You Are Breathing For Two Now

When someone has died they are no longer breathing. Breath is, indeed, the source of life.

It is not suprising that breath becomes challenging with grief. Our empathy with our beloved's absence of breath may effect our breath on some primitive level. It worked that way for me. Since Brian died, I have struggled with my breath.

I have been observing that breath is critical skill to work with in my grief. 

I decided that, like the old proverb of saying "you are eating for two" when you are pregnant, that I'm saying that "I am breathing for two now" - for myself and for Brian who cannot breathe any more.

I want to encourage all grieving people to breathe better.

Understand, first, the mechanics:

Imagine the diaphragm as a large, sheet that lies underneath the lungs. It works like a bellow that stokes a fire, expanding with the intake of air (inhale) and expelling air (exhale). The inhale expands the abdomen, moving the diaphragm down and massaging the abdominal organs; while the exhale contracts the abdomen, moving the diaphragm up and massaging the heart.
 
Grief can cause two results in our breathing - one is shallow breath where a lack of oxygen is very hard on the body - it can result in a low level of vitality and our lack of oxygenated blood contributes to anxiety states, depression and fatigue. The other result is feeling like you are not getting enough air - no matter how hard one is breathing. This has been called "chronic breathing" or "over-breathing" can contribute to feelings of anxiety, panic and fear.
 
To see where you are with your breath, find a time when you are alone for about 10 minutes. Count your breaths for 1 minute. Our breath is healthy at 6 to 10 breaths a minute. Are you breathing fast or slow? Observe the movement of your chest and abdomen as you breathe. When your chest moves more than your abdomen you are over-breathing.

The Autonomic Nervous System is deeply affected by breath. 

Stretch the neck muscles to aid your breathing practice. Slowly move your left ear to your left shoulder while keeping the spine straight. Extend your right arm down reaching your fingers toward the floor. Switch sides. Practice breathing as you perform this exercise.

Now, sit comfortably and place your hands on your chest, thumbs inside the armpits, middle fingers touching at the chest's center. The middle fingers should move slightly apart upon inhale. Exaggerate that movement by deep inhales for two or three minutes at a time. 

You might visualize liquid being poured into a glass, you will imagine the bottom (diaphragm) gets full first, taking time in pouring, into the middle of the glass (lower lungs) all the way up to the top (upper lungs). 

There are three steps to full breathing: Inhalation (to a count of four); Retention/Holding (to a count of four); and Exhalation (to a count of eight). 

Breathe through the nose. This warm air helps the body use more oxygen.

Our culture is focused with holding on and the act of surrender is often a difficult one. Good breath has a sense of taking in and letting go.
  
Love, 
Kim

Memories Uncovered

 Sometimes you go through the lurking edges of your computerized world and find treasures... sometimes these treasures make you catch your breath.

I have been digging in my computer since my original one crapped out - the motherboard died, requiring me to migrate over to a new (to me) computer.

And I found this, circa 2003. And I burst into tears.



Brian was attempting to take photos of us for a sarcastic Christmas card we wanted to design to send to friends who "got" our weird sense of humor. Hence, being in front of "Circus Liquor" a creepy liquor store in North Hollywood. You can see him clicking the remote. It was dark where the tripod was set up and he accidentally pressed the wrong button... so we had a short video clip and he did not plan on it. We did get our photos and designed our Christmas card and sent it out that year. And we inadvertently got a video clip.

A clip that we never intended to have.

We were photo people. We did not do a lot of video at all. Now, I regret that. I wish I had filmed every small pathetic detail of our days. But I did not.

I did not know this was lurking in the computer - when I had downloaded the camera it came with all the photos and sat there quietly, waiting to be noticed. This is a treasure for me. Even if I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, this short little treasure makes me wealthy beyond measure.

Merry Christmas from Circus Liquor...

Love,
Kim

A Widowed Person's Review of the Sitcom "Go On"

SPOILER ALERT

The 2012 television series Go On answers the question - how would an narcissistic male in the sports radio industry grieve?

Ryan, our main subject, is played by Matthew Perry, who is 1 month into being widowed when we start the pilot.

Ryan has two communities that he is engaged with.

One is his work community - a sports news casting / interviewing show - that Ryan is doggedly trying to interact with after his loss. Ryan needs to be at work. He needs to have the diversion of his profession, as well, we see his replacement host performing his job and we are lead to wonder if he can stand having someone else fill his role. He spends hours working late with his assistant and spends time with his superior. Yet, Ryan is considered to be "in denial"  regarding his loss by corporate. The main work characters are trying hard to uphold him, support him and help him - and one way they are trying to help is by requiring 10 group sessions at the local Transitions Group, which is the second community.

NBC's Go On - a new series about a widowed person

The Transitions Group is full of oddball characters who cross talk and have a large spectrum of losses (not all human deaths). Ryan does NOT want this community and is resistant to participation with the group on it's own terms. By the end of the first session he attends, Ryan has engineered the group into competing against one another in a friendly, sportsman-like NCAA-style brackets way on whose loss is worse. Ryan is a advocate for stop talking and instead to go do something. He even lies initially about the cause of how wife's death. The group is also trying to get Ryan to cope on a more honest level with his loss, but can be whipped into a frenzy by his force of personality.


Finally, at Ryan's home, there is the solitary gardener that is not informed of his wife's death for over a month.

Later we learn that Ryan's wife died due to texting while driving. He displays hostility when he fights with someone who is texting while driving.

Ryan does not want to go home at night and tosses and turns in the martial bed, finally giving up and sleeping on the couch. In this more honest depiction, the writers hint and allude to the fact that they may eventually reveal the soft underbelly of this character. It will be necessary for them to depict greater depth for us to care about Ryan and in order to make the series less of a mish-mosh of caricatures and more of complex and interesting story.


We are shown Ryan's loss is propelling him involuntarily to be engaged in new ways with people. In these new experiences he is trying to pull out with full force all of his old methods of narcissism and action in dealing with his loss. We can assume that there will be lessons to be learned in the episodes that follow if the series is to be thought provoking.




I have watched numerous shows from the pilot phase progress to find an interesting and full-bodied voice, and I have seen others evaporate. It will be interesting to see where this one goes. Initially, I am not drawn with anticipation to this show because the grief group characters seem rather vapid and cartoon-like, with the exception of the lesbian who lost her wife. The counselor is made light of and the dynamics within the grief group are made extremely silly. For me to be hooked, I will need to see an arc of character development within the next 6 episodes. Otherwise I will begin to loose interest fast.

The workplace being depicted as supportive and aware that Ryan needs a grief group - this is only partly believable. It is only plausible because Ryan is the "star" of their show and corporate needs to keep him stabilized. Most workplaces, where the rest of us spend our days post - loss, are totally unattuned to such matters.

I am not offended by the series being a sitcom about widowed life. It has potential to help people think behind laughter, to entertain and enlighten - if it is bold and intelligent enough to achieve such a goal. The writers are hinting to us that they are capable of this level of material. Several of the actors are certainly capable of this level of performance. But, it is too soon to tell.

Love,
Kim

Camp Widow West Ensues!

I am honored to be leading 2 workshops at Camp Widow West this year. I will be the panel moderator for a discussion on children of widows on Friday late afternoon. And, I am excited to present an intensive on both Friday and Saturday called "Rituals for the Journey."

Camp Widow West™ 2012 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 10-12, 2012.

See below!

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

Here I am, wearing an Amish hat! (Just kidding!)

FRIDAY ONLY

To see more, go to www.campwidow.org

NOTE: I just learned that anyone who signs up because they heard about camp from me can use the group rate registration which saves them $50!

Love,
Kim

EMDR - what the heck is it and will it help?

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:  

• intrusive memories
• avoidance and numbing
• increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal)

You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a treatment for PTSD.

In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist.

I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.

 In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.

There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds.

Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm.

As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution".

How many sessions will be needed? 

Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals.

I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Love, 

Kim

Sparks Fly Upward - Artwork To Represent The Loss of a Husband

My husband died in June of 2008.

I am entering this piece in the Oncology On Canvas^SM: Expressions of a Cancer Journey Art Competition and Exhibition in the Family Member, Friend or Caregiver division. If selected, they will donate monies to my charity of choice. I am selecting the Cancer Support Community. Wish me luck!
 
Just for those of you that do not know me well, I am a widow. My husband died June, 2008 from pancreatic cancer at a young age.

 I have to write about this as well. Words come much harder for me. As I finish writing I will update this entry.
  
Love, 
Kim

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - Caretaking My Husband In Hospice

Last Sunday I hauled my tired and weary self to a local church wondering what might be there for me.

As a backdrop to this - I am sad to report that it has been a long time since I have been moved to weep at a Sunday service anywhere. Given that I have spent the last 3+ years traveling around the United States and actively grieving the loss of my soul mate, it seems like I would have cried often during church - generally, tears have not been in short supply. However, very few services have brought me to tears. I suspect this is an indication of how far away my life path has taken me from what a majority of what a church service is about. I have been in the slow grist of death and so much of church seems to be about being in the motion and details of undisturbed living.

But this Sunday, I wept.

Mid-way through the service, after an at-length apology about the lack of inclusive language, the choir sang a choral version of the song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."

This song has been around for many decades. I have heard it enough that I thought I knew most of the lyrics. But, now I am listening with new ears. The ears of a person that assisted someone in crossing over under hospice care.

When you agree to be a caregiver with hospice, you will find yourself doing many custodial tasks -  lifting a person physically who can no longer stand on their own two feet. Feeding someone who can no longer hold a spoon. We trim, toilet and wash, comb and brush. We administer meds. And more importantly, we lend a watchful eye to insure the provision of a safe and loving environment for the dying to spend their final days in.

Upon hearing these lyrics, the clouds parted and I was hearing something about love, as if for the first time. There was a clarity of kindness, an honest recognition of the need of community and commitment in our places of being stripped down... the bonds that hold us together in our most fundamental weakness and strengths.

I recognized so much wisdom in the words - so I was determined to know who wrote this song.

There are a lot of details that I might say about the song's origins, but I would like to only focus on one factor - that one of the two co-authors of this song was dying of cancer of the lymph nodes.

Yet, the song is written from the perspective of the one that is able-bodied to assist. Perhaps the lyrics were written by the co-author who was healthy. I am uncertain. Yet, it seems to me that the song being birthed around the dying makes perfect sense. Perhaps this is why the song is so stripped down to the elemental of what rests between human beings. What I imagine - is when confronted by a person who is actively dying or when we are actively dying - that we finally understand what all humans need.

My husband died in June of 2008 of pancreatic cancer.

I am a widow. My husband died in June 2008. I miss him so. But, I would do it all over again.

The Lyrics:

The road is long

With many a winding turn

That leads us to who knows where

Who knows when
But I'm strong

Strong enough to carry him

He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go

His welfare is of my concern

No burden is he to bear
We'll get there

For I know
He would not encumber me

He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness

That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness

Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return

While we're on the way to there

Why not share
And the load

Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother" is a statement of disputed origins, many tales around it's source are interesting. The statement is what is called a paraprosdokian - a phrasing where the second half of the phrase causes the listener to revisit and gain a different understanding of the first part of the phrase.

To illustrate, this is where the assumptive reasoning would take us upon hearing:
"He ain't heavy..."

"... he only weighs 180 pounds."
"... he lost a lost of weight."
"... he is only 5 years old."

Instead, we hear an unexpected reason for the ease of carrying the person...

"... he is my brother."

This is often a device of humor, seldom is it used for an emotionally moving sentence. In this phrase, it alerts us to the bond between human beings as the metric for when something is a burden or a sacred responsibility.

Brian was my life partner, and in that way I would call him a mate as well as a lover and a brother. In 2008, I joined thousands of people who choose the supporting structure of hospice care as a way to carry our brothers and sisters down a long road with many a winding turn
, that leads to who knows where
, who knows when. I have often said that helping Brian cross over with the least amount of pain and the most amount of love was the most sacred thing I have ever done in my life.

When I meet others that have been caregivers with hospice, there is a connection that occurs - because we know what it means to work to deliver a person to the other side with loving-kindness and peace. We share the art of dying with the nurses and doctors. We do not shrink away from caring for our beloved unto death.

And when people voice how frightening, how hard and awful that might be, I can honestly say that it is awful and hard - but I would do it again for Brian or anyone else that I cared for. Because helping someone die surrounded by safety and peace - as much as is possible - is what we do when we love each other.

Brian actively dying from pancreatic cancer

Love,
Kim