Camp Widow West Ensues!

I am honored to be leading 2 workshops at Camp Widow West this year. I will be the panel moderator for a discussion on children of widows on Friday late afternoon. And, I am excited to present an intensive on both Friday and Saturday called "Rituals for the Journey."

Camp Widow West™ 2012 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 10-12, 2012.

See below!

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

Here I am, wearing an Amish hat! (Just kidding!)

FRIDAY ONLY

To see more, go to www.campwidow.org

NOTE: I just learned that anyone who signs up because they heard about camp from me can use the group rate registration which saves them $50!

Love,
Kim

Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times

Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul. 

If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.

Centering Prayer:

Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.

Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being.  Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.

This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.

1. Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.

1. Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.

1. When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.

1. At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.

Possible sacred words or phrases for Centering Prayer are: 

• Jesus

• Christos

• Father

• Mother 

• Abba

• God

• Love

• Peace

• Mercy

• Yes

You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.

The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.

Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:

Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering. 
 (If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.

Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

20 Favorite Blog Posts of 2011

I find it hard to select a few favorite blog posts of 2011, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE ANYTHING OUT!

(I said that I would do 20, and I will, I just need to come back to this after work!)

However, I would like to give a shout out to these particular 2011 blog posts because they stayed with me... I suspect that this is an indication of how well written and/or unique they were in examining the journey from a particular or insightful angle.

If you do not have a lot of time to read, this is a vetted list of some really wonderful blogging moments with grief. Kleenex box should be strategically placed.

So, here is my list, in no particular order:

Aging, Plutonium and Beauty
21 Years
A Valentine's Letter to my Sons

Phenomenon

Daddy Taught Me

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Ghost Bikes 
Continuing our Love Story and Greg's Legacy

Painting Our Toes
Past

Music Monday - Swan Song

A Son's Perspective

Gavin's 9/11 Drawing

Lent and Spring and Seasons

Waiting is the Hardest Part

Defending Roger

Counting to Three - Nearly a Year

I may add to this list if more occurs to me...

To all people who share the power of their stories online, I thank you. You make me richer and I learn from you.

Love,
Kim

Daily "Eloquent Grief" Readings from Alive and Mortal

Eloquent: Clearly expressing or indicating something.
Grief: Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.

Something that I did not anticipate with this year's Advent Calendar project was a kind request to continue into 2012 with providing readers with daily readings.

I am humbled and honored that there are a handful of people that would like to continue a connection throughout the year. There is a small cluster of people who are quietly working at grief, impermanence, eloquence and evolving bonds. And I want to go with them.

I became a little overwhelmed over HOW to fulfill such a commitment... and then, I recalled something that I enjoy very much and how I might adapt it to this project.

On the Twitter social network I enjoy following #micropoetry. The people write with the known limitation of 144 characters. There are some amazing and potent words that come through the ether. Similar to haiku, it can capture a universe of meaning in an economy of words.

I was inspired by the tradition of haiku and the #micropoets to open a separate twitter account just for this kind of writing, for tight, brief grounding meditations... and they are linked to here to have them post daily on this blog in the right column... see this image:

These Daily Readings have begun updating. Right now I am futzing over having them update at the same time each day. I am sure I will figure that part out soon.

If you are on Twitter and want them to feed to you via Twitter - see AliveandMortal

Thank you for keeping me on my toes and growing!

Wishes for a Peaceful New Year.

Love,
Kim

Finally, Facebook Timeline

So, finally Facebook's Timeline seems to have figured it's way through litigation and is coming soon.

For grieving people, it is something to prepare for. My original post on grieving people and Timeline is HERE.

You should realize that everyone will be able to peruse your Facebook history all the way to the beginning with a slider and a few clicks. Previously, there was no practical way to view your older activity on Facebook.

You only have seven days to make any changes to your Timeline before it becomes your default profile. 

There are a few specific ways to work with Timeline related to old posts once you have converted to the Timeline system...

To see what your profile will look like to "non-friends", click the cog icon and choose "View As..." from the drop down menu. This will reveal you how your profile looks to the public. You can also enter the name of any of your Facebook friends at the top of the page to see exactly what they'll see on your Timeline. You can hide all posts or selected ones.

If you want to get rid of anything, go to the post on Timeline and hover over its top right corner. Click the pencil icon and select "Hide from Timeline."

My hope is that grieving people will be proud of their stories and feel connected to the power of their narrative. 

But you should make good choices for yourself and your loved ones about your narrative as it is shown on Timeline. Everyone has a specific set of circumstances and one size does not fit all.

A very useful general article was written by Ian Paul in PCWorld on Dec 16, 2011 to help you prepare for Timeline.  HERE is the full article.

Love,
Kim

A GLIMPSE INSIDE THE ALIVE AND MORTAL ONLINE ADVENT CALENDAR

Today's Alive and Mortal online advent calendar reading is about Christopher Love.

Love was executed as a martyr in 1651 by the authorities as an example to dissuade the Presbyterian uprising.

Love had five children, one of whom was born after his death.

This is something that Love wrote:

"God hath many mercies in store for you;

the prayer of a dying husband,

for you,

will not be lost."

When our loved ones are passing, they may have seconds or minutes or hours or days or years to utter prayers.

They may even not have words, they may not have brain function... but the life force that they possessed radiates loving energy.

We do not know what is going on with them, really, as they die - but I take great comfort in the idea that the dying, just may very well indeed, pray for the living.

If you would like to engage with the online advent calendar - CLICK HERE.

Love,
Kim

LET THERE BE LIGHT

I attended an astronomy lecture the other night, and had a piece of awareness drop in a very unexpected way while listening to the speaker.

She was discussing results from NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope that were possible due to the use of infrared sensors. She gave a short primer on the discovery of infrared light before hurrying on to her more pertinent data... and while I was interested throughout her lecture, I confess that I was taken with the idea of infrared and began drawing parallels to our relationships with the departed.

First, I will share an abbreviated history of infrared.

Sir Frederick William Herschel (1738-1822) discovered infrared by accident. 

He had noticed that when he held his prism to the light that the rainbow spectrum seemed to have different heat related to color. He devised a clever experiment to investigate his hypothesis. 

He directed sunlight through his prism to create the rainbow spectrum and then measured the temperature of each color by using thermometers with blackened bulbs (to better absorb heat) and, for each color of the spectrum, placed one bulb in a visible color while the other two were placed beyond the spectrum as control samples. He noticed that all of the colors had temperatures and that the temperatures of the colors increased from the violet to the red part of the spectrum. Then he accidentally measured the temperature just beyond the red portion of the spectrum in a region where no sunlight was visible. To his surprise, he found that this region had the highest temperature of all.He called this infrared because the prefix infra means below.

Herschel's experiment led to the discovery of infrared light, AND it was the first time that someone showed that there were forms of light that we cannot see with our eyes. We now know that there are diverse types of light that we cannot see and that the visible colors are only a very small part of the entire range of light which we call the electromagnetic spectrum. 

It makes it possible to see things like this:

The picture on the left is a normal telescope's image. On the right is what infrared can divulge. 

It made me think a lot about our beloved departed and their apparent absence in our lives. Perhaps, they could present in ways not detectable to us. Perhaps it merely takes a altered viewpoint to become aware of them. 


I wish I had a telescope that revealed what lies beyond the veil...

Love, 

Kim

Advent for Grieving People

 Again, this year, I offer my free Online Advent Calendar for Grieving People.

You can find it HERE.

You may wish to bookmark it, so that every day you may return to open the next window.

If you did this with me before in the past, this is a new and improved version with more detail.

I hope that you will join me on a journey of growth over 25 days. We will focus on bringing light into dark spaces. Trust that every day there is something for you to discover because you are evolving and unfolding in your soul and heart.

I treasure your companionship.

Love,
Kim

PS There is a "donation" button on the site - if you donate, the monies go to Advientos, the host of the free advent calendar program.

Reposting a Great Article

 _________________________________________________
"Death Can Be a Moment That Connects Us, Even As It Parts Us
by Anne O'Connor
November 29, 2011

Anne O'Connor is a speaker, writer and editor
It strikes me that more of us could stand to consider our own deaths right now, while we still have the chance.

You know you're going to die, right? It could happen tomorrow or in many years. We just don't know, do we?

Some of us fool ourselves, and say that we have time. We tell ourselves that we'll get to sorting that stuff out. Soon. Or maybe we don't tell ourselves anything at all: La, la, la ... la, la, la ... living our lives. Death? Who, me? Or maybe we believe it doesn't matter, that somebody else can figure it all out.

Uh-huh. Thanks, Dad.

Is it any wonder that when our loved ones are dying we don't know what they want? Or that when they are actually dead, we seek out people who know how to do this death thing and pay them lots of money to just ... deal with it? Is it a big surprise that families are sometimes torn apart in the process?

There is a better way.

There's a way that connects people more strongly than ever. There's a way to have someone's life and death be genuinely and deeply honored. A way that brings peace, healing and strength to those still living.

But death rarely just happens this way. We need to plan for it.

I live in a part of the world where people are particularly aware of the opportunity that comes at the end of life. In Viroqua, my tiny southwestern Wisconsin town, we're changing the way we honor the process of death. I have been privileged to be involved in this critical part of life with several families.

People have begun to consider how they want to die, where they want to die, and what they want to happen to their bodies when they're gone. The very idea of taking these steps is radical. You may be starting to get a little fidgety in your chair. But hang on, it's worth it.

What is happening in my town is happening across the country. People everywhere have begun to realize that we've lost the vital importance of ceremony and ritual in our lives. People here have begun to understand that caring for our loved ones as they are dying and after they are dead is profoundly moving, healing work. Many of us have come to understand that when we get close up and cozy with death, the experiences can show us much about priorities in a full life.

This is something that hospice workers and others who work with the dying have known forever. It used to be a part of our cultural knowledge, and not so long ago. We used to have home funerals regularly, to spend a lot of time with the dead, to sit with the family, to hold each other's hands.

Today, though, choosing your own way to die and your own style of funeral requires a large leap. Instead of handing over the entire experience of death and dying to the medical establishment and then to the systematic structure of the funeral homes, you decide how you want your death and how you want your loved ones to care for you.

In Viroqua, we've had an accidental death in which the parents of a teen-age boy decided to bring his body home and create the viewing and funeral there. We've had adults dying of cancer who have been lovingly cared for in their homes, died in their homes, and had the funeral right in their homes. Family and friends have cared for their loved one, often with the help of medical professionals, and sometimes with the help of funeral directors.

There is no right way, no black and white. You can decide to do as much or as little of the work as you care to. Things can change in the moment. The key is to consider your options now, while you can.

Here in Viroqua, a community group called the Threshold Care Circle has been instrumental in helping people consider these options. This educational group is working to let people know what is possible, both legally and practically. Such groups are popping up all over the country, as more people begin to understand that they want to be involved in the care of their loved ones.

Death is one of life's most important moments. We only get one shot at it. Both the person dying and the loved ones will be best served by considering the possibilities in advance. No family member has to do all the practical work; there's always help to be had.

But it is worth considering: Someone will wash the body. Someone will dress the body. Someone will close the eyes for the final time. Someone will. At the critical moment of death, someone will perform these tasks for the person whom we have loved and cared for all our lives. Why would we give those meaningful rituals away to a stranger? Why do we give away the best stuff?

We need not let fear of the unknown keep us from what often turns out to be one of life's richest moments. We can plan, we can talk to each other, we can find out what options we have. In the end, we can have what we need." _________________________________________________
I have taken training in the Home Funeral work that Anne is referring to, and it is amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about the home funeral movement, please message me...

Love,
Kim

My Humble Reflection on a Piece of Jewelry

I am awestruck and honored today... artist Luis Arriaga Reyes named one of his lovely creations after me. Luis is an Art Director at Sterling Jewelers and also owner of Cafe Arabiga, a venue for gourmet coffee, art and live music in Ensenada, Mexico. We have never actually met, but he knows me through mutual friends and we are on Facebook together. We share the loss of our fathers. He has heard about my loss of Brian. So, he let me know of this piece that he designed with my story in mind...

The moment I saw this lovely piece, I recalled a poem by Pablo Neruda.I am not fluent in Spanish, so I trust that this is correct:

En su llama mortal la luz te envuelve.
Absorta, pálida doliente, así situada
contra las viejas hélices del crepúsculo
que en torno a ti da vueltas.

Muda, mi amiga,
sola en lo solitario de esta hora de muertes
y llena de las vidas del fuego,
pura heredera del día destruido.

Del sol cae un racimo en tu vestido oscuro.
De la noche las grandes raíces
crecen de súbito desde tu alma,
y a lo exterior regresan las cosas en ti ocultas,
de modo que un pueblo pálido y azul
de ti recién nacido se alimenta.

Oh grandiosa y fecunda y magnética esclava
del círculo que en negro y dorado sucede:
erguida, trata y logra una creación tan viva
que sucumben sus flores, y llena es de tristeza. 

The Light Wraps You

The light wraps you in its mortal flame.
Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way
against the old propellers of the twilight
that revolves around you.

Speechless, my friend,
alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead
and filled with the lives of fire,
pure heir of the ruined day.

A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment.
The great roots of night
grow suddenly from your soul,
and the things that hide in you come out again
so that a blue and palled people
your newly born, takes nourishment.

Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave
of the circle that moves in turn through black and gold:
rise, lead and possess a creation
so rich in life that its flowers perish
and it is full of sadness.

Thank you, Luis. His lovely shop may be found HERE.

Lost and Found and Upside Down

Free picture slideshow customized with Smilebox

Love,
Kim

Final Week of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project - Lost and Found and Upside Down

"Speak a new language and the world will be a new world. " -Rumi

Changing your perspective can be a powerful way to unleash yourself.
 
Why? Because normally our brain functions by simply settling on an economic perspective based on first impressions and assumptions.

Upon encountering a challenge, tragedy or problem in our life... we work to solve it. As subsequent challenges arise, we are more inclined to repeat and repeat our previous approach to attempt to solve a similar problem the exact same way (regardless of whether it is, or is not, the best way). This appears to be the default mechanism of our brains - think of it as an economy of process.

Why waste time inventing new scripts when we can draw on the old scripts?

Well, there are all kinds of good reasons to start anew when we have a challenge.

In particular, I find that creativity helps with the challenges we face when we lose a loved one and we wish to sustain bonds with them. The death of a loved one is a vexing problem to be solved on numerous levels.

The level we are exploring here in this series is our bonds with a beloved person(s) and how to evolve when they have died...

Creatives intuitively explore many, many, many different ways to solve a problem. If there are a million ways to look at a problem, perhaps there are millions of solutions to problems; some solutions better than others.

Creatives feel the freedom to start as a child, often seeming childish in their approach with awe, wonder, questioning and curiosity.

“What… Copernicus [and] Darwin really achieved was not the discovery of a new theory, but a fertile new point of view.” - Michael Michalko

When you take the time to change your perspective you are bound to discover new ideas or ways of solving a problem; and it is a certain that some of those new ideas or solutions will be creatively brilliant.

Why not? What the he** do you have to lose? Nothing now. Why not?

Do something upside down or sideways today.

Do something opposite - have an Opposite Day at The School Of Life today...

Take a turn down an unexpected path...

Move toward something that repels you...

A change of perspective will introduce new ideas regarding your evolving bonds with the departed, it is certain to open up an expanse of discovery, love and wonder.

Our  Evolving Bonds Photo Project group on Facebook are in their final week and I will look forward to seeing what they do with this... THE MORE OUTRAGEOUS THE BETTER!

Love,
Kim

Evolving Bonds Photo Project - Exploring the Second Home

Our Evolving Bonds Photo Project Facebook Group is continuing in our 3-week cycle of exploring our evolving bonds with the beloved departed as a group.

It is quite moving to watch the variety, depth and breadth of experiences being contemplated and shared.

Today, they receive their next assignment: A Second Home. The prompt will, hopefully, open space for new or elevated awareness.

 I am honored to be in the company of these friends in the journey.

Love,
Kim

A POST FOR THOSE IN MY EVOLVING BONDS PHOTO PROJECT

A monk asks, "Is there anything more miraculous than the wonders of nature?" The master replies, "Yes, your awareness of the wonders of nature." -- Angelus Silesius

Can you feel a clutter within you that disrupts your pure awareness?

Most of us can if we slow a bit and start asking that question. I invite you to take a breath and sit with that question a moment. See what arises for you.

Behind that clutter - the stacks and stacks of noise and debris - there often lies a rich and meaning-laden world that can be a comfort, anchor, guide and a grounding.

Normally we humans default to low input - we look through the lens of a lens of a lens... it is one of the common human dilemmas... and there is the potential of not seeing each moment infused with meaning, communication and newness.

Grieving people can fall deeply into an agonizing cacophony of distance and disassociation with their surroundings. Pain can cause us to seize up and do what I call "cocooning". Perhaps you are like me? When someone dies, we may find ourselves thrust into a foreign and treacherous land. This is the last place that we want to be, we often seek a deep and dark cave to retreat into.

I, personally, found many of the deaths that I experienced to have this effect of seizing up. There was a difference when my beloved Brian died, though. There was a familiar stinging grey fog over everything, but with a new level of excruciating foreign-ness because I lost my soul mate and life partner.

But what was strange - after years of spiritual practice...

... I found - this confusing terrain that was clouded with fog and daggers would get punched through over and over by unexplainable beauty. Beauty of nature, sound, the kindness of people... textures, sensations, cadences... I thought something was wrong about these sensations at first... but slowly I began to allow them to arrive and instinctively held out my bleeding pain and allow these moments of beauty to wash over the pain to cleanse and nourish me.

And the more I did this, the more it seemed to bear fruit.

Can we dare to believe:  

"The hurt you embrace becomes joy. Call it to your arms where it can change." - Rumi

On Facebook, we have a private group called the EVOLVING BONDS PHOTO PROJECT. We have 12 participants who are very interesting people - and we have a little room for more. I am giving them their first assignment this Sunday morning. They will be looking to how the assignment manifests in their lives this week in an organic way. There are no "right" or "wrong" ways to participate.

Their assignment is called: Unexpected Embraces. 

Think about joining us... there is still time.


Love,
Kim

A Week of Preparation for the Evolving Bonds Photo Project

We have 12 members so far in our Evolving Bonds Photo Project... there is still time to join us - we commence on Sunday, October 16th! Consider being a part of this wonderful group of people who are going to teach each other through powerful reflections on their evolving bonds.

Here are some of my reflections along with Rumi for this week to help us ready our hearts and eyes...

"I am so small I can barely be seen.
How can this great love be inside me?
Look at your eyes,
they are small
but they see enormous things."

When we set an intention to pay attention and take in awareness, many things can come forward that are normally in the background. These are gifts that we have yet to receive. As we bend ourselves toward awareness, the gifts can unfold. The way these gifts present themselves are too numerous to quantify. Here are just a few examples of when the awareness might break through...

“The minute I heard my first love story 
I started looking for you,

not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.”

"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep."

"Is it really true that the One I love is everywhere?"

"This being human is a guest house

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond."


Love,
Kim

The Evolving Bonds Photo Project For Grieving People

I am hosting a new 3 week interactive expressive arts experience – starting October 16, 2011.

The Evolving Bonds Photo Project  

...is an expressive and exclusive community experience where you will:

Use Your Eyes As A Lens To Your Heart:
We'll venture into our world with our cameras and/or camera phones. We will be using our eyes to increasingly move from looking at what is physically present to seeing what is emotionally and spiritually present. 

Use Your Voice As A Tribute To Your Love:
Without pressure, we use our own words or add from prose, memoir, and poetry.

Use Your Relationship Muscles:
If happiness was to be found in focusing on ourselves, we would surely be happy by now!
 
If happiness is found in connecting with loved ones - then, with camera or camera phone in hand, our perception and awareness can be invited to naturally and easily shift in amazing ways. We find new or renewed ways to connect with our departed and members of the group.

The photographs will help us notice, remember and commit to memory the continuing bonds we are experiencing. Telling stories with photos can be powerful and highly communicative to others who you are connecting with through the group. Your story has power. To see our continuing bonds, reflect on them and allow others to bear witness is a powerful tool.

What are evolving bonds?
CLICK HERE for a previous blog post about evolving bonds.

How does it work?

This group will run in three week cycles. You are making a three week commitment.

Prior to the project commencing is our preparation time.

To prepare to participate, find the group on Facebook called: “Evolving Bonds Photo Project”. It is a closed group. Request to be added. If I do not recognize you, I may email you to determine where you heard about the group, to insure that we do not have people randomly join without qualifying purpose.

Next, prepare to have your camera and/or cameraphone with you at all times, arrange to have a cable handy to connect to a computer if you need it, and any photo editing programs that you would like to use.

During week 1 - 3 of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project you will be gifted each Sunday with a theme suggestion to use if you are inclined. Each week you are to capture your evolving bonds in image and/or words. The themes are designed to be progressive.

So in summary:
At the beginning of each week you will receive notice that I have posted in the group the week’s theme to be done within the week.

During the week I will send out an additional message or host an IM chat that is a brief teaching/inspiration interactive session.

What you will get from participating in the Evolving Bonds Photo Project:

•     new levels of intimacy with self, your departed and people in the group
•     exposure to other people’s stories which are  inspiring
•     practice in learning to see your continuing bonds
•     a designated space to stretch your imagination
•     confidence
•     support
•     adventure
•     new levels of awareness of love

And best of all, it is FREE to participate.

The first cycle of The Evolving Bonds Photo Project begins October 16 and ends November 5, 2011.

Consider joining in...

Love,
Kim

The New Facebook Timeline and Grieving People

UPDATE: Facebook is delaying the roll-out of their Timeline format, see article related to the delay HERE.

I decided to be an early adopter of Facebook Timeline. 

I have long said that "The world belongs to people who can change."

Facebook Timeline is a big change.

The reason for my early adoption of the program was, in part, just being curious. But the other part had to do with anticipating how it would effect grieving people. Only those who are authorized through the app developers window can see the changes that everyone will be seeing on October 5, 2011. So, if you visit my Facebook page right now, it will not show Timeline to you until October 5th. If you have taken the plunge to get signed in as a developer, you can now see my page with Timeline. (see link for instructions below)

In all the promo regarding Facebook's Timeline, it presents a happy life, with many highlights and joys. The media surrounding it is full of Hallmark-styled moments of happy families and fun parties and lovely photos. Of course, these media pieces are advertisements that try and influence people to feel good about the changes coming...

I deal, however, with a large population of Facebook users who have many, many difficult moments and hard photos - such as of their children sitting by a gravestone... I am a bit protective of them. I want them to get taken care of. I want to warn them if things might not be good for them.

On the current Facebook format, you would have to do pages and pages of tedious digging to get anywhere into your past and - you would likely get carpel tunnel syndrome before you had any large impressions wash over you. But I suspected that this format would be very different.

So, I took the plunge. And it is... YOUR LIFE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU on your profile page. 

So, if you do not like how your life is going or you had a really bad patch that lasted a good long while, you are not going to "like" this, to use Facebook jargon.

The layout is similar to tumblr - at least the tumblr template that I utilize on my page. It is not linear. It reads more like a newspaper with columns and sections in a patchwork on your page. It is a random (at least to my eye, there must be an algorithm behind the madness) crazy quilt of your posts, friends pictures, photos, maps and so on.

I was able to go back and see my first posts when I joined Facebook right after Brian died in 2008. I was sitting alone in New England and was trying to live out a commitment to staying technologically relevant in social media as a way to try and hang onto the three step-children that I had lost custody of to their birth-mom... and I can see my first status updates.

My third status update:

"I'm asking for a do-over."

Going back and seeing the progression that my life took is a bit of a psychological work out.

 I, personally, do not have posts before Brian's death, I was not on Facebook then. I was living a very different life then - I was far more engaged with work and family. My first posts on Facebook are heartbroken posts, punctuated by jokes so that people could tell that I was still breathing. 

 Back then - I thought that no one wanted to see my grief posting, so I can see that I held it to a minimum - it took me a while before I discarded that position for believing that my avocation was to create culture shift in society for grieving people by speaking freely about my loss and others losses.

Interestingly, Facebook has included a new feature that will be important for new grieving people. It seems to allow you to flag posts - even that you have lost a loved one... 

I recall months of petitioning Facebook to include a widowed status, and now they allow you to mark a post this way...

I want to alert people that are grieving that seeing months and years of sad posts and then seeing your friends months and years of happy posts may seem a bit rough. It reminds me of all those Christmas cards you would get every year where people went on and on and had so many great stories to write about and I only had deaths to discuss (which I opted out of telling them about.) 

 I also had 2 dear friends suddenly die since I was on Facebook. So, in a short 3 year period, there is a lot of sorrow in the posts that show up. 

I might suggest that grieving people take this change in Facebook slowly. Go into that timeline with a lot of support around you. Do not go there when you are feeling really down. Maybe invite a friend who understands your grief to be there with you and support you. If you have a therapist, bring your laptop to a session and begin to unpack it together. Make sure you have support for yourself. That will look different for each person. But take care of yourself in the changes. And stay in touch. Do not lose your network of support by prematurely closing your account. Not on my watch, anyway.

I think the richness of a life is not defined by the sum of fun moments we have had as much as how much and deeply we loved - regardless of the pain and discomfort that came with it. I believe that grieving people are some of the most rich, complex and deep people on the planet. You have a story and it has power.

If you accept this intention - there can be an embracing of your story and a love and compassion for yourself that is fostered by the encounter with your Timeline. 

Be proud of who you are, what you have been through, who you are becoming - the light that you bear in dark places is beautiful, friends.

I am going to be ruminating on this more, and if I have more to add, I will do so as a P.S.. I just wanted to get the word out there, because the change will happen October 5, whether you are ready or not...

Love, Kim

P.S.

Some other ideas to help grieving people:

-- Sign up early as I did and several have to look things over, you will have until Oct 5th to figure out what you want to do. I used the directions HERE to be an early adopter of Timeline.

-- Widows can be targets for stalkers and creeps, as you may know. Timeline's map feature is currently set for public viewing - I have researched this and so far it appears that there is no way to hide it or delete it. So, if you have concerns about who knows where you are, do not use the map check-in feature. You may want to try deleting your check-ins before the Timeline roll out (I assume with the old FB you can delete them).

-- Facial Recognition technology is ramping up. To opt out of Facebook's facial recognition technology by going to Account > Account Settings > Privacy > Customize Settings > Things Others Share and disabling "Suggest photos of me to friends," you should also upload random pictures of trees and animals and stuffed toys and tag them as yourself.

Along with that - think about any of your surviving children and the amount of information you are posting about them. They will be living into a greater lack of privacy as social media unfolds. So many people post pictures of their adorable children - you are proud of them, but this will be in the digital record forever, so you need to think about what that will mean for them. Use judgement and measure your posts about them...

-- Set your privacy settings high right before the Timeline roll out so that you have time to see what it looks like and then decide what you want to do.

-- This change might present an illuminating opportunity for society to begin to realize how long and arduous a road grief can be. If we can bare our lives being shown for it's raw truths it might help the culture to accept the length of bereavement.

-- Those whose beloved died before they were on Facebook - this gives you an experience similar to an online digital scrapbook where you can take time and go back to select the memories that you want to add and present to your friends. It can be a therapeutic exercise.
 
I have worked on my page a little bit: 




And, I added a post about Brian's death:

This from Facebook Help

-- Removing and Highlighting a Story

You get to decide which stories appear on your timeline. Hover over a story on your timeline to see your options:

Feature on Timeline: This allows you to highlight the stories you think are important. When you star a story, the story expands to widescreen. Starred stories are also always visible on your timeline.

Edit: This gives you the option to:

    •    Hide from Timeline: This removes stories from your timeline. Note that these stories will still show up in your activity log, which only you can see. They also may appear in your friend’s News Feeds.

    •    Depending on the type of story (ex: status update, checkin, tagged photo), you may also have the option to:

            -- Change the date of a story (ex: for an old photo, you can enter the date the photo was taken so it shows up in the right place on your timeline)
            -- Delete a post

Remember: You can also see the audience of stories you and your friends share from your timeline, and change the audience of things that you share.

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Love,
Kim

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Love,
Kim