or how these Greek people had an unusual level of thoughtfulness for the grieving. Should anyone reading this know the answer, I would love you to comment and tell me.
Those of us that have been grieving over numerous holidays always feel such pressure to conform. Not to ruin everyone's good time. At the very least, not to openly grieve. Yet, here I encountered a hint about a culture that bent low to care for those in grief.
When we are grieving everything burns more hotly, things sound harsher, all of our senses are raw and easily jangled. If you are grieving, know that it might seem like you lost a layer of epidermis.
We no longer have shared cultural responses to death like our ancestors did. But we still need code language to quickly communicate that we need to have our grief taken into consideration. I and many others are trying to begin to build this culture. It starts with being able to express your authentic self, with love, to those in your sphere. When you need to have your feelings taken into consideration over the hype of the holidays, recall that there have been times in human history when the feelings of mourners were taken into consideration, and rest in that knowledge that we are not asking for something that is uncalled for.
I wish you light and life this holiday season.
Love,
I was reading about the history of international Christmas caroling (don't ask - I am a geek) and a simple sentence was tucked in amongst all the lighthearted facts about caroling in Greece...
I take a little liberty as I quote the article:
... The candle lighter is the leader of the caroling group... All day he leads the caroling group throughout the city... These carolers have far more consideration for the feelings of their fellow - creatures than English carolers because the candle lighter is always sent on ahead to inquire of the household that they propose to visit if there is mourning in the house...
My reading halted there. This seemed altogether amazing. Could it be that there was, at one moment, a culture that enjoyed the spirit of Christmas - and yet, all the while - demonstrated understanding that the mourning people in their midst needed sensitivity?
I am uncertain as to why or how these Greek people had an unusual level of thoughtfulness for the grieving. Should anyone reading this know the answer, I would love you to comment and tell me.
Those of us that have been grieving over numerous holidays always feel such pressure to conform. Not to ruin everyone's good time. At the very least, not to openly grieve. Yet, here I encountered a hint about a culture that bent low to care for those in grief.
When we are grieving everything burns more hotly, things sound harsher, all of our senses are raw and easily jangled. If you are grieving, know that it might seem like you lost a layer of epidermis.
We no longer have shared cultural responses to death like our ancestors did. But we still need code language to quickly communicate that we need to have our grief taken into consideration. I and many others are trying to begin to build this culture. It starts with being able to express your authentic self, with love, to those in your sphere. When you need to have your feelings taken into consideration over the hype of the holidays, recall that there have been times in human history when the feelings of mourners were taken into consideration, and rest in that knowledge that we are not asking for something that is uncalled for.
I wish you light and life this holiday season.
There Is No Cure For Memory...
Yesterday's Advent Calendar for Grieving People had a poem by Emily Brontë and I have been pausing there with her. 'Fifteen wild Decembers' means a person who is fifteen years out in her grief. Yet, the poet - who is expert at staying with the feeling places of the heart - shows us where the passing of time might take us, and she shows us her haunted path and tender resolve in the final stanza. I find it highly instructive to consider her matured and seasoned vantage point.
Remembrance
Cold in the earth -- and the deep snow piled above thee,
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
Severed at last by Time's all-severing wave?
Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
Resting their wings where heath and fern leaves cover
Thy noble heart forever, ever more?
Cold in the earth -- and fifteen wild Decembers,
From those brown hills, have melted into spring;
Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!
Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world's tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!
No later light has lightened up my heaven,
No second morn has ever shone for me;
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.
But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,
And even Despair was powerless to destroy,
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.
Then did I check the tears of useless passion --
Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine.
And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?
For the online Advent Calendar for Grieving People, including a video of Emily's poem, click HERE.
Love,
Remembrance
Cold in the earth -- and the deep snow piled above thee,
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
Severed at last by Time's all-severing wave?
Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
Resting their wings where heath and fern leaves cover
Thy noble heart forever, ever more?
Cold in the earth -- and fifteen wild Decembers,
From those brown hills, have melted into spring;
Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!
Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world's tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!
No later light has lightened up my heaven,
No second morn has ever shone for me;
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.
But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,
And even Despair was powerless to destroy,
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.
Then did I check the tears of useless passion --
Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine.
And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?
For the online Advent Calendar for Grieving People, including a video of Emily's poem, click HERE.
Love,
A Bit of Mischief I Have Engaged In...
Grieving people have unfortunate conversations all the time... I can't seem to get embedded videos to work OR links, so we are going to the old school cut-and-paste:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7965769/
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7969359/
Hope you get a laugh out of this...
Love,
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7965769/
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7969359/
Hope you get a laugh out of this...
Love,
Funerals and Memorial Services are not CLOSURE, they mark the beginning...
I have been reflecting on the topic of ritual. Many things might be said, but where my mind was lingering - is that rituals are typically thought of as a signal of the beginning of something.
A christening. A marriage. An ordination. A graduation ceremony - although it marks the end of a school cycle - it is really is more about looking forward and preparing for the next step. Think about the commencement speech. Though it might have a sentimental quality... it's typical focus is the future... Even handshakes and the greeting "How are you?" are a ritualistic way that we begin to encounter one another. Retirement parties are not called "Ending Work" parties - the name signals actually what the next step is - retirement. Usually the person retiring will fill in party-goers on their plans for retirement.
And, usually with these beginnings, the ritual signals the community to be more aware of these individuals... we want to offer them more support in this new phase of existence. Support for the new couple, the new parents, the new graduate.
The only ritual I can think of that the common culture uses with the conception of it marking an "end" of something - is a funeral or memorial service.
Which causes me to reflect on this difference and ask some questions.
For those with a casual relationship to the departed or their family, the funeral or memorial may, indeed, seem like an ending. A closure. Something that has finished. They might attend the ceremony, feel like the process is complete and go on about the rest of their lives.
But for those who are intimately touched by the loss - the funeral or memorial are really just a beginning.
Perhaps we can shift the societal view of funerals and memorials. Maybe we can conceive of it as a different kind of beginning.
It certainly marks the beginning of grief, or a new phase of grief. It is certainly a shift in some people from anticipatory grief to literal grief.
For those intimately effected, on a practical level, it is the beginning of a new set of personal challenges. Re-forming your life's contours. Setting an amended course, perhaps being adrift for a time. Numbness to be followed by acute agony and pain in missing the departed.
But even deeper, it may mark the beginning of a dialogue. A conversation with self, the universe, God or the departed. Maybe it is the beginning of a conversation about ultimate meaning. About the "why" of death. About what makes the little time we have on earth of value.
I would suggest that those who officiate these ceremonies - clergy, rabbis, officiants - need to consider what we do when we lead these services. While looking back at the life of the departed is a good and fitting part of the ceremony and something that certainly everyone wants - looking forward toward the hard days ahead for those who are deeply grieving should be included in homilies, sermons and speeches. We need to be truth-bearers to tell a rather uniformed world that this is not closure, it is just the beginning of a long - sometimes complex - conversation between the intimates of the departed and the emotions and personal circumstances they now find themselves in.
We need to let people know that the funeral or memorial does not give the grieving intimates of the deceased "closure."
It is a beginning. A BEGINNING that signals a need for long-term support.
Love,
A christening. A marriage. An ordination. A graduation ceremony - although it marks the end of a school cycle - it is really is more about looking forward and preparing for the next step. Think about the commencement speech. Though it might have a sentimental quality... it's typical focus is the future... Even handshakes and the greeting "How are you?" are a ritualistic way that we begin to encounter one another. Retirement parties are not called "Ending Work" parties - the name signals actually what the next step is - retirement. Usually the person retiring will fill in party-goers on their plans for retirement.
And, usually with these beginnings, the ritual signals the community to be more aware of these individuals... we want to offer them more support in this new phase of existence. Support for the new couple, the new parents, the new graduate.
The only ritual I can think of that the common culture uses with the conception of it marking an "end" of something - is a funeral or memorial service.
Which causes me to reflect on this difference and ask some questions.
For those with a casual relationship to the departed or their family, the funeral or memorial may, indeed, seem like an ending. A closure. Something that has finished. They might attend the ceremony, feel like the process is complete and go on about the rest of their lives.
But for those who are intimately touched by the loss - the funeral or memorial are really just a beginning.
Perhaps we can shift the societal view of funerals and memorials. Maybe we can conceive of it as a different kind of beginning.
It certainly marks the beginning of grief, or a new phase of grief. It is certainly a shift in some people from anticipatory grief to literal grief.
For those intimately effected, on a practical level, it is the beginning of a new set of personal challenges. Re-forming your life's contours. Setting an amended course, perhaps being adrift for a time. Numbness to be followed by acute agony and pain in missing the departed.
But even deeper, it may mark the beginning of a dialogue. A conversation with self, the universe, God or the departed. Maybe it is the beginning of a conversation about ultimate meaning. About the "why" of death. About what makes the little time we have on earth of value.
I would suggest that those who officiate these ceremonies - clergy, rabbis, officiants - need to consider what we do when we lead these services. While looking back at the life of the departed is a good and fitting part of the ceremony and something that certainly everyone wants - looking forward toward the hard days ahead for those who are deeply grieving should be included in homilies, sermons and speeches. We need to be truth-bearers to tell a rather uniformed world that this is not closure, it is just the beginning of a long - sometimes complex - conversation between the intimates of the departed and the emotions and personal circumstances they now find themselves in.
We need to let people know that the funeral or memorial does not give the grieving intimates of the deceased "closure."
It is a beginning. A BEGINNING that signals a need for long-term support.
Love,
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