Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times

Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul. 

If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.

Centering Prayer:

Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.

Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being.  Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.

This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.

1. Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.

1. Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.

1. When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.

1. At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.

Possible sacred words or phrases for Centering Prayer are: 

• Jesus

• Christos

• Father

• Mother 

• Abba

• God

• Love

• Peace

• Mercy

• Yes

You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.

The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.

Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:

Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering. 
 (If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.

Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

Love Sorrow, a poem by Mary Oliver

Love Sorrow on Prezi

Love,
Kim

Grounding Yourself Throughout the Impermanence of Life and Death

One of the subjects that I cycle back to repeatedly is that of impermanence. 

It is this reality that, though neglected and resisted, will provide understanding, clarity and insight.

Grief can make you feel like you are in a tipping boat, can you trust the process?

But, then, the "boat" may feel very tippy. I do not want to introduce more turbulent, disorientating, depressing or confusing feelings on top of what you are already experiencing. So, where is the stability? Where is the anchor? How can we ground ourselves?

There is a place for ritual and intentional imagination that provides a predictable, meaningful, mood stabilizing, brain building, and above all - centering - result.

Rituals for Grief

WHY USE RITUAL?

A number of studies indicate that the brain finds predictability comforting and is averse to the new, creative, and unpredictable. It appears that if we can't have the familiarity and predictability we crave, we can create it ourselves, thanks to rituals.

Rituals can be complex or simple. Since we are discussing ritual for grieving people, my suggestion is to have simple rituals that contain you and do not require much from you.

Here are some suggested beginning rituals for the grieving:

Grief can be made calm by focusing for a while on a small object of hope.

Daily Observation - Spend three to five minutes doing slow, focused and careful observation of your surroundings.  If you can chose a lovely and/or complex environment, that is all the better to immerse yourself in.

Grief can be calmed by a ritual of nurture.

Daily Tea - Prepare, with intention, a cup of herbal tea. Do this slowly. Select a cup with intention, touch the cup and feel it's surface. Select tea and take great care and attention in preparing the tea (even if it is in a tea bag)... smell the odor of the dry tea. Listen to the sound of the water as it pours into the kettle or pot, place your hand 10 inches from the heat source and feel the heat building (careful not to get too close!). Do not do anything but wait and listen and watch as the water slowly gets to a boiling point. Watch the steam. You get the general idea - it is to make tea for yourself as a very slow and intentional act of nurture and being fully present to the process.

Grief can be addressed by ritual and meaning.

Thankful Ritual - Gather together a couple symbols that represent an ending - such as rings, photos, keys, glasses - anything of your choosing that is symbolic. Hold each item in your hand and note its significance to your wisdom. Say something of gratitude for all the lessons you have learned. Wrap all these remembrances of things past in a cloth together. Keep this wrapped package in a prominent place as an affirmation of wisdom and protection of your emerging self. Whenever you view the wrapped cloth parcel, thank the items again. Keep the parcel out as long as you desire.

Imagination for Grief

WHY USE IMAGINATION?

Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, a scientist at the National Institute of Health, studied the brain. He used the piano as an interface to measure human brain activity.

Having people practice five finger piano exercises, he found that the brain's motor maps of the hand more than tripled for those who did goal oriented practice on the piano.

Those who spent the same time just hitting keys randomly with no structure showed little or no brain effects.

The most surprising effect - a third group who practiced five finger piano exercises by imagination.

"They . . . rehearse mentally -- not manually -- while looking at the key board. After five days the brains of these people were identical to those who had manually practiced . . .

The same cell networks involved in executing a task are also involved in imagining it."

Here are some suggested intentional imagination exercises for the grieving: 

Grief can be made manageable by the power of imagination.

Special Surroundings - Select a favorite place. It could be a garden, a waterfall, a room, or anything else. A place where you feel content and safe. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that favorite place. Walk around slowly and notice the colors and textures around you. Focus on sight, feeling, hearing and smelling. Spend some time exploring each of your senses. And notice how good and relaxed you feel. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Grief can be soothed by relishing memories.

 

A Moment Together - Recall a very happy moment you shared with the departed. Do not allow anything to rob you of the sheer pleasure of this memory. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with them and recall all that transpired. Notice the sounds, sights, colors and textures around you. Spend some time exploring each of your senses as you recall what happened and if you forget how something transpired - do not worry. This is about nurturing your memory and more will come back to you the more you pause to exercise your memories. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Address Stress - Imagine an object, sound or color that represents stress to you. For example, you may choose to imagine the color red, or a rope with knots or a loud startling noise. When you select your image, sound or color, then you take a deep belly breath and hold it for 1 count and then slowly release the breath out of your mouth. Imagine your image slowly transforming into something calming. The color red can slowly fade into a nice soft and gentle color pink. The rope with knots can slowly transform into a smooth and soft silk or velvet fabric. And the loud noise can gradually transform into a soothing sound of ocean waves. Let your muscles relax. If the stress reforms, do not be distressed by the suborn nature of stress but notice it and repeat the above. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment. If you continue this practice you will eventually have more calm states available to you.

These tried and true techniques may assist you if balancing yourself with the impermance you encounter.

 

Love,

Kim

New Programs in the Los Angeles Area

I am negotiating upcoming expressive arts workshops for grieving people at Adult Bereavement Group at Long Beach Memorial Medical Center and The Cancer Support Community in the Los Angeles area. Stay tuned!
Love,
Kim

Daily "Eloquent Grief" Readings from Alive and Mortal

Eloquent: Clearly expressing or indicating something.
Grief: Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.

Something that I did not anticipate with this year's Advent Calendar project was a kind request to continue into 2012 with providing readers with daily readings.

I am humbled and honored that there are a handful of people that would like to continue a connection throughout the year. There is a small cluster of people who are quietly working at grief, impermanence, eloquence and evolving bonds. And I want to go with them.

I became a little overwhelmed over HOW to fulfill such a commitment... and then, I recalled something that I enjoy very much and how I might adapt it to this project.

On the Twitter social network I enjoy following #micropoetry. The people write with the known limitation of 144 characters. There are some amazing and potent words that come through the ether. Similar to haiku, it can capture a universe of meaning in an economy of words.

I was inspired by the tradition of haiku and the #micropoets to open a separate twitter account just for this kind of writing, for tight, brief grounding meditations... and they are linked to here to have them post daily on this blog in the right column... see this image:

These Daily Readings have begun updating. Right now I am futzing over having them update at the same time each day. I am sure I will figure that part out soon.

If you are on Twitter and want them to feed to you via Twitter - see AliveandMortal

Thank you for keeping me on my toes and growing!

Wishes for a Peaceful New Year.

Love,
Kim

A GLIMPSE INSIDE THE ALIVE AND MORTAL ONLINE ADVENT CALENDAR

Today's Alive and Mortal online advent calendar reading is about Christopher Love.

Love was executed as a martyr in 1651 by the authorities as an example to dissuade the Presbyterian uprising.

Love had five children, one of whom was born after his death.

This is something that Love wrote:

"God hath many mercies in store for you;

the prayer of a dying husband,

for you,

will not be lost."

When our loved ones are passing, they may have seconds or minutes or hours or days or years to utter prayers.

They may even not have words, they may not have brain function... but the life force that they possessed radiates loving energy.

We do not know what is going on with them, really, as they die - but I take great comfort in the idea that the dying, just may very well indeed, pray for the living.

If you would like to engage with the online advent calendar - CLICK HERE.

Love,
Kim

Advent for Grieving People

 Again, this year, I offer my free Online Advent Calendar for Grieving People.

You can find it HERE.

You may wish to bookmark it, so that every day you may return to open the next window.

If you did this with me before in the past, this is a new and improved version with more detail.

I hope that you will join me on a journey of growth over 25 days. We will focus on bringing light into dark spaces. Trust that every day there is something for you to discover because you are evolving and unfolding in your soul and heart.

I treasure your companionship.

Love,
Kim

PS There is a "donation" button on the site - if you donate, the monies go to Advientos, the host of the free advent calendar program.

My Humble Reflection on a Piece of Jewelry

I am awestruck and honored today... artist Luis Arriaga Reyes named one of his lovely creations after me. Luis is an Art Director at Sterling Jewelers and also owner of Cafe Arabiga, a venue for gourmet coffee, art and live music in Ensenada, Mexico. We have never actually met, but he knows me through mutual friends and we are on Facebook together. We share the loss of our fathers. He has heard about my loss of Brian. So, he let me know of this piece that he designed with my story in mind...

The moment I saw this lovely piece, I recalled a poem by Pablo Neruda.I am not fluent in Spanish, so I trust that this is correct:

En su llama mortal la luz te envuelve.
Absorta, pálida doliente, así situada
contra las viejas hélices del crepúsculo
que en torno a ti da vueltas.

Muda, mi amiga,
sola en lo solitario de esta hora de muertes
y llena de las vidas del fuego,
pura heredera del día destruido.

Del sol cae un racimo en tu vestido oscuro.
De la noche las grandes raíces
crecen de súbito desde tu alma,
y a lo exterior regresan las cosas en ti ocultas,
de modo que un pueblo pálido y azul
de ti recién nacido se alimenta.

Oh grandiosa y fecunda y magnética esclava
del círculo que en negro y dorado sucede:
erguida, trata y logra una creación tan viva
que sucumben sus flores, y llena es de tristeza. 

The Light Wraps You

The light wraps you in its mortal flame.
Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way
against the old propellers of the twilight
that revolves around you.

Speechless, my friend,
alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead
and filled with the lives of fire,
pure heir of the ruined day.

A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment.
The great roots of night
grow suddenly from your soul,
and the things that hide in you come out again
so that a blue and palled people
your newly born, takes nourishment.

Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave
of the circle that moves in turn through black and gold:
rise, lead and possess a creation
so rich in life that its flowers perish
and it is full of sadness.

Thank you, Luis. His lovely shop may be found HERE.

Lost and Found and Upside Down

Free picture slideshow customized with Smilebox

Love,
Kim

Final Week of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project - Lost and Found and Upside Down

"Speak a new language and the world will be a new world. " -Rumi

Changing your perspective can be a powerful way to unleash yourself.
 
Why? Because normally our brain functions by simply settling on an economic perspective based on first impressions and assumptions.

Upon encountering a challenge, tragedy or problem in our life... we work to solve it. As subsequent challenges arise, we are more inclined to repeat and repeat our previous approach to attempt to solve a similar problem the exact same way (regardless of whether it is, or is not, the best way). This appears to be the default mechanism of our brains - think of it as an economy of process.

Why waste time inventing new scripts when we can draw on the old scripts?

Well, there are all kinds of good reasons to start anew when we have a challenge.

In particular, I find that creativity helps with the challenges we face when we lose a loved one and we wish to sustain bonds with them. The death of a loved one is a vexing problem to be solved on numerous levels.

The level we are exploring here in this series is our bonds with a beloved person(s) and how to evolve when they have died...

Creatives intuitively explore many, many, many different ways to solve a problem. If there are a million ways to look at a problem, perhaps there are millions of solutions to problems; some solutions better than others.

Creatives feel the freedom to start as a child, often seeming childish in their approach with awe, wonder, questioning and curiosity.

“What… Copernicus [and] Darwin really achieved was not the discovery of a new theory, but a fertile new point of view.” - Michael Michalko

When you take the time to change your perspective you are bound to discover new ideas or ways of solving a problem; and it is a certain that some of those new ideas or solutions will be creatively brilliant.

Why not? What the he** do you have to lose? Nothing now. Why not?

Do something upside down or sideways today.

Do something opposite - have an Opposite Day at The School Of Life today...

Take a turn down an unexpected path...

Move toward something that repels you...

A change of perspective will introduce new ideas regarding your evolving bonds with the departed, it is certain to open up an expanse of discovery, love and wonder.

Our  Evolving Bonds Photo Project group on Facebook are in their final week and I will look forward to seeing what they do with this... THE MORE OUTRAGEOUS THE BETTER!

Love,
Kim

Evolving Bonds Photo Project - Exploring the Second Home

Our Evolving Bonds Photo Project Facebook Group is continuing in our 3-week cycle of exploring our evolving bonds with the beloved departed as a group.

It is quite moving to watch the variety, depth and breadth of experiences being contemplated and shared.

Today, they receive their next assignment: A Second Home. The prompt will, hopefully, open space for new or elevated awareness.

 I am honored to be in the company of these friends in the journey.

Love,
Kim

A POST FOR THOSE IN MY EVOLVING BONDS PHOTO PROJECT

A monk asks, "Is there anything more miraculous than the wonders of nature?" The master replies, "Yes, your awareness of the wonders of nature." -- Angelus Silesius

Can you feel a clutter within you that disrupts your pure awareness?

Most of us can if we slow a bit and start asking that question. I invite you to take a breath and sit with that question a moment. See what arises for you.

Behind that clutter - the stacks and stacks of noise and debris - there often lies a rich and meaning-laden world that can be a comfort, anchor, guide and a grounding.

Normally we humans default to low input - we look through the lens of a lens of a lens... it is one of the common human dilemmas... and there is the potential of not seeing each moment infused with meaning, communication and newness.

Grieving people can fall deeply into an agonizing cacophony of distance and disassociation with their surroundings. Pain can cause us to seize up and do what I call "cocooning". Perhaps you are like me? When someone dies, we may find ourselves thrust into a foreign and treacherous land. This is the last place that we want to be, we often seek a deep and dark cave to retreat into.

I, personally, found many of the deaths that I experienced to have this effect of seizing up. There was a difference when my beloved Brian died, though. There was a familiar stinging grey fog over everything, but with a new level of excruciating foreign-ness because I lost my soul mate and life partner.

But what was strange - after years of spiritual practice...

... I found - this confusing terrain that was clouded with fog and daggers would get punched through over and over by unexplainable beauty. Beauty of nature, sound, the kindness of people... textures, sensations, cadences... I thought something was wrong about these sensations at first... but slowly I began to allow them to arrive and instinctively held out my bleeding pain and allow these moments of beauty to wash over the pain to cleanse and nourish me.

And the more I did this, the more it seemed to bear fruit.

Can we dare to believe:  

"The hurt you embrace becomes joy. Call it to your arms where it can change." - Rumi

On Facebook, we have a private group called the EVOLVING BONDS PHOTO PROJECT. We have 12 participants who are very interesting people - and we have a little room for more. I am giving them their first assignment this Sunday morning. They will be looking to how the assignment manifests in their lives this week in an organic way. There are no "right" or "wrong" ways to participate.

Their assignment is called: Unexpected Embraces. 

Think about joining us... there is still time.


Love,
Kim

A Week of Preparation for the Evolving Bonds Photo Project

We have 12 members so far in our Evolving Bonds Photo Project... there is still time to join us - we commence on Sunday, October 16th! Consider being a part of this wonderful group of people who are going to teach each other through powerful reflections on their evolving bonds.

Here are some of my reflections along with Rumi for this week to help us ready our hearts and eyes...

"I am so small I can barely be seen.
How can this great love be inside me?
Look at your eyes,
they are small
but they see enormous things."

When we set an intention to pay attention and take in awareness, many things can come forward that are normally in the background. These are gifts that we have yet to receive. As we bend ourselves toward awareness, the gifts can unfold. The way these gifts present themselves are too numerous to quantify. Here are just a few examples of when the awareness might break through...

“The minute I heard my first love story 
I started looking for you,

not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.”

"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep."

"Is it really true that the One I love is everywhere?"

"This being human is a guest house

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond."


Love,
Kim

The Evolving Bonds Photo Project For Grieving People

I am hosting a new 3 week interactive expressive arts experience – starting October 16, 2011.

The Evolving Bonds Photo Project  

...is an expressive and exclusive community experience where you will:

Use Your Eyes As A Lens To Your Heart:
We'll venture into our world with our cameras and/or camera phones. We will be using our eyes to increasingly move from looking at what is physically present to seeing what is emotionally and spiritually present. 

Use Your Voice As A Tribute To Your Love:
Without pressure, we use our own words or add from prose, memoir, and poetry.

Use Your Relationship Muscles:
If happiness was to be found in focusing on ourselves, we would surely be happy by now!
 
If happiness is found in connecting with loved ones - then, with camera or camera phone in hand, our perception and awareness can be invited to naturally and easily shift in amazing ways. We find new or renewed ways to connect with our departed and members of the group.

The photographs will help us notice, remember and commit to memory the continuing bonds we are experiencing. Telling stories with photos can be powerful and highly communicative to others who you are connecting with through the group. Your story has power. To see our continuing bonds, reflect on them and allow others to bear witness is a powerful tool.

What are evolving bonds?
CLICK HERE for a previous blog post about evolving bonds.

How does it work?

This group will run in three week cycles. You are making a three week commitment.

Prior to the project commencing is our preparation time.

To prepare to participate, find the group on Facebook called: “Evolving Bonds Photo Project”. It is a closed group. Request to be added. If I do not recognize you, I may email you to determine where you heard about the group, to insure that we do not have people randomly join without qualifying purpose.

Next, prepare to have your camera and/or cameraphone with you at all times, arrange to have a cable handy to connect to a computer if you need it, and any photo editing programs that you would like to use.

During week 1 - 3 of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project you will be gifted each Sunday with a theme suggestion to use if you are inclined. Each week you are to capture your evolving bonds in image and/or words. The themes are designed to be progressive.

So in summary:
At the beginning of each week you will receive notice that I have posted in the group the week’s theme to be done within the week.

During the week I will send out an additional message or host an IM chat that is a brief teaching/inspiration interactive session.

What you will get from participating in the Evolving Bonds Photo Project:

•     new levels of intimacy with self, your departed and people in the group
•     exposure to other people’s stories which are  inspiring
•     practice in learning to see your continuing bonds
•     a designated space to stretch your imagination
•     confidence
•     support
•     adventure
•     new levels of awareness of love

And best of all, it is FREE to participate.

The first cycle of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project begins October 16 and ends November 5, 2011.

Consider joining in...

Love,
Kim

Our First Family Grief Camp - Join Us!

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD BROCHURE FRONT
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD BROCHURE BACK

Message me if you would like a pre-printed color brochure - include your full name and address and the quantity you need.

Please let people know that would benefit from such an experience.

Love,
Kim

Camp Widow

Camp Widow Workshop

I am honored to be presenting the intensive workshop to my grieving companions - called Creativity and Evolving Bonds - it has a low cap on enrollments, so if you are keenly interested, please sign up before spaces are gone. I would hate for anyone that is really wanting to participate to be disappointed.

Love, Kim

Preaching to the Choir

The phrase “preaching to the choir” is a clever way to say one is trying to make believers out of people who already believe, or convince people who are already convinced. The exact phrase first appears in print in the 1970s, but is the same idea as an earlier phrase - “preaching to the converted” - which is first used by John Stuart Mill in An Examination of Sir W. Hamilton's Philosophy, 1867.

The idea has also been expressed in another phrase that refers to an unnecessary act, i.e. “kicking at an open door.”

I am going to preach to the choir in this blog post.

The choir is the community of grieving people.

I am pretty certain you already believe what I will say in this post in your heart-of-hearts. Some are living it – but some perhaps not fully, not completely.

Our grieving community - the “choir” members - are often directed by our culture (the conductor of our thoughts and endorsed feelings) not to sing appassionato (with passion). We allow a guest conductor to signal silence or a monotonous tune and the choir is complying to spare the non-grieving world their discomfort.

I talk, write, read and instant message hundreds of grieving people a week. Often there are a chorus of questions seeking affirmation from others, such as: “Does anyone else feel like ...? How can I avoid being totally insane?... When will I feel normal...? How do I do this ____ without making everyone feel _______...? Am I crazy...?”

Your grief creates a dilemma.

Choir of Grieving People: is “normal” a song that you really want to sing anymore? Maybe “normal” – as packaged by western societal messages – is the most boring, predictable but empty tune out there. And to be honest - your real-life situation of losing a loved one – is actually, statistically, more “normal” than you have been lead to believe. 

Have you allowed the world to tell you that your passionate song is wrong? Your tune does not leave the people around you with a comfortable, happy feeling. Do you feel you must hide your love away rather than to disrupt their preferred monotone and droning noise?

It is like our world favors a collapsed tonal scale – and this endorsed and promoted scale has become a sell-out concert for life.

Do we truthfully believe that non-grieving people can tell grieving people how to sing this song of grief? If we do believe it, we have given away our song, our strength, our voice.

What would it mean to you to reject the atmospheric pressure of shame around grief which will, in turn, cause the non-grieving world to either cover their ears or to, at last, to begin listening?

Is the “normal world” with it's denial and lies so attractive and seductive to cause you to abandon yourself and betray your song? You, by being authentically you, can lift your voice and the voice of those grieving along side of you above the suffering of being cultural outcasts in addition to the suffering of your grief. You have an opportunity, as a grieving person, to be fully alive and real in your loss. It is a perfect moment to shed the lies and the half-truths that you have been dressed in for your entire life and sing. 

Sing.

Love,

Kim

The Power of Expression in Grieving

These things bear repeating until we learn them like a childhood song.

Ancient wisdom and modern science both encourage us to be expressive when we are grieving.

MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) research reveals that the brain’s blood flow changes with emotional stress. Blood flows away from the left side – the logic, detail and language center. It flows toward the right side, where feeling, symbols and imagination reside.

Perhaps the body needs more than logic and language during stressful events.

There is a story about the children who survived the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami and their residual terror of the ocean. For months, nothing counselors did could pierce the children’s fears of the waves. Finally, they had the children draw simple pictures of their experience. At the end of the day, the children spontaneously held hands and joyfully ran into the ocean waves together, thus reclaiming the ocean through the power of their drawings.

A UCLA study found that putting feelings into simple words has therapeutic results. When we are stressed a region of the brain called the amygdala is activated thereby initiating many protective biological functions. Neuroimaging indicates that by simply saying a descriptive word about the upsetting feeling you can lightly tap the brakes on those biological responses, making the feelings more physically manageable.

This is similar to ancient “mindfulness” techniques – which are simply the practice of paying attention to what is present and allowing thoughts and sensations without passing judgment or reacting. For example, saying, “I feel angry,” “I feel fear,” or “This is peace.” The result is a “centering” effect.

When you are in a wave of grief, consider simply saying, “I grieve,”, or “My grief is like….” Also, try to take time to do a simple drawing about your grief. You need NOT be an artist to do this.

Here are a few descriptors some people have used:

My grief is like…

… a never-ending stairway, endless closed doors, a mountain range, pounding waves, a marathon, a labyrinth, a house of mirrors, a maze, a vacuum, an octopus, a desert without water or companions.

… a thief, being stalked by a murderer, a tornado, an earthquake, broken bones, boiling, burning, a minefield, shattering glass, a knife, a bomb, being thrown off a horse.

… a river, a cloud, fog, an onion, a heavy blanket, being lost, shadows, marbles hitting the floor.

By selecting one word or description and speaking and/or drawing it, you have become armed with simple art and simple words. You begin to unlock your grief and move toward your healing. Remember: Your story has power.


Love, Kim

The Widow's Gates

They may have discussed marriage or been engaged. They may have been life partners because they could not formalize a legal arrangement. They may have made a heart contract. They may have been together months or decades; lived together or separately.

And then their beloved dies.

These grieving people often express a different kind of grief. Without a state endorsed ceremony and license, the world of widows and widowers appears to them to be a gated community, walled by two pieces of paper – a wedding license and a death certificate. And it is their perception that this gated community keeps them out.

Despite the derivations, one common thread remains – that the word “widow” or “widower” could be challenged if they were to define themselves thus. But there is no existing word for them.

Many have reported that they feel their grief is devalued. Others have lost shared resources, wealth, and relationships. Some have even lost access to children.

The term “widow” and “widower” is code. It stands for the level of personal disruption and hardship a death creates, as well as the measure of the bond and heartache. Since all terms are slippery, the term “widow” or “widower” never will tease out, for example, the surviving partner that secretly wished the partner dead or the spouse that had an affair and was about to leave the marriage only to be slowed by illness or death.

I undertook study of the word “widow” in it's historical context in search of better understanding. As with all research projects, you begin with an intuitive hunch that may or may not bear out. In this case, there are multiple points of interest to bring to the table.

To know what the word widow meant historically, you have to start with what marriage meant historically.

Marriage in Western civilization has a circuitous history, chiefly influenced by Roman, Hebrew, and Germanic cultures.

Marriage is, unfortunately, not easily summarized. From an anthropological perspective, it appears that all cultures view marriage as an absolute necessity. All cultures pressure healthy persons to marry and bear children. Many cultures have gone so far as to have laws that penalized the unmarried and childless.

While generalities are hard to distill, throughout history marriage consisted of a personal agreement that did not involve government or religion until very recently. Marriage was generally conducted as business arrangement between families.

These soft boundaries in relation to marriage also resulted in soft boundaries in relation to widowhood.

The Judeo-Christian influence on our modern society is undeniable. It is interesting to reconstruct our early ancestors understanding of widowhood.

Greek term translated "widow" (chera) means "bereft" and conveys a sense of suffering loss or being left alone. The term chera is not limited to a woman whose husband has died. It is understood as a woman that was left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty.

The Septuagint is the Koine Greek version of the Hebrew Bible, and was written in stages between the 3rd and 2nd Centuries BCE in Alexandria.

The Septuagint's treatment of 2 Samuel 20 includes a story about David taking ten women as his concubines. He put them in ward, fed them, but never had sexual relations or saw them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living each day in “widowhood” - the root of “widow” being the greek word chera. This passage demonstrates a completely different understanding of the state of “widowhood” – one where a husband was actually alive. The scriptures often use the term as to be left "desolate" or "alone". At this time in history, being alone was an especially difficult position because community was everything. There was no honorable employment for women, neither was there government assistance.

Since the outlook for women alone was bleak, the early Christian church began to propose that it was a virtue to assist them. The emerging Christian ethos can be seen in James 1:27, where the treatment of widows was a test through which believers demonstrated the genuineness of their faith.

Chera - “widowhood” - was not limited to a husband's death, nor was it limited by religious or legal constructs around the partnership. A widow could be a woman who lost her partner through divorce, desertion, imprisonment, or especially death. If she marries or remarries, she is no longer a “widow” because she is no longer bereft.

Caring for such a woman was seen as a privilege and a manifestation of God's compassion.

Fast forward to Medieval Europe. The legalities of marriage had actually changed very little. Again, the most common kind of marriage was understood simply by the couple's living together for a time period.

It was in this context - in early part of the Middle Ages - that the root of our word “widow” starts to appear. The Oxford English Dictionary’s earliest citation is before 825 in the Vespasian Psalter: “Sien bearn his asteapte & wif his widwe.” (Orphaned is his son & his wife a widow.) Note the interesting use of the word orphan when the mother is still alive... again, these terms seem to have far looser perimeters than we assign to them. It also reflects a male-centric worldview.

The verb form appears in the Middle English period. From the 14th century Northumbrian poem Cursor Mundi: “Ik am nu widuit of mi spus.” (I am now widowed of my spouse.)

The Indo-European root -"widh" - means to separate, to be empty. The root in Latin is the source of the word: divide. These words imply a state of being rather than a legal condition.

The only sources historians have to determine the civilian histories of widows and widowers are surviving household accounts, personal wills and letters. Historical archives of letters and correspondence indicate that widows were sought after for marriage in Europe in the middle ages. Likely this reflects a motivation to increase power and wealth among families.

Chaucer's Wife of Bath was purported to have “husbands five”. King Henry VII's mother had four husbands. Some wills specified a requirement for their widows to “remain a widow” and not remarry. The Earl of Pembroke stated in his will "wyfe .. . remember your promise to me take the ordyre of widowhood as ye may be the better mayster of your owne, to performe my wille and to help my children, as I love and trust you." They had seven children.

If remarried, these women were no longer considered widows. This might further indicate that the understanding of this word implies that they are no longer left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty.

Fast forward to Colonial America. Since there were few courts or churches available... everyone, including aristocrats, were again back to getting married by living together and declaring themselves husband and wife. These were referred to as common-law marriages.

Today, surveys estimate that the marriage rate in the U.S. is half what it was at it's peak after World War II. Some sociologists posit that we are returning to a "pre-modern pattern" where upper-class people marry to protect their holdings while many others don't marry at all.

With a declining marriage rate as well as delayed or lengthened engagements, we are presented with a lack of words and language for a large population who have lost a significant life partner – people who have endured great personal disruption and hardship, who are immersed in, as I term it: a harsh grief wilderness.

Either the language can become more flexible or new words must be developed to give voice to many people who have loved deeply, committed fully and endured great loss.

Love, Kim

My First 100% Widowed Grief Workshop

I have just signed on to be a presenter at Camp Widow for a 2 1/2 hour workshop.

This is my first 100% widowed participant workshop. While I have done many mixed groups before, this is a specific population.

If you have lost your life partner, you know a very intimate grief. I invite you to listen to the stirring in your heart and say YES! to exploring your "evolving bonds"...

Here is my proposed workshop:

Creativity and "Evolving Bonds" Workshop

In a safe, boundaried and accepting environment we will explore our relationship with the departed as a one of "evolving bonds."

This hands-on workshop will guide participants in expression made tangible by creating a simple tryptic paper collage. In the creative act, your unique and "evolving bonds" can be experienced, expressed and integrated. Time to process your creative piece will be included in the workshop format.

All skill levels are welcome. After all, you bring the material of importance with you, it is already inside you. Low-mess, though please dress comfortably to be creative.

Camp Widow™ 2011 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 12-14, 2011. I can arrange discounted registration fees.

CLICK HERE FOR THE CAMP WIDOW WEBSITE


Love,
Kim