You Are Breathing For Two Now

When someone has died they are no longer breathing. Breath is, indeed, the source of life.

It is not suprising that breath becomes challenging with grief. Our empathy with our beloved's absence of breath may effect our breath on some primitive level. It worked that way for me. Since Brian died, I have struggled with my breath.

I have been observing that breath is critical skill to work with in my grief. 

I decided that, like the old proverb of saying "you are eating for two" when you are pregnant, that I'm saying that "I am breathing for two now" - for myself and for Brian who cannot breathe any more.

I want to encourage all grieving people to breathe better.

Understand, first, the mechanics:

Imagine the diaphragm as a large, sheet that lies underneath the lungs. It works like a bellow that stokes a fire, expanding with the intake of air (inhale) and expelling air (exhale). The inhale expands the abdomen, moving the diaphragm down and massaging the abdominal organs; while the exhale contracts the abdomen, moving the diaphragm up and massaging the heart.
 
Grief can cause two results in our breathing - one is shallow breath where a lack of oxygen is very hard on the body - it can result in a low level of vitality and our lack of oxygenated blood contributes to anxiety states, depression and fatigue. The other result is feeling like you are not getting enough air - no matter how hard one is breathing. This has been called "chronic breathing" or "over-breathing" can contribute to feelings of anxiety, panic and fear.
 
To see where you are with your breath, find a time when you are alone for about 10 minutes. Count your breaths for 1 minute. Our breath is healthy at 6 to 10 breaths a minute. Are you breathing fast or slow? Observe the movement of your chest and abdomen as you breathe. When your chest moves more than your abdomen you are over-breathing.

The Autonomic Nervous System is deeply affected by breath. 

Stretch the neck muscles to aid your breathing practice. Slowly move your left ear to your left shoulder while keeping the spine straight. Extend your right arm down reaching your fingers toward the floor. Switch sides. Practice breathing as you perform this exercise.

Now, sit comfortably and place your hands on your chest, thumbs inside the armpits, middle fingers touching at the chest's center. The middle fingers should move slightly apart upon inhale. Exaggerate that movement by deep inhales for two or three minutes at a time. 

You might visualize liquid being poured into a glass, you will imagine the bottom (diaphragm) gets full first, taking time in pouring, into the middle of the glass (lower lungs) all the way up to the top (upper lungs). 

There are three steps to full breathing: Inhalation (to a count of four); Retention/Holding (to a count of four); and Exhalation (to a count of eight). 

Breathe through the nose. This warm air helps the body use more oxygen.

Our culture is focused with holding on and the act of surrender is often a difficult one. Good breath has a sense of taking in and letting go.
  
Love, 
Kim

Panic Attacks - Grief and Bereavement Solutions For... CHILDREN!

 I have become somewhat of an expert on the subject of panic attacks, having done great battle with them after Brian, my life partner, died. It was a 21 day journey from diagnosis to his crossing and I was running on so much adrenalin at that point that I am certain that my body chemistry had shifted.

I have posted on this subject before:

GROUNDING TECHNIQUES FOR PANIC ATTACKS

and

WHAT A PANIC ATTACK FEELS LIKE

If you click on the titles, it will take you to those posts...

Occasionally I run across something that I feel adds to these posts... That happened today. There is a youtube video that captures breathing techniques FOR CHILDREN!

I love this. It is good to watch this with your young ones when it is a non-stressful moment so they focus on the skills, practice and have fun. Repeat the phrases that they use, sing along, bodily copy what they are doing in the video - all this will help create a mind map that the kids can go back to when they are stressed out!

Take a look:

Parents, please comment and let me know your thoughts... is this helpful?

Love,
Kim

EMDR - what the heck is it and will it help?

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:  

• intrusive memories
• avoidance and numbing
• increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal)

You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a treatment for PTSD.

In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist.

I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.

 In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.

There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds.

Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm.

As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution".

How many sessions will be needed? 

Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals.

I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Love, 

Kim

What a Panic Attack Feels Like

I just was PMing with a friend who is facing the possibility of some serious life-threatening information. He is already having sleep disruption and anxiety. As a preventative measure, I shared with him what a panic attack feels like in the beginning... so that if he should start to careen down that slippery road that he would know what to do.


Likely, if you know what one is and possess the tools to address it in advance, you will be far ahead of most people in dealing with it and can even prevent it from developing.


Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, and may reach a peak within 10 minutes. It might feel like:

• a heart attack 
• a "flashing vision" 
• feeling faint or nauseated
• a numbing sensation all over
• tunnel vision
• labored breathing or hyperventilation with the feeling of not being able to get air
• trembling, heart palpitations, chest pain or tightness, 
• hot or cold flashes, sweating, dizziness, light-headedness,
• tingling sensations, sensations of choking or smothering
• difficulty moving and disassociation

A panic attack is a response of the sympathetic nervous system.

Often a panic attack is incorrectly self-diagnosed as a heart attack and the sufferer ends up in an emergency room. It is not unwise to allow an electrocardiogram to rule out a heart attack. Better safe than sorry.


As a refresher, I have 2 other posts that compliment this one:


Working with your life in times of upheaval:
grounding-throughout-impermanence

Preventative information should you feel a panic attack coming on:
grounding-technique-for-panic-attacks
 
Love,
Kim

Grounding Technique for Panic Attacks

I get asked about tools for panic attacks about 2x a month, so I thought I would post this, as a peer and colleague and not a therapist. Please comment and add your knowledge to the discussion.

Grounding as a Method to Address Panic Attacks

Self-care becomes important when we are grieving. We are the best expert to take care of ourselves and provide ourselves what we need.

You can take care of yourself when you feel a panic attack coming on. You absolutely can have the knowledge and tools to keep yourself settled and calm.

Please read this thoroughly. You may want to print out these instructions and keep them available.

The Idea Behind This Technique:
As the name implies, "grounding" is a particular way of coping that is designed to "ground" you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and reduce the likelihood that you slip into a state of panic, flashback or dissociation. In this way, grounding may be considered to be very similar to mindfulness.

General Instructions:
To ground, you want to use the five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). To connect with the here and now, you want to do something that will bring all your attention to the present moment.



To Begin:
Sit or stand with both feet firmly on the ground. Say to yourself: "I have everything I need to get through this feeling." Repeat that a few times.

3 deep breaths at the beginning and end of the exercise. Remember, if someone is lightheaded or hyperventilating they should breathe in and out into a paper bag 10 times.


Then start the 5's... Specific Instructions:

* 5 Sounds:
Listen for 5 discrete sounds that are different and identify them. For instance: a fan, a dog barking in the distance, the refrigerator humming, your own breathing and crickets chirping. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.

* 5 Sensations:
Touch 5 discretely different surfaces - look for warm, cold, rough, smooth - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Smells:
Smell 5 discretely different odors - fruity, floral, green, spicy, herbal - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Tastes:
Taste 5 descrete tastes - sweet, sour, salty, cold, hot - tastes can force you to stay in the present moment.

* 5 Sights:
Take an inventory of 5 things around you. Connect with the present moment by verbally listing 5 things around you. You could identify 5 colors you see. Count 5 pieces of furniture around you. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.


(Personal note: I used to wake up in the middle of the night with panic. I had two plastic pill sorter trays by the bed. One had tastes in it: salt, sugar, cocoa powder, cinnamon and vanilla powder. One had cotton balls in with different scents in each compartment. This way I could use the 5's right at my bedside. I would sit up in bed, swing my feet over and place them firmly on the ground, open my bedside drawer and pull out my trays and then start my routine.)

Essential oils are great and you can keep on hand to help relax if panicking: specifically lavender and neroli. Clary sage can help relax someone (don't use with alcohol). Lavender is definitely the cheapest alternative and easiest to procure.

That is a start - this system, given to me by my best friend who is an EMDR therapist, absolutely worked for me...

Blessings...
Kim