A Widowed Person's Review of the Sitcom "Go On"

SPOILER ALERT

The 2012 television series Go On answers the question - how would an narcissistic male in the sports radio industry grieve?

Ryan, our main subject, is played by Matthew Perry, who is 1 month into being widowed when we start the pilot.

Ryan has two communities that he is engaged with.

One is his work community - a sports news casting / interviewing show - that Ryan is doggedly trying to interact with after his loss. Ryan needs to be at work. He needs to have the diversion of his profession, as well, we see his replacement host performing his job and we are lead to wonder if he can stand having someone else fill his role. He spends hours working late with his assistant and spends time with his superior. Yet, Ryan is considered to be "in denial"  regarding his loss by corporate. The main work characters are trying hard to uphold him, support him and help him - and one way they are trying to help is by requiring 10 group sessions at the local Transitions Group, which is the second community.

NBC's Go On - a new series about a widowed person

The Transitions Group is full of oddball characters who cross talk and have a large spectrum of losses (not all human deaths). Ryan does NOT want this community and is resistant to participation with the group on it's own terms. By the end of the first session he attends, Ryan has engineered the group into competing against one another in a friendly, sportsman-like NCAA-style brackets way on whose loss is worse. Ryan is a advocate for stop talking and instead to go do something. He even lies initially about the cause of how wife's death. The group is also trying to get Ryan to cope on a more honest level with his loss, but can be whipped into a frenzy by his force of personality.


Finally, at Ryan's home, there is the solitary gardener that is not informed of his wife's death for over a month.

Later we learn that Ryan's wife died due to texting while driving. He displays hostility when he fights with someone who is texting while driving.

Ryan does not want to go home at night and tosses and turns in the martial bed, finally giving up and sleeping on the couch. In this more honest depiction, the writers hint and allude to the fact that they may eventually reveal the soft underbelly of this character. It will be necessary for them to depict greater depth for us to care about Ryan and in order to make the series less of a mish-mosh of caricatures and more of complex and interesting story.


We are shown Ryan's loss is propelling him involuntarily to be engaged in new ways with people. In these new experiences he is trying to pull out with full force all of his old methods of narcissism and action in dealing with his loss. We can assume that there will be lessons to be learned in the episodes that follow if the series is to be thought provoking.




I have watched numerous shows from the pilot phase progress to find an interesting and full-bodied voice, and I have seen others evaporate. It will be interesting to see where this one goes. Initially, I am not drawn with anticipation to this show because the grief group characters seem rather vapid and cartoon-like, with the exception of the lesbian who lost her wife. The counselor is made light of and the dynamics within the grief group are made extremely silly. For me to be hooked, I will need to see an arc of character development within the next 6 episodes. Otherwise I will begin to loose interest fast.

The workplace being depicted as supportive and aware that Ryan needs a grief group - this is only partly believable. It is only plausible because Ryan is the "star" of their show and corporate needs to keep him stabilized. Most workplaces, where the rest of us spend our days post - loss, are totally unattuned to such matters.

I am not offended by the series being a sitcom about widowed life. It has potential to help people think behind laughter, to entertain and enlighten - if it is bold and intelligent enough to achieve such a goal. The writers are hinting to us that they are capable of this level of material. Several of the actors are certainly capable of this level of performance. But, it is too soon to tell.

Love,
Kim

Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times

Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul. 

If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.

Centering Prayer:

Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.

Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being.  Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.

This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.

1. Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.

1. Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.

1. When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.

1. At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.

Possible sacred words or phrases for Centering Prayer are: 

• Jesus

• Christos

• Father

• Mother 

• Abba

• God

• Love

• Peace

• Mercy

• Yes

You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.

The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.

Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:

Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering. 
 (If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.

Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - Caretaking My Husband In Hospice

Last Sunday I hauled my tired and weary self to a local church wondering what might be there for me.

As a backdrop to this - I am sad to report that it has been a long time since I have been moved to weep at a Sunday service anywhere. Given that I have spent the last 3+ years traveling around the United States and actively grieving the loss of my soul mate, it seems like I would have cried often during church - generally, tears have not been in short supply. However, very few services have brought me to tears. I suspect this is an indication of how far away my life path has taken me from what a majority of what a church service is about. I have been in the slow grist of death and so much of church seems to be about being in the motion and details of undisturbed living.

But this Sunday, I wept.

Mid-way through the service, after an at-length apology about the lack of inclusive language, the choir sang a choral version of the song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."

This song has been around for many decades. I have heard it enough that I thought I knew most of the lyrics. But, now I am listening with new ears. The ears of a person that assisted someone in crossing over under hospice care.

When you agree to be a caregiver with hospice, you will find yourself doing many custodial tasks -  lifting a person physically who can no longer stand on their own two feet. Feeding someone who can no longer hold a spoon. We trim, toilet and wash, comb and brush. We administer meds. And more importantly, we lend a watchful eye to insure the provision of a safe and loving environment for the dying to spend their final days in.

Upon hearing these lyrics, the clouds parted and I was hearing something about love, as if for the first time. There was a clarity of kindness, an honest recognition of the need of community and commitment in our places of being stripped down... the bonds that hold us together in our most fundamental weakness and strengths.

I recognized so much wisdom in the words - so I was determined to know who wrote this song.

There are a lot of details that I might say about the song's origins, but I would like to only focus on one factor - that one of the two co-authors of this song was dying of cancer of the lymph nodes.

Yet, the song is written from the perspective of the one that is able-bodied to assist. Perhaps the lyrics were written by the co-author who was healthy. I am uncertain. Yet, it seems to me that the song being birthed around the dying makes perfect sense. Perhaps this is why the song is so stripped down to the elemental of what rests between human beings. What I imagine - is when confronted by a person who is actively dying or when we are actively dying - that we finally understand what all humans need.

My husband died in June of 2008 of pancreatic cancer.

I am a widow. My husband died in June 2008. I miss him so. But, I would do it all over again.

The Lyrics:

The road is long

With many a winding turn

That leads us to who knows where

Who knows when
But I'm strong

Strong enough to carry him

He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go

His welfare is of my concern

No burden is he to bear
We'll get there

For I know
He would not encumber me

He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness

That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness

Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return

While we're on the way to there

Why not share
And the load

Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother" is a statement of disputed origins, many tales around it's source are interesting. The statement is what is called a paraprosdokian - a phrasing where the second half of the phrase causes the listener to revisit and gain a different understanding of the first part of the phrase.

To illustrate, this is where the assumptive reasoning would take us upon hearing:
"He ain't heavy..."

"... he only weighs 180 pounds."
"... he lost a lost of weight."
"... he is only 5 years old."

Instead, we hear an unexpected reason for the ease of carrying the person...

"... he is my brother."

This is often a device of humor, seldom is it used for an emotionally moving sentence. In this phrase, it alerts us to the bond between human beings as the metric for when something is a burden or a sacred responsibility.

Brian was my life partner, and in that way I would call him a mate as well as a lover and a brother. In 2008, I joined thousands of people who choose the supporting structure of hospice care as a way to carry our brothers and sisters down a long road with many a winding turn
, that leads to who knows where
, who knows when. I have often said that helping Brian cross over with the least amount of pain and the most amount of love was the most sacred thing I have ever done in my life.

When I meet others that have been caregivers with hospice, there is a connection that occurs - because we know what it means to work to deliver a person to the other side with loving-kindness and peace. We share the art of dying with the nurses and doctors. We do not shrink away from caring for our beloved unto death.

And when people voice how frightening, how hard and awful that might be, I can honestly say that it is awful and hard - but I would do it again for Brian or anyone else that I cared for. Because helping someone die surrounded by safety and peace - as much as is possible - is what we do when we love each other.

Brian actively dying from pancreatic cancer

Love,
Kim

Love Sorrow, a poem by Mary Oliver

Love Sorrow on Prezi

Love,
Kim

Grounding Yourself Throughout the Impermanence of Life and Death

One of the subjects that I cycle back to repeatedly is that of impermanence. 

It is this reality that, though neglected and resisted, will provide understanding, clarity and insight.

Grief can make you feel like you are in a tipping boat, can you trust the process?

But, then, the "boat" may feel very tippy. I do not want to introduce more turbulent, disorientating, depressing or confusing feelings on top of what you are already experiencing. So, where is the stability? Where is the anchor? How can we ground ourselves?

There is a place for ritual and intentional imagination that provides a predictable, meaningful, mood stabilizing, brain building, and above all - centering - result.

Rituals for Grief

WHY USE RITUAL?

A number of studies indicate that the brain finds predictability comforting and is averse to the new, creative, and unpredictable. It appears that if we can't have the familiarity and predictability we crave, we can create it ourselves, thanks to rituals.

Rituals can be complex or simple. Since we are discussing ritual for grieving people, my suggestion is to have simple rituals that contain you and do not require much from you.

Here are some suggested beginning rituals for the grieving:

Grief can be made calm by focusing for a while on a small object of hope.

Daily Observation - Spend three to five minutes doing slow, focused and careful observation of your surroundings.  If you can chose a lovely and/or complex environment, that is all the better to immerse yourself in.

Grief can be calmed by a ritual of nurture.

Daily Tea - Prepare, with intention, a cup of herbal tea. Do this slowly. Select a cup with intention, touch the cup and feel it's surface. Select tea and take great care and attention in preparing the tea (even if it is in a tea bag)... smell the odor of the dry tea. Listen to the sound of the water as it pours into the kettle or pot, place your hand 10 inches from the heat source and feel the heat building (careful not to get too close!). Do not do anything but wait and listen and watch as the water slowly gets to a boiling point. Watch the steam. You get the general idea - it is to make tea for yourself as a very slow and intentional act of nurture and being fully present to the process.

Grief can be addressed by ritual and meaning.

Thankful Ritual - Gather together a couple symbols that represent an ending - such as rings, photos, keys, glasses - anything of your choosing that is symbolic. Hold each item in your hand and note its significance to your wisdom. Say something of gratitude for all the lessons you have learned. Wrap all these remembrances of things past in a cloth together. Keep this wrapped package in a prominent place as an affirmation of wisdom and protection of your emerging self. Whenever you view the wrapped cloth parcel, thank the items again. Keep the parcel out as long as you desire.

Imagination for Grief

WHY USE IMAGINATION?

Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, a scientist at the National Institute of Health, studied the brain. He used the piano as an interface to measure human brain activity.

Having people practice five finger piano exercises, he found that the brain's motor maps of the hand more than tripled for those who did goal oriented practice on the piano.

Those who spent the same time just hitting keys randomly with no structure showed little or no brain effects.

The most surprising effect - a third group who practiced five finger piano exercises by imagination.

"They . . . rehearse mentally -- not manually -- while looking at the key board. After five days the brains of these people were identical to those who had manually practiced . . .

The same cell networks involved in executing a task are also involved in imagining it."

Here are some suggested intentional imagination exercises for the grieving: 

Grief can be made manageable by the power of imagination.

Special Surroundings - Select a favorite place. It could be a garden, a waterfall, a room, or anything else. A place where you feel content and safe. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that favorite place. Walk around slowly and notice the colors and textures around you. Focus on sight, feeling, hearing and smelling. Spend some time exploring each of your senses. And notice how good and relaxed you feel. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Grief can be soothed by relishing memories.

 

A Moment Together - Recall a very happy moment you shared with the departed. Do not allow anything to rob you of the sheer pleasure of this memory. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with them and recall all that transpired. Notice the sounds, sights, colors and textures around you. Spend some time exploring each of your senses as you recall what happened and if you forget how something transpired - do not worry. This is about nurturing your memory and more will come back to you the more you pause to exercise your memories. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Address Stress - Imagine an object, sound or color that represents stress to you. For example, you may choose to imagine the color red, or a rope with knots or a loud startling noise. When you select your image, sound or color, then you take a deep belly breath and hold it for 1 count and then slowly release the breath out of your mouth. Imagine your image slowly transforming into something calming. The color red can slowly fade into a nice soft and gentle color pink. The rope with knots can slowly transform into a smooth and soft silk or velvet fabric. And the loud noise can gradually transform into a soothing sound of ocean waves. Let your muscles relax. If the stress reforms, do not be distressed by the suborn nature of stress but notice it and repeat the above. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment. If you continue this practice you will eventually have more calm states available to you.

These tried and true techniques may assist you if balancing yourself with the impermance you encounter.

 

Love,

Kim

New Programs in the Los Angeles Area

I am negotiating upcoming expressive arts workshops for grieving people at Adult Bereavement Group at Long Beach Memorial Medical Center and The Cancer Support Community in the Los Angeles area. Stay tuned!
Love,
Kim

The Widow's Gates

They may have discussed marriage or been engaged. They may have been life partners because they could not formalize a legal arrangement. They may have made a heart contract. They may have been together months or decades; lived together or separately.

And then their beloved dies.

These grieving people often express a different kind of grief. Without a state endorsed ceremony and license, the world of widows and widowers appears to them to be a gated community, walled by two pieces of paper – a wedding license and a death certificate. And it is their perception that this gated community keeps them out.

Despite the derivations, one common thread remains – that the word “widow” or “widower” could be challenged if they were to define themselves thus. But there is no existing word for them.

Many have reported that they feel their grief is devalued. Others have lost shared resources, wealth, and relationships. Some have even lost access to children.

The term “widow” and “widower” is code. It stands for the level of personal disruption and hardship a death creates, as well as the measure of the bond and heartache. Since all terms are slippery, the term “widow” or “widower” never will tease out, for example, the surviving partner that secretly wished the partner dead or the spouse that had an affair and was about to leave the marriage only to be slowed by illness or death.

I undertook study of the word “widow” in it's historical context in search of better understanding. As with all research projects, you begin with an intuitive hunch that may or may not bear out. In this case, there are multiple points of interest to bring to the table.

To know what the word widow meant historically, you have to start with what marriage meant historically.

Marriage in Western civilization has a circuitous history, chiefly influenced by Roman, Hebrew, and Germanic cultures.

Marriage is, unfortunately, not easily summarized. From an anthropological perspective, it appears that all cultures view marriage as an absolute necessity. All cultures pressure healthy persons to marry and bear children. Many cultures have gone so far as to have laws that penalized the unmarried and childless.

While generalities are hard to distill, throughout history marriage consisted of a personal agreement that did not involve government or religion until very recently. Marriage was generally conducted as business arrangement between families.

These soft boundaries in relation to marriage also resulted in soft boundaries in relation to widowhood.

The Judeo-Christian influence on our modern society is undeniable. It is interesting to reconstruct our early ancestors understanding of widowhood.

Greek term translated "widow" (chera) means "bereft" and conveys a sense of suffering loss or being left alone. The term chera is not limited to a woman whose husband has died. It is understood as a woman that was left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty.

The Septuagint is the Koine Greek version of the Hebrew Bible, and was written in stages between the 3rd and 2nd Centuries BCE in Alexandria.

The Septuagint's treatment of 2 Samuel 20 includes a story about David taking ten women as his concubines. He put them in ward, fed them, but never had sexual relations or saw them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living each day in “widowhood” - the root of “widow” being the greek word chera. This passage demonstrates a completely different understanding of the state of “widowhood” – one where a husband was actually alive. The scriptures often use the term as to be left "desolate" or "alone". At this time in history, being alone was an especially difficult position because community was everything. There was no honorable employment for women, neither was there government assistance.

Since the outlook for women alone was bleak, the early Christian church began to propose that it was a virtue to assist them. The emerging Christian ethos can be seen in James 1:27, where the treatment of widows was a test through which believers demonstrated the genuineness of their faith.

Chera - “widowhood” - was not limited to a husband's death, nor was it limited by religious or legal constructs around the partnership. A widow could be a woman who lost her partner through divorce, desertion, imprisonment, or especially death. If she marries or remarries, she is no longer a “widow” because she is no longer bereft.

Caring for such a woman was seen as a privilege and a manifestation of God's compassion.

Fast forward to Medieval Europe. The legalities of marriage had actually changed very little. Again, the most common kind of marriage was understood simply by the couple's living together for a time period.

It was in this context - in early part of the Middle Ages - that the root of our word “widow” starts to appear. The Oxford English Dictionary’s earliest citation is before 825 in the Vespasian Psalter: “Sien bearn his asteapte & wif his widwe.” (Orphaned is his son & his wife a widow.) Note the interesting use of the word orphan when the mother is still alive... again, these terms seem to have far looser perimeters than we assign to them. It also reflects a male-centric worldview.

The verb form appears in the Middle English period. From the 14th century Northumbrian poem Cursor Mundi: “Ik am nu widuit of mi spus.” (I am now widowed of my spouse.)

The Indo-European root -"widh" - means to separate, to be empty. The root in Latin is the source of the word: divide. These words imply a state of being rather than a legal condition.

The only sources historians have to determine the civilian histories of widows and widowers are surviving household accounts, personal wills and letters. Historical archives of letters and correspondence indicate that widows were sought after for marriage in Europe in the middle ages. Likely this reflects a motivation to increase power and wealth among families.

Chaucer's Wife of Bath was purported to have “husbands five”. King Henry VII's mother had four husbands. Some wills specified a requirement for their widows to “remain a widow” and not remarry. The Earl of Pembroke stated in his will "wyfe .. . remember your promise to me take the ordyre of widowhood as ye may be the better mayster of your owne, to performe my wille and to help my children, as I love and trust you." They had seven children.

If remarried, these women were no longer considered widows. This might further indicate that the understanding of this word implies that they are no longer left desolate, forsaken, abandoned and empty.

Fast forward to Colonial America. Since there were few courts or churches available... everyone, including aristocrats, were again back to getting married by living together and declaring themselves husband and wife. These were referred to as common-law marriages.

Today, surveys estimate that the marriage rate in the U.S. is half what it was at it's peak after World War II. Some sociologists posit that we are returning to a "pre-modern pattern" where upper-class people marry to protect their holdings while many others don't marry at all.

With a declining marriage rate as well as delayed or lengthened engagements, we are presented with a lack of words and language for a large population who have lost a significant life partner – people who have endured great personal disruption and hardship, who are immersed in, as I term it: a harsh grief wilderness.

Either the language can become more flexible or new words must be developed to give voice to many people who have loved deeply, committed fully and endured great loss.

Love, Kim

Day 31 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

Beloveds...

Today, I am getting my massage later. I have decided to make some "I love you" calls to people that I think could use it, knowing that it will benefit my spirit as well to do so.

What ways are you showing love for yourself and others who need it today?

I Love You!


LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

Day 30 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

TO DOs!
A to-do list on Valentine’s Day:

1. Eat something special (For me, Vietnamese Pho)

2. Listen to your favorite music (For me, Sarah McLachlan seems good right now)

3. Take a luxurious bath or shower (It will have to be a shower, but I will get something special for the shower)

4. Buy yourself a flower (I will go and see what is pretty, I am not a huge rose fan, I like more relaxed flower forms)

5. Order food in (I will order a Chinese Wonton Salad to be delivered)

6. Watch my favorite movie (For me, I think I will watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")

7. Read a favorite poem or prose (For me, Mary Oliver)

8. Dress in something that makes you feel good (For me, it is my smocked top and pant outfit)

Hope you are working on YOUR list.

Day 29 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

I am still sick!

I am going to get a chair massage today, to add to my self-care plans.

Since my brain is so fuzzy with being congested, I will merely share with you what I am meditating on today:

"You do not do the work of changing," says poet David Whyte. "You feed and nourish your longing in whatever way you can and then the longing does the work."

What are you doing to feed and nourish your longing? If your longing is for the departed one in your life, what can you do to feed and nourish that space?

Love,

Day 28 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

We are so close to Valentine's Day - it is winding down...

I am struggling with a really bad cold. So my posts have been mostly poems because I am on Nyquil and it makes me stupid. Taking care of myself right now = sleep, kleenex with LOTION, aloe vera saline gel for my nose, tea, dvds, youtube, instant messages and more sleep.

So, I humbly offer a great poem for me today:


Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

Ogden Nash

What would be a good poem for YOU today?
Love,

Day 28 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

Nurture
By Maxine Kumin

From a documentary on marsupials I learn
that a pillowcase makes a fine
substitute pouch for an orphaned kangaroo.

I am drawn to such dramas of animal rescue.
They are warm in the throat. I suffer, the critic proclaims,
from an overabundance of maternal genes.

Bring me your fallen fledgling, your bummer lamb,

lead the abused, the starvelings, into my barn.
Advise the hunted deer to leap into my corn.

And had there been a wild child—
filthy and fierce as a ferret, he is called
in one nineteenth-century account—

a wild child to love, it is safe to assume,
given my fireside inked with paw prints,
there would have been room.

Think of the language we two, same and not-same,
might have constructed from sign,
scratch, grimace, grunt, vowel:

Laughter our first noun, and our long verb, howl.

What nurturing pouch will you make for yourself today?

love,

Day 27 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

"NEEDS AND NURTURE" by Kate

I wait in this dark and silent place
With no air, no space
In which to spread my smothered roots,
Pungent and stale the earth
In need of the season of re-birth.

Suddenly - movement - someone is near,
Perhaps my stifled cries to hear,
A rush of air and into the light,
Gentle hands lift, caress and weave
My stems, my arms, my leaves.

I am laid down into warm new soil -
Fresh, moist- gradually I uncoil
My tangled roots, reaching out,
I am cocooned, touching virgin loam
Which surrounds me in this new home.

In return for kind nurture I reveal rewards
Of heart-shaped leaves, stems like swords,
Bell-like blossoms swinging, ringing in
The vibes of my joy at being given
The chance to survive, to grow and go on living.

What will you do for yourself today to grow and go on living?

love,

Day 26 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

Today, I am prompted to think more on the body because I am fighting off the cold that has nailed everyone here. I was one of the last to catch it - which is telling me that my self-care is good. Someone who is grieving who has a good immune defense - that is a signal that I am taking good care of myself. Now, this cold has finally tried to move in, causing me to need rest and supplements.

How does your body communicate with you? How often do you pause to really listen to the messages your body sends you?

Your body can offer you two types of intelligence:

* Signals and indications about what is healthy.
* Intuitive information and guidance about direction and choices.

Sometimes your body speaks in an increasing volume and you still ignore the messages. You might notice a vague discomfort or, you forget to listen to your body’s signals until you finally get sick or are too exhausted to function.

Admittedly, you might not want to listen. If you are invested in busy - ness and stress, you might actually resent your body's limitations.

Can you rebel without paying a dear price?

Every day, hour and minute we can engage the wisdom that our body offers. Once you make the commitment to being mindful, you will find that pain and anxiety decrease. Your body will not have to talk so loudly!

What signals have you been ignoring? Pause and listen to your body right now. What do you need? It might be as simple as a glass of water or as life changing as a new vocation.

Remember, listening to your body is being loving to yourself.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will check in with my body often today and listen to it's wisdom.

Today's Suggested Action: Look for a time to take a nap or at least rest in a deep way for 20 minutes.

What was your action today?
Love,

Day 25 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

Vaga Luma

This is a final project - a proposed website (yet to exist) for experiential sharing and preservation of memories from the user's deceased family members, relatives and friends, an interactive gallery of remembrance and immortalize.

This project is intended to illustrate how private, personal memories become perceptible, alive with color, sound and motion, and show the connections between a deceased person and the memories his loved ones have from him.

You can view a live demo of this project in English or Hebrew on Vimeo. SEE THE VIDEO HERE.

Today - think of how you can bring creativity to your remembrance and act on it!

See her website HERE.

Love,

Day 24 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

WOW!

Day 24!

It is moving along - when you count the days in this way time seems to be flying! We only have 1 week to go for Valentines Day.

Today I became aware of how being indoors in the winter means you have stale air around you. You breathe the same air over and over and it goes through a furnace and is dry and - STALE.

I decided that despite the weather conditions that I would spend some time outdoors, deeply and slowly filling my lungs with fresh air.

As if the universe was anxious to meet me, the winds today have been really high powered! I kept watching to make sure a tree branch did not fall on me.

This process reminded me of the most simple elements of life - food, water, air, shelter (warmth). These elemental things make up the life that we lead, yet we are often distracted by layers of noise.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will meditate on whatever is fresh and healthy and new that I can introduce into my day.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will breathe outdoors again before the sun sets, getting some fresh air into me to nourish me.

What will you do today to nourish a healthy body?

Day 22 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

Many of us, when grieving, can be also suffering from residual physical conditions because our bodies have endured a shock. I, for one, had a great deal of adrenal fatigue from running as I took care of my dying husband and did not sleep hardly at all for about a month.

One can start to knit one's body back together again from adrenal fatigue. Simple changes such as more laughter (increases the parasympathetic supply to the adrenals), small breaks to lie down, increased relaxation, regular meals, exercise (avoiding any highly competitive events), early bedtimes and sleeping as long as one can whenever possible - can all benefit those experiencing adrenal fatigue.

A diet that would be conducive to treating adrenal fatigue includes one that combines unrefined carbohydrates (whole grains) with protein and oils (nuts and seeds) at most meals—olive, walnut, fiber, flax and high-quality fish oil. It is also important to eat regular meals, chew food well, and eat breakfast. Avoid any hydrogenated fats, caffeine, chocolate, white carbohydrates, and junk foods. Diets should have a heavy emphasis on vegetables.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will think on how I am treating myself through my diet.

Today's Suggested Action: I will menu plan for the next few days and make sure I am taking in good, healthy foods.

Day 21 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

A MOVEMENT VACATION!

Our "monkey-mind" can take us on trips that we do not enjoy. These thoughts can make us physically ill, emotionally raw and spiritually depleted.

My Brian used to say that he needed a vacation from himself. At those moments he would do something totally different, even if it was only for a moment, to break the chain of mental fixation that he suffered from. He was a driven perfectionist - and I learned a lot from him about taking little "mini-vacations"!

Today's Suggested Intention: To consider how I can flow as prompted by music and be transported for a few moments.

Today's Suggested Action: I will dance to at least 1 song in my house today - maybe more.

Day 20 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

MOVEMENT!

Sometimes the winter weather can make us sedentary. So can grief, so when they are coupled we can become as still as stone.

Sometimes, particularly if we were caregivers or have others that we need to care for, we push our bodies beyond reasonable limits and we may even take risks physically.

The commitment to move in a centered way will serve us. Some religious traditions use bodily movement as a metaphor for the spiritual and psychological movement that we are to engage in during the task of living.

If you have been too still or pushing yourself too hard physically, think about what it would mean to move bodily in a way that cares for yourself.

Today's Suggested Intention: I will think about how movement is integrated into my well-being.

Today's Suggested Action: I will take a walk around outside for 5 minutes every 2-3 hours.

Love,

Day 19 of the 31 Day TLC Pledge

Winter makes everything dry! The heat and cold is so drying. We can feel parched. This can mirror our hearts and souls. We can feel neglected, needing nurture.

My feet are often ignored. They can crack and bleed in the winter months. If my feet are in good shape, I know I am doing a good and thorough job of self care.

Perhaps you have a part of your body that is the last to receive attention. Your cuticles? Your teeth? Your skin? Your diet?

Whatever it is, when we are grieving - many of these parts of ourselves become neglected.

Here are a few prompts:

Drink more water than you think you need to today.
Stay away from lotions that contain alcohol. Even though they might smell great! They can foster increased dryness.
Self-administer regular stimulation to your skin with self-massage and generous quantities of oil and moisturizing lotion.

Men and women both might find a moisturizing mask helpful in the winter months:

Mask for Dry Skin
1 egg
1 teaspoon of honey,
1/2 teaspoon of olive oil
Mix the ingredients thoroughly and use as a mask.

Today's Suggested Intention: To look myself over to see if I am neglecting parts of my body and it's well-being and to consider what I can do to care for this part.

Today's Suggested Action: To make a mask and take 10 minutes to get some relief to my skin.

Love,