EMDR - what the heck is it and will it help?

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:  

• intrusive memories
• avoidance and numbing
• increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal)

You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a treatment for PTSD.

In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist.

I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.

 In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.

There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds.

Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm.

As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution".

How many sessions will be needed? 

Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals.

I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Love, 

Kim

Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times

Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul. 

If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.

Centering Prayer:

Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.

Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being.  Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.

This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.
Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.

1. Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.

1. Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.

1. When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.

1. At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.

Possible sacred words or phrases for Centering Prayer are: 

• Jesus

• Christos

• Father

• Mother 

• Abba

• God

• Love

• Peace

• Mercy

• Yes

You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.

The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.

Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:

Breathing Exercises also are beneficial for stress reduction and centering. 
 (If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.

Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

When the Pain of Grief Turns to Thoughts of Suicide

I have been experiencing an increase of discussion about suicide in many groups, not just the widowed community - even a group that I am in that has nothing to do with grief has several people struggling with accepting the world they find themselves in.

I wrote this because I have had so many conversations of late around the topic and my heart breaks but I want to impart more than sympathy, I want to impart life.

Take what you like and leave the rest, comments are also welcome.

Namaste.

We all suffer.

The suffering in grief is uniquely intense. Recently I have spoken with many widows over their desire to end their pain via suicide. Many experience extreme suffering, and for some the suffering seems unbearable. They assume that the other side is painless and easy.

Since we all have to die in the end, if life becomes unbearable, then why prolong the agony?

Perhaps we imagine that we will be reunited with our loved one(s)?

I turn to the Buddhist tradition to see what it says about suicide...

The main stance of Buddhism is that the only path to peace is by being mindfully present. We can only do this through acceptance.

Buddhists believe that if we engage in mental states based in craving, hatred and delusion will give rise to actions that lead to consequences of increased suffering and decreased happiness.

These mental states and the actions arising from them are termed ‘unskilful’, in that they do not help us or anyone around us - including our children.

Contrarily, mental states that are based in acceptance, love and wisdom will give rise to actions that lead to a decrease in suffering, and an increase in happiness. These are termed ‘skilful’ in that they help everyone.

In other words, when we are grasping relentlessly for something that cannot be fulfilled and we refuse to accept the real and broken world we live in... when we believe that we are at fault for things that are not reasonably within our control... when we hate ourselves and engage in sloppy thinking and expect life to be happy... we are not using skills that will be productive and helpful and life-giving.

When we are able to let go and accept the order of things, that people die as a course of life, even untimely and violently at times... when we bring in love for ourselves and others including anyone that we might consider has wronged us... when we allow reality to have room and we know that everything is about change and impermanence... then we are life-giving and light-bearing in our circumstances.

Buddhists join many traditions that believe that the other side of suicide may not hold the relief from pain that a suicidal person expects...

Here are some quotes:

“Some people commit suicide; they seem to think that there is suffering simply because there is the human life, and that by cutting off the life there will be nothing…

But, according to the Buddhist viewpoint, that’s not the case; your consciousness will continue.

Even if you take your own life, this life, you will have to take another body that again will be the basis of suffering.

If you really want to get rid of all your suffering, all the difficulties you experience in your life, you have to get rid of the fundamental cause (greed, hatred and delusion) that gives rise to the aggregates that are the basis of all suffering.

Killing yourself isn’t going to solve your problems.”


-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama



“According to the Buddhist teaching of cause and effect, since one does not realise the truth of all phenomena, or does not practise to be liberated from life and death, suicide is pointless.

When one’s karmic retribution is not exhausted, death by suicide only leads to another cycle of rebirth.

This is why Buddhists do not support suicide; and instead, encourage constructive living, using this life to diligently practise good, thus changing the present and the future for the better.”

-Chan Master Sheng Yen



“If we do not use this precious body to help ourselves, till when shall we wait to save ourselves?”

- Buddhist Saying

Love,
Kim

Grounding Technique for Panic Attacks

I get asked about tools for panic attacks about 2x a month, so I thought I would post this, as a peer and colleague and not a therapist. Please comment and add your knowledge to the discussion.

Grounding as a Method to Address Panic Attacks

Self-care becomes important when we are grieving. We are the best expert to take care of ourselves and provide ourselves what we need.

You can take care of yourself when you feel a panic attack coming on. You absolutely can have the knowledge and tools to keep yourself settled and calm.

Please read this thoroughly. You may want to print out these instructions and keep them available.

The Idea Behind This Technique:
As the name implies, "grounding" is a particular way of coping that is designed to "ground" you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and reduce the likelihood that you slip into a state of panic, flashback or dissociation. In this way, grounding may be considered to be very similar to mindfulness.

General Instructions:
To ground, you want to use the five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). To connect with the here and now, you want to do something that will bring all your attention to the present moment.



To Begin:
Sit or stand with both feet firmly on the ground. Say to yourself: "I have everything I need to get through this feeling." Repeat that a few times.

3 deep breaths at the beginning and end of the exercise. Remember, if someone is lightheaded or hyperventilating they should breathe in and out into a paper bag 10 times.


Then start the 5's... Specific Instructions:

* 5 Sounds:
Listen for 5 discrete sounds that are different and identify them. For instance: a fan, a dog barking in the distance, the refrigerator humming, your own breathing and crickets chirping. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.

* 5 Sensations:
Touch 5 discretely different surfaces - look for warm, cold, rough, smooth - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Smells:
Smell 5 discretely different odors - fruity, floral, green, spicy, herbal - forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

* 5 Tastes:
Taste 5 descrete tastes - sweet, sour, salty, cold, hot - tastes can force you to stay in the present moment.

* 5 Sights:
Take an inventory of 5 things around you. Connect with the present moment by verbally listing 5 things around you. You could identify 5 colors you see. Count 5 pieces of furniture around you. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.


(Personal note: I used to wake up in the middle of the night with panic. I had two plastic pill sorter trays by the bed. One had tastes in it: salt, sugar, cocoa powder, cinnamon and vanilla powder. One had cotton balls in with different scents in each compartment. This way I could use the 5's right at my bedside. I would sit up in bed, swing my feet over and place them firmly on the ground, open my bedside drawer and pull out my trays and then start my routine.)

Essential oils are great and you can keep on hand to help relax if panicking: specifically lavender and neroli. Clary sage can help relax someone (don't use with alcohol). Lavender is definitely the cheapest alternative and easiest to procure.

That is a start - this system, given to me by my best friend who is an EMDR therapist, absolutely worked for me...

Blessings...
Kim

Post Trauma Recovery

MSNBC.com on post trauma:

Some never recover. But most do. In fact, nearly two thirds of trauma victims, even those who had extreme pain, say they ultimately benefited from the aftermath of their experience, according to the research of Richard G. Tedeschi, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Tedeschi and his colleagues have tracked outcomes for people who survived accidents and other traumas, such as life-threatening illnesses or the death of a child, and identified a phenomenon they call post-traumatic growth: Some survivors grow closer to people they love; others develop a sense of personal strength or appreciation for life. Still others deepen their spiritual beliefs or change their career and life goals. Women are more likely than men to report these benefits, and even those who are most impaired at first can find their way, as Ferganchick did, to feeling enriched by their ordeal.

What can these women teach the rest of us? As researchers learn more about what makes people resilient, they hope to develop therapies that could lessen negative responses and promote post-traumatic growth instead. “It’s not about getting over it‚ it’s about processing it in the most meaningful way,” Tedeschi says. “You still have your fears and grief and suffering, but you have made your suffering meaningful. If you can learn to do that, you can get through the bad stuff in life and find value in the struggle.”

Today's Reflections

Today is a hard day - but in response to being marginalized and being made invisible (literally), I decided to try and reach out farther instead of obeying the instinct to roll up like a rolly polly.

One thing about having your soul mate die - is that the person that saw you no matter what ever else was going on is no longer physically here. I think he sees me still. Call me crazy or whatever. But I do think he sees me. It is just that a safe place is gone. So when I my very existence was made obsolete today, I only had myself and my breathing. And my cat. (Thank God for cats!)

So instead of rolling away, I am walking straight toward whoever will accept my presence. I have opened a new facebook group. It is called Grief and Healing Community. I have a co-admin for the site who is quite a fun Brit. And I hope that it can be a place where people are embraced and are not made invisible.

Easter resurrection is needed. I am reaching out for it.

Love,

Today's Reflections

Death by Wind

As for those who face their death by wind
and call it by the weird name of forgiveness
they alone have the right to marry birds,
and those who stopped themselves from falling down
by holding the wall up or the sink in place
they can go without much shame for they
have lived enough and they can go click, click
if they want to, they can go tok, tok
and they can marry anything, even hummingbirds.

Gerald Stern

Love,

Today's Reflections

Today's accomplishment will be breathing.

This is all you have to do.

If you do more...

Then BONUS POINTS.

Love,

Today's Reflections

Link to a beautiful rendition...

Dust in the Wind...

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground
Though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Ohh...

Now don't hang on
Nothin' lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind (All we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind (Everything is dust in the wind)
Everything is dust in the wind.

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Pat Cain

"Every one of us

is losing something precious to us.

Lost opportunities,

lost possibilities,

feelings we can never get back again.

That’s part of what it means to be alive."

— Haruki Murakami

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Gayle Gerson

Oh you delicate heart
Sometimes it feels hard to live
The rain keeps on falling so hard
I forgot that I had some to give
Oh you delicate heart
Remind all the guards on your hill
That a love that comes by might be true
As true as the mountains are still
And I'm sure
The darkness defines where the light is
And takes all our prayers
Oh but
You will still be true
Oh you delicate heart
There's deep enough wells for our tears
When we break ourselves carelessly
Through
A tumbling down of our fears

-- Hawksley Workman