Camp Widow West Ensues!

I am honored to be leading 2 workshops at Camp Widow West this year. I will be the panel moderator for a discussion on children of widows on Friday late afternoon. And, I am excited to present an intensive on both Friday and Saturday called "Rituals for the Journey."

Camp Widow West™ 2012 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 10-12, 2012.

See below!

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

Here I am, wearing an Amish hat! (Just kidding!)

FRIDAY ONLY

To see more, go to www.campwidow.org

NOTE: I just learned that anyone who signs up because they heard about camp from me can use the group rate registration which saves them $50!

Love,
Kim

EMDR - what the heck is it and will it help?

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:  

• intrusive memories
• avoidance and numbing
• increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal)

You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a treatment for PTSD.

In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist.

I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.

 In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.

There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds.

Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm.

As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution".

How many sessions will be needed? 

Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals.

I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Love, 

Kim

Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times

Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul. 

If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.

Centering Prayer:

Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.

Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being.  Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.

This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.

1. Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.

1. Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.

1. When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.

1. At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.

Possible sacred words or phrases for Centering Prayer are: 

• Jesus

• Christos

• Father

• Mother 

• Abba

• God

• Love

• Peace

• Mercy

• Yes

You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.

The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.

Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:

Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering. 
 (If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.

Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

Grounding Yourself Throughout the Impermanence of Life and Death

One of the subjects that I cycle back to repeatedly is that of impermanence. 

It is this reality that, though neglected and resisted, will provide understanding, clarity and insight.

Grief can make you feel like you are in a tipping boat, can you trust the process?

But, then, the "boat" may feel very tippy. I do not want to introduce more turbulent, disorientating, depressing or confusing feelings on top of what you are already experiencing. So, where is the stability? Where is the anchor? How can we ground ourselves?

There is a place for ritual and intentional imagination that provides a predictable, meaningful, mood stabilizing, brain building, and above all - centering - result.

Rituals for Grief

WHY USE RITUAL?

A number of studies indicate that the brain finds predictability comforting and is averse to the new, creative, and unpredictable. It appears that if we can't have the familiarity and predictability we crave, we can create it ourselves, thanks to rituals.

Rituals can be complex or simple. Since we are discussing ritual for grieving people, my suggestion is to have simple rituals that contain you and do not require much from you.

Here are some suggested beginning rituals for the grieving:

Grief can be made calm by focusing for a while on a small object of hope.

Daily Observation - Spend three to five minutes doing slow, focused and careful observation of your surroundings.  If you can chose a lovely and/or complex environment, that is all the better to immerse yourself in.

Grief can be calmed by a ritual of nurture.

Daily Tea - Prepare, with intention, a cup of herbal tea. Do this slowly. Select a cup with intention, touch the cup and feel it's surface. Select tea and take great care and attention in preparing the tea (even if it is in a tea bag)... smell the odor of the dry tea. Listen to the sound of the water as it pours into the kettle or pot, place your hand 10 inches from the heat source and feel the heat building (careful not to get too close!). Do not do anything but wait and listen and watch as the water slowly gets to a boiling point. Watch the steam. You get the general idea - it is to make tea for yourself as a very slow and intentional act of nurture and being fully present to the process.

Grief can be addressed by ritual and meaning.

Thankful Ritual - Gather together a couple symbols that represent an ending - such as rings, photos, keys, glasses - anything of your choosing that is symbolic. Hold each item in your hand and note its significance to your wisdom. Say something of gratitude for all the lessons you have learned. Wrap all these remembrances of things past in a cloth together. Keep this wrapped package in a prominent place as an affirmation of wisdom and protection of your emerging self. Whenever you view the wrapped cloth parcel, thank the items again. Keep the parcel out as long as you desire.

Imagination for Grief

WHY USE IMAGINATION?

Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, a scientist at the National Institute of Health, studied the brain. He used the piano as an interface to measure human brain activity.

Having people practice five finger piano exercises, he found that the brain's motor maps of the hand more than tripled for those who did goal oriented practice on the piano.

Those who spent the same time just hitting keys randomly with no structure showed little or no brain effects.

The most surprising effect - a third group who practiced five finger piano exercises by imagination.

"They . . . rehearse mentally -- not manually -- while looking at the key board. After five days the brains of these people were identical to those who had manually practiced . . .

The same cell networks involved in executing a task are also involved in imagining it."

Here are some suggested intentional imagination exercises for the grieving: 

Grief can be made manageable by the power of imagination.

Special Surroundings - Select a favorite place. It could be a garden, a waterfall, a room, or anything else. A place where you feel content and safe. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that favorite place. Walk around slowly and notice the colors and textures around you. Focus on sight, feeling, hearing and smelling. Spend some time exploring each of your senses. And notice how good and relaxed you feel. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Grief can be soothed by relishing memories.

 

A Moment Together - Recall a very happy moment you shared with the departed. Do not allow anything to rob you of the sheer pleasure of this memory. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with them and recall all that transpired. Notice the sounds, sights, colors and textures around you. Spend some time exploring each of your senses as you recall what happened and if you forget how something transpired - do not worry. This is about nurturing your memory and more will come back to you the more you pause to exercise your memories. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Address Stress - Imagine an object, sound or color that represents stress to you. For example, you may choose to imagine the color red, or a rope with knots or a loud startling noise. When you select your image, sound or color, then you take a deep belly breath and hold it for 1 count and then slowly release the breath out of your mouth. Imagine your image slowly transforming into something calming. The color red can slowly fade into a nice soft and gentle color pink. The rope with knots can slowly transform into a smooth and soft silk or velvet fabric. And the loud noise can gradually transform into a soothing sound of ocean waves. Let your muscles relax. If the stress reforms, do not be distressed by the suborn nature of stress but notice it and repeat the above. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment. If you continue this practice you will eventually have more calm states available to you.

These tried and true techniques may assist you if balancing yourself with the impermance you encounter.

 

Love,

Kim

New Programs in the Los Angeles Area

I am negotiating upcoming expressive arts workshops for grieving people at Adult Bereavement Group at Long Beach Memorial Medical Center and The Cancer Support Community in the Los Angeles area. Stay tuned!
Love,
Kim

When the Pain of Grief Turns to Thoughts of Suicide

I have been experiencing an increase of discussion about suicide in many groups, not just the widowed community - even a group that I am in that has nothing to do with grief has several people struggling with accepting the world they find themselves in.

I wrote this because I have had so many conversations of late around the topic and my heart breaks but I want to impart more than sympathy, I want to impart life.

Take what you like and leave the rest, comments are also welcome.

Namaste.

We all suffer.

The suffering in grief is uniquely intense. Recently I have spoken with many widows over their desire to end their pain via suicide. Many experience extreme suffering, and for some the suffering seems unbearable. They assume that the other side is painless and easy.

Since we all have to die in the end, if life becomes unbearable, then why prolong the agony?

Perhaps we imagine that we will be reunited with our loved one(s)?

I turn to the Buddhist tradition to see what it says about suicide...

The main stance of Buddhism is that the only path to peace is by being mindfully present. We can only do this through acceptance.

Buddhists believe that if we engage in mental states based in craving, hatred and delusion will give rise to actions that lead to consequences of increased suffering and decreased happiness.

These mental states and the actions arising from them are termed ‘unskilful’, in that they do not help us or anyone around us - including our children.

Contrarily, mental states that are based in acceptance, love and wisdom will give rise to actions that lead to a decrease in suffering, and an increase in happiness. These are termed ‘skilful’ in that they help everyone.

In other words, when we are grasping relentlessly for something that cannot be fulfilled and we refuse to accept the real and broken world we live in... when we believe that we are at fault for things that are not reasonably within our control... when we hate ourselves and engage in sloppy thinking and expect life to be happy... we are not using skills that will be productive and helpful and life-giving.

When we are able to let go and accept the order of things, that people die as a course of life, even untimely and violently at times... when we bring in love for ourselves and others including anyone that we might consider has wronged us... when we allow reality to have room and we know that everything is about change and impermanence... then we are life-giving and light-bearing in our circumstances.

Buddhists join many traditions that believe that the other side of suicide may not hold the relief from pain that a suicidal person expects...

Here are some quotes:

“Some people commit suicide; they seem to think that there is suffering simply because there is the human life, and that by cutting off the life there will be nothing…

But, according to the Buddhist viewpoint, that’s not the case; your consciousness will continue.

Even if you take your own life, this life, you will have to take another body that again will be the basis of suffering.

If you really want to get rid of all your suffering, all the difficulties you experience in your life, you have to get rid of the fundamental cause (greed, hatred and delusion) that gives rise to the aggregates that are the basis of all suffering.

Killing yourself isn’t going to solve your problems.”


-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama



“According to the Buddhist teaching of cause and effect, since one does not realise the truth of all phenomena, or does not practise to be liberated from life and death, suicide is pointless.

When one’s karmic retribution is not exhausted, death by suicide only leads to another cycle of rebirth.

This is why Buddhists do not support suicide; and instead, encourage constructive living, using this life to diligently practise good, thus changing the present and the future for the better.”

-Chan Master Sheng Yen



“If we do not use this precious body to help ourselves, till when shall we wait to save ourselves?”

- Buddhist Saying

Love,
Kim

"Everyone in my Fable 3 game is dead but me..."

"...what do I do now?"

I am wrestling with this question IRL (in real life). This is a painful post for me, I am weeping as I write this.

I am in a peculiar position for someone of my generation.

My closest intimates are now dead or may be facing a terminal diagnosis, save one. One of my two remaining intimate female friends is currently being tested for Enteropathy Associated T-Cell Lymphoma. If it is the lymphoma - only 20% of patients survive five years from diagnosis, even with treatment. She is only 38 years old.

I am undone by this possibility with regards to her. I care for her, she is a glittering and shining soul. She has many gifts to share with those in need, she has a delightful sense of humor - I love my friend.

I am prayerfully considering her. Being part of hospice for her if the tides sweep us in this direction. Results are being waited on.

Then, my thoughts turn to myself.

This is the stuff that people in their old age face. Not someone in my age bracket. At least not in this time in history. I am widowed. I lost meaningful access to my three step-children. I have had several close friends die from illness, accident or suicide.

So, I sit here, alone, in the beautiful mountains on a Sunday. On Monday, work will overtake me - droves of younger humanity will arrive for programming... programming having nothing to do with existentialism or loss. This morning the birds are a wild fury of food gathering, nest building and mating. I am alone with my thoughts.

I turn to Google.

Surely someone has written about losing all their loved ones. Where are my way-showers?

And I only run across this thread in a video gaming forum.

Now granted, I will go back an refine my search criteria. I entered the words "everyone is dead and gone."  I need to refine my search to get more supportive data.

But this is still worth exploration. I am not a gamer. Being an outsider looking in works well for analysis.

How do gamers deal with everyone dying in a game?

How do game developers deal with everyone dying?

(You can click on the individual screen captures to make them larger. Click your back key to return to the blog post.)

Misspellings have not been edited.

First, we see such anger and desperate attempts to "fix" the problem. "The more I think about it the more angry I get." and "You can go back in time."...

And then the sad conclusion: "...you can only go back top remake the last decisions you made. it doesn't do anything for you."

Ain't that the truth. Maybe I could go back in time to my decisions and picked healthier people to associate with. To marry. To pour into. People who were not targets for accidents, who were not emotional and could not deal with the world on it's terms. People who do not succumb to cancer. But, it does nothing for me...

The thread continues and then one young gamer rants: "this has really anoyed me and i dont want to play it any more its a good game right up untill the end...."

I feel this way right now, in the present moment. I do not want to play any more. It was a really good game.... that is, until the end. This is not my end, not yet anyway. I do not get to purchase another game and trash this one. I am caught within the game. How do I watch everyone that I am close to die (and be on the possible threshold of losing yet another one) at such a young age? I have years ahead of me (maybe?). All the attachments that I have poured into to with dedication and with enthusiasm - are gone or may be gone soon.

I am not THAT old. I soon may have no one to remember any of my younger days with. No one that I told secrets to will wink at me when I am sixty and remind me of some part of my past. My past evaporates except what I can recall, draw out of myself. There is no rich past that will be added to by the commentary of my intimates. I may soon have no one to rehearse memories with and I am only about half way through a normal lifespan.

There is a questioning of the system - "should a year be 360 days?"  (granted, this should be 365 days, young gamer, unless it is a play on the Xbox360 name). There is an expectation of the duration of the game. I admit to having the same expectation. Why is the game over before the expected time frame?

The thread continues with anger and problem solving suggestions to alleviate the woe - and then, boom, there it is:

 Here are the words of a young gamer - "i made all the right and noble decisions. i kept my promises. and they fought along side with me. lives were lost. it happens. life goes on. but id rather re-establish a kingdom knowing a war was one than win a war and have everyone look down upon me anyways because of all i put them through and for not keeping my promises. i guess either way, people would have died. then again, its just a game. and im still alive."

I am taking it that the author meant to say "a war was won" not "one".... nevertheless, life goes on, I am still alive.

But what is being alive without connection? 


And how, at my age, do I even begin to start all over again? I do not have the same possibilities when I was younger. We were all younger, crafting our lives. You do not get to go back. It does not work that way.

Will the remaining days of my life be spent missing so many people and longing for them and finding the future to be nothing but a painful deserted thicket of loneliness?

When game designers craft their stories, how they resolve this dead end, this closed off alleyway? This is not a game with zombies that regenerate and come back again. And there is a community inferred in the relationships in the game.

The thread continues, and at it's conclusion, we read this:

" all you have to do is sleep for a while and they should come back. you dont have to play the lute"

This is how the developers deal with the loss of your entire village. You just take a long nap. Then they all resurrect. You do not even have to play a lute.

I will have a second blog entry that goes beyond this mere series of observations. I do wonder what messages are being absorbed by our children about the nature of death through these subtle nuances within video games. The developers want satisfied customers who keep playing the game, hook others into the game and purchase Fable 4 when it is on the shelf.


Maybe our God, or the universe is not as concerned about having satisfied customers. 

"Fable III" is an popular Xbox 360 and Windows franchise, selling more than six million copies. In "Fable III," players rally and fight alongside their people, ascend to the seat of power, and experience the true meaning of love and loss while defending their throne. In their quest to seize power and defend the kingdom, the choices players make will change the world around them, for the greater good or their own personal gain.


Fable III Xbox 360 was released in October 2010. You can find this thread by clicking HERE.

Love, Kim

Grounding Technique for Panic Attacks

I get asked about tools for panic attacks about 2x a month, so I thought I would post this, as a peer and colleague and not a therapist. Please comment and add your knowledge to the discussion.

Grounding as a Method to Address Panic Attacks

Self-care becomes important when we are grieving. We are the best expert to take care of ourselves and provide ourselves what we need.

You can take care of yourself when you feel a panic attack coming on. You absolutely can have the knowledge and tools to keep yourself settled and calm.

Please read this thoroughly. You may want to print out these instructions and keep them available.

The Idea Behind This Technique:
As the name implies, "grounding" is a particular way of coping that is designed to "ground" you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and reduce the likelihood that you slip into a state of panic, flashback or dissociation. In this way, grounding may be considered to be very similar to mindfulness.

General Instructions:
To ground, you want to use the five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). To connect with the here and now, you want to do something that will bring all your attention to the present moment.



To Begin:
Sit or stand with both feet firmly on the ground. Say to yourself: "I have everything I need to get through this feeling." Repeat that a few times.

3 deep breaths at the beginning and end of the exercise. Remember, if someone is lightheaded or hyperventilating they should breathe in and out into a paper bag 10 times.


Then start the 5's... Specific Instructions:

* 5 Sounds:
Listen for 5 discrete sounds that are different and identify them. For instance: a fan, a dog barking in the distance, the refrigerator humming, your own breathing and crickets chirping. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.

* 5 Sensations:
Touch 5 discretely different surfaces - look for warm, cold, rough, smooth - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Smells:
Smell 5 discretely different odors - fruity, floral, green, spicy, herbal - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Tastes:
Taste 5 descrete tastes - sweet, sour, salty, cold, hot - tastes can force you to stay in the present moment.

* 5 Sights:
Take an inventory of 5 things around you. Connect with the present moment by verbally listing 5 things around you. You could identify 5 colors you see. Count 5 pieces of furniture around you. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.


(Personal note: I used to wake up in the middle of the night with panic. I had two plastic pill sorter trays by the bed. One had tastes in it: salt, sugar, cocoa powder, cinnamon and vanilla powder. One had cotton balls in with different scents in each compartment. This way I could use the 5's right at my bedside. I would sit up in bed, swing my feet over and place them firmly on the ground, open my bedside drawer and pull out my trays and then start my routine.)

Essential oils are great and you can keep on hand to help relax if panicking: specifically lavender and neroli. Clary sage can help relax someone (don't use with alcohol). Lavender is definitely the cheapest alternative and easiest to procure.

That is a start - this system, given to me by my best friend who is an EMDR therapist, absolutely worked for me...

Blessings...
Kim

The Bereaved Are on a Hero’s Journey

The Bereaved Are on a Hero’s Journey
^ link ^
It is so funny that these words had been going through my mind so strongly two days ago, and this article shows up...

Love,

Today's Reflections

Today's accomplishment will be breathing.

This is all you have to do.

If you do more...

Then BONUS POINTS.

Love,