Compassion Fatigue In Peer Grief Support

Compassion fatigue is a term often applied to medical personnel providing support to those facing traumatic circumstances. This powerful term can be applied to numerous alternate settings. The setting that I would like to apply it to is the act of peer care-giving for the bereaved.


There can be tremendous or hidden stress as a result of being engaged and involved with traumatized and grieving people.

My aim is to help those who would like to develop endurance as peers in grief to create practical conditions to sustain an even level of support.



First, know that what you do as a peer in supporting grieving people is very important. Peer support can, merely by virtue of what it is, be an important mainstay of a bereaved person's lifeline.

That said, it is important to understand that perhaps the most powerful thing you do is the most simple thing that you do. When you provide a compassionate witness to a person and their story, you have done a significant thing. If all you do is arrive, witness a person's expression and affirm it with compassionate attention, you have done an excellent job.

Your personal tolerance for grief and endurance for sadness may vary from the next person's. As well, people vary in their tolerance for a wide variety and range of sad and disturbing information. It is important for you to know when the exposure has been too difficult or disturbing for you and notice your stress response as a signal that you need a bit of psychological distance or a break from active peer grief support.

Compassionate care of the grieving is best done when your own self-care is maintained. There are many good techniques out there that can help you keep your self-care in balance so that you can recover from exhaustion or burn out in shorter time.
One system is called the BREADS system. The word BREADS provides a way to remember several concepts. There are two parts for each letter, one physical and one mental.

The twelve parts of the BREADS system are:

B
Breath (from your diaphragm)                  
Nurture your Belief system 

R
Practice Relaxation techniques daily        
Nurture mutual Relationships

E
Exercise 
Educate yourself re: stress

A
Monitor your Attitudes
Lead an Active lifestyle 

D
Eat a healthy Diet 
Determine that you'll be resilient 

S
Sleep well every night
Nurture your Serenity

Another system is H.A.L.T. , which is an excellent tool as well. The idea is to ask yourself the HALT question... Am I

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

?

If I am, then I need to HALT and take care of these factors before I continue any outpouring of compassionate care toward another.

The most powerful thing we offer those in pain is grounded presence and witness. We needn't have expert advice. We need not fully understand every nuance to a person's particular grief.

If we stand with the grieving and are mindfully present to them in a moment of agony, we have been all of what another normal human needs when they are heavy with grief. And the more self-care you mingle with the care of others, the more likely you are to find years of meaningful service to your peers in grief.

PS: I forgot to mention this, but central to my own focus of bereavement support is a belief that it is a privilege and an honor to enter into this sacred moment with another person. I become a richer human being for my contact and connection with a bereaved person. In this way, I enter - not as an expert or a leader - but a compassionate presence and a learner. I will often say things like, "Tell me about your beloved..." - or - "Tell me about your loss..." and allow the person to dictate where our conversation goes. Their story has power and I serve as a witness to their story. In a world that does not listen, much less listen to the bereaved, I believe that this is a powerful gift to share.

Love,
Kim

FINISHING WELL

Recently there have been several people who were offering consistent leadership and frequent support feedback to the online grieving community that have slowed and/or then stopped. Sometimes they have announced that they need or want to transition out. They are retiring blogs, groups and/or involvement online for many reasons. Ultimately, this is appropriate for them. Many have started blogs out of a deep loss, a deep need for self expression. They write charismatic posts that draw readers... only, after a time, to feel a tug and a pull away from writing on the topic of their grief. I have also observed people who have left the online grief community and returned several times. They are testing their ability to stand apart and find they must return a few times to make their transition complete.

Process is important, both your personal process and the process of your constituents.

Let's discuss honestly the background of what may be happening with you and your online presence. Why do some feel the need to leave the support communities that they have served?

Perhaps you are:

-- No longer experiencing the same perceived needs
-- Starting to feel like it's work
-- Unacquainted with a lifestyle of volunteering
-- Frustrated with your own personal progress
-- Experiencing compassion fatigue
-- Tired of seeing the same issues of grief arise over and over
-- Feeling marginal - that the larger group could easily go on without you
-- Disappointed with group members who seem hypocritical / angry / depressing / power plays
-- Experiencing increased demands from work / home / other organizations
-- No longer believing in organized help groups
-- Discouraged by cliques
-- Now busy establishing a relationship
-- Now involved with a living child
-- Are too sick physically to stay involved
-- Uncomfortable with another moderator's or leader's approach or activity in the group
-- Choosing a few close relationships with other grievers to stay in contact with that meets your personal needs
-- Connected through similar circumstances and when those circumstances cease - the need for involvement ceases
-- Limiting your time on the internet
-- Disappointed by receiving few visible or tangible responses from people in the group

Another factor may be that many average people find that the online site they were trying to use was not user friendly and they've become weary of technological challenges.

There can be many good reasons for a person to cease or reduce their offering of online support in the grief community. And, there is no reason to feel guilt about any of your reasons. If you feel that your season of offering leadership has concluded, know that there are people who are committed to a long-term vocation of providing online grief support. I use the word vocation QUITE apart from profession or financial compensation... because none of us are making a living doing this! I am referring to a calling. The word vocation is from the Latin vocare (verb, to call), is a term for an occupation to which a person is specially drawn or for which they are suited.

Not all of your reasons are ones that you would share with your readership. However, if you are well aware of your motivations, it will help in order that any less-than-flattering reasons do not manifest unintentionally. Select and choose what to reveal about your process with care. Focus on your readership's needs, their tomorrows - where will they go tomorrow for inspiration, support, compassion or care? Your followers are the newly grieving and recently vulnerable. Your constituents deserve to understand the shift to some degree. Many of them cannot even conceive of a time when they would feel ready to "move on", so they will struggle with understanding how someone else can or would. They also may feel a premature prompt to "move along" themselves if they identify deeply with you. Being "stuck" and "moving on" are huge issues in the grieving world, you owe it to them to handle this with care.

Process the transition with your readership. Do not underestimate the importance of your online presence and involvement. Understand that they still need online support. Be sure to tell them that there are people that are called to the facilitation of grieving people as a vocation and identify a few of those people or websites so your readership have options for support.

So, if you feel the need to conclude active online activity with grieving people... what does "finishing well" look like?

I want to request, for those who are retiring - besides telling your constituents that you are phasing out... you may want to archive your writings so that they are accessible, notify any websites that reference yours that you are retiring - and provide good grief support referrals that are stable for your readership to rely on.

Another idea - select the best parts of your writings and offer them for posting on a long-term grief site so that they can continue to be available within an active online community.

These are some ways you can "finish well."

There is honor in finishing well.

Love,

Funerals and Memorial Services are not CLOSURE, they mark the beginning...

I have been reflecting on the topic of ritual. Many things might be said, but where my mind was lingering - is that rituals are typically thought of as a signal of the beginning of something.

A christening. A marriage. An ordination. A graduation ceremony - although it marks the end of a school cycle - it is really is more about looking forward and preparing for the next step. Think about the commencement speech. Though it might have a sentimental quality... it's typical focus is the future... Even handshakes and the greeting "How are you?" are a ritualistic way that we begin to encounter one another. Retirement parties are not called "Ending Work" parties - the name signals actually what the next step is - retirement. Usually the person retiring will fill in party-goers on their plans for retirement.

And, usually with these beginnings, the ritual signals the community to be more aware of these individuals... we want to offer them more support in this new phase of existence. Support for the new couple, the new parents, the new graduate.

The only ritual I can think of that the common culture uses with the conception of it marking an "end" of something - is a funeral or memorial service.

Which causes me to reflect on this difference and ask some questions.

For those with a casual relationship to the departed or their family, the funeral or memorial may, indeed, seem like an ending. A closure. Something that has finished. They might attend the ceremony, feel like the process is complete and go on about the rest of their lives.

But for those who are intimately touched by the loss - the funeral or memorial are really just a beginning.

Perhaps we can shift the societal view of funerals and memorials. Maybe we can conceive of it as a different kind of beginning.

It certainly marks the beginning of grief, or a new phase of grief. It is certainly a shift in some people from anticipatory grief to literal grief.


For those intimately effected, on a practical level, it is the beginning of a new set of personal challenges. Re-forming your life's contours. Setting an amended course, perhaps being adrift for a time. Numbness to be followed by acute agony and pain in missing the departed.

But even deeper, it may mark the beginning of a dialogue. A conversation with self, the universe, God or the departed. Maybe it is the beginning of a conversation about ultimate meaning. About the "why" of death. About what makes the little time we have on earth of value.

I would suggest that those who officiate these ceremonies - clergy, rabbis, officiants - need to consider what we do when we lead these services. While looking back at the life of the departed is a good and fitting part of the ceremony and something that certainly everyone wants - looking forward toward the hard days ahead for those who are deeply grieving should be included in homilies, sermons and speeches. We need to be truth-bearers to tell a rather uniformed world that this is not closure, it is just the beginning of a long - sometimes complex - conversation between the intimates of the departed and the emotions and personal circumstances they now find themselves in.

We need to let people know that the funeral or memorial does not give the grieving intimates of the deceased "closure."

It is a beginning. A BEGINNING that signals a need for long-term support.

Love,