Grounding Yourself Throughout the Impermanence of Life and Death

One of the subjects that I cycle back to repeatedly is that of impermanence. 

It is this reality that, though neglected and resisted, will provide understanding, clarity and insight.

Grief can make you feel like you are in a tipping boat, can you trust the process?

But, then, the "boat" may feel very tippy. I do not want to introduce more turbulent, disorientating, depressing or confusing feelings on top of what you are already experiencing. So, where is the stability? Where is the anchor? How can we ground ourselves?

There is a place for ritual and intentional imagination that provides a predictable, meaningful, mood stabilizing, brain building, and above all - centering - result.

Rituals for Grief

WHY USE RITUAL?

A number of studies indicate that the brain finds predictability comforting and is averse to the new, creative, and unpredictable. It appears that if we can't have the familiarity and predictability we crave, we can create it ourselves, thanks to rituals.

Rituals can be complex or simple. Since we are discussing ritual for grieving people, my suggestion is to have simple rituals that contain you and do not require much from you.

Here are some suggested beginning rituals for the grieving:

Grief can be made calm by focusing for a while on a small object of hope.

Daily Observation - Spend three to five minutes doing slow, focused and careful observation of your surroundings.  If you can chose a lovely and/or complex environment, that is all the better to immerse yourself in.

Grief can be calmed by a ritual of nurture.

Daily Tea - Prepare, with intention, a cup of herbal tea. Do this slowly. Select a cup with intention, touch the cup and feel it's surface. Select tea and take great care and attention in preparing the tea (even if it is in a tea bag)... smell the odor of the dry tea. Listen to the sound of the water as it pours into the kettle or pot, place your hand 10 inches from the heat source and feel the heat building (careful not to get too close!). Do not do anything but wait and listen and watch as the water slowly gets to a boiling point. Watch the steam. You get the general idea - it is to make tea for yourself as a very slow and intentional act of nurture and being fully present to the process.

Grief can be addressed by ritual and meaning.

Thankful Ritual - Gather together a couple symbols that represent an ending - such as rings, photos, keys, glasses - anything of your choosing that is symbolic. Hold each item in your hand and note its significance to your wisdom. Say something of gratitude for all the lessons you have learned. Wrap all these remembrances of things past in a cloth together. Keep this wrapped package in a prominent place as an affirmation of wisdom and protection of your emerging self. Whenever you view the wrapped cloth parcel, thank the items again. Keep the parcel out as long as you desire.

Imagination for Grief

WHY USE IMAGINATION?

Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, a scientist at the National Institute of Health, studied the brain. He used the piano as an interface to measure human brain activity.

Having people practice five finger piano exercises, he found that the brain's motor maps of the hand more than tripled for those who did goal oriented practice on the piano.

Those who spent the same time just hitting keys randomly with no structure showed little or no brain effects.

The most surprising effect - a third group who practiced five finger piano exercises by imagination.

"They . . . rehearse mentally -- not manually -- while looking at the key board. After five days the brains of these people were identical to those who had manually practiced . . .

The same cell networks involved in executing a task are also involved in imagining it."

Here are some suggested intentional imagination exercises for the grieving: 

Grief can be made manageable by the power of imagination.

Special Surroundings - Select a favorite place. It could be a garden, a waterfall, a room, or anything else. A place where you feel content and safe. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that favorite place. Walk around slowly and notice the colors and textures around you. Focus on sight, feeling, hearing and smelling. Spend some time exploring each of your senses. And notice how good and relaxed you feel. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Grief can be soothed by relishing memories.

 

A Moment Together - Recall a very happy moment you shared with the departed. Do not allow anything to rob you of the sheer pleasure of this memory. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with them and recall all that transpired. Notice the sounds, sights, colors and textures around you. Spend some time exploring each of your senses as you recall what happened and if you forget how something transpired - do not worry. This is about nurturing your memory and more will come back to you the more you pause to exercise your memories. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment.

Address Stress - Imagine an object, sound or color that represents stress to you. For example, you may choose to imagine the color red, or a rope with knots or a loud startling noise. When you select your image, sound or color, then you take a deep belly breath and hold it for 1 count and then slowly release the breath out of your mouth. Imagine your image slowly transforming into something calming. The color red can slowly fade into a nice soft and gentle color pink. The rope with knots can slowly transform into a smooth and soft silk or velvet fabric. And the loud noise can gradually transform into a soothing sound of ocean waves. Let your muscles relax. If the stress reforms, do not be distressed by the suborn nature of stress but notice it and repeat the above. When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to the present moment. If you continue this practice you will eventually have more calm states available to you.

These tried and true techniques may assist you if balancing yourself with the impermance you encounter.

 

Love,

Kim

New Programs in the Los Angeles Area

I am negotiating upcoming expressive arts workshops for grieving people at Adult Bereavement Group at Long Beach Memorial Medical Center and The Cancer Support Community in the Los Angeles area. Stay tuned!
Love,
Kim

Question

Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön
Love, Kim

"Everyone in my Fable 3 game is dead but me..."

"...what do I do now?"

I am wrestling with this question IRL (in real life). This is a painful post for me, I am weeping as I write this.

I am in a peculiar position for someone of my generation.

My closest intimates are now dead or may be facing a terminal diagnosis, save one. One of my two remaining intimate female friends is currently being tested for Enteropathy Associated T-Cell Lymphoma. If it is the lymphoma - only 20% of patients survive five years from diagnosis, even with treatment. She is only 38 years old.

I am undone by this possibility with regards to her. I care for her, she is a glittering and shining soul. She has many gifts to share with those in need, she has a delightful sense of humor - I love my friend.

I am prayerfully considering her. Being part of hospice for her if the tides sweep us in this direction. Results are being waited on.

Then, my thoughts turn to myself.

This is the stuff that people in their old age face. Not someone in my age bracket. At least not in this time in history. I am widowed. I lost meaningful access to my three step-children. I have had several close friends die from illness, accident or suicide.

So, I sit here, alone, in the beautiful mountains on a Sunday. On Monday, work will overtake me - droves of younger humanity will arrive for programming... programming having nothing to do with existentialism or loss. This morning the birds are a wild fury of food gathering, nest building and mating. I am alone with my thoughts.

I turn to Google.

Surely someone has written about losing all their loved ones. Where are my way-showers?

And I only run across this thread in a video gaming forum.

Now granted, I will go back an refine my search criteria. I entered the words "everyone is dead and gone."  I need to refine my search to get more supportive data.

But this is still worth exploration. I am not a gamer. Being an outsider looking in works well for analysis.

How do gamers deal with everyone dying in a game?

How do game developers deal with everyone dying?

(You can click on the individual screen captures to make them larger. Click your back key to return to the blog post.)

Misspellings have not been edited.

First, we see such anger and desperate attempts to "fix" the problem. "The more I think about it the more angry I get." and "You can go back in time."...

And then the sad conclusion: "...you can only go back top remake the last decisions you made. it doesn't do anything for you."

Ain't that the truth. Maybe I could go back in time to my decisions and picked healthier people to associate with. To marry. To pour into. People who were not targets for accidents, who were not emotional and could not deal with the world on it's terms. People who do not succumb to cancer. But, it does nothing for me...

The thread continues and then one young gamer rants: "this has really anoyed me and i dont want to play it any more its a good game right up untill the end...."

I feel this way right now, in the present moment. I do not want to play any more. It was a really good game.... that is, until the end. This is not my end, not yet anyway. I do not get to purchase another game and trash this one. I am caught within the game. How do I watch everyone that I am close to die (and be on the possible threshold of losing yet another one) at such a young age? I have years ahead of me (maybe?). All the attachments that I have poured into to with dedication and with enthusiasm - are gone or may be gone soon.

I am not THAT old. I soon may have no one to remember any of my younger days with. No one that I told secrets to will wink at me when I am sixty and remind me of some part of my past. My past evaporates except what I can recall, draw out of myself. There is no rich past that will be added to by the commentary of my intimates. I may soon have no one to rehearse memories with and I am only about half way through a normal lifespan.

There is a questioning of the system - "should a year be 360 days?"  (granted, this should be 365 days, young gamer, unless it is a play on the Xbox360 name). There is an expectation of the duration of the game. I admit to having the same expectation. Why is the game over before the expected time frame?

The thread continues with anger and problem solving suggestions to alleviate the woe - and then, boom, there it is:

 Here are the words of a young gamer - "i made all the right and noble decisions. i kept my promises. and they fought along side with me. lives were lost. it happens. life goes on. but id rather re-establish a kingdom knowing a war was one than win a war and have everyone look down upon me anyways because of all i put them through and for not keeping my promises. i guess either way, people would have died. then again, its just a game. and im still alive."

I am taking it that the author meant to say "a war was won" not "one".... nevertheless, life goes on, I am still alive.

But what is being alive without connection? 


And how, at my age, do I even begin to start all over again? I do not have the same possibilities when I was younger. We were all younger, crafting our lives. You do not get to go back. It does not work that way.

Will the remaining days of my life be spent missing so many people and longing for them and finding the future to be nothing but a painful deserted thicket of loneliness?

When game designers craft their stories, how they resolve this dead end, this closed off alleyway? This is not a game with zombies that regenerate and come back again. And there is a community inferred in the relationships in the game.

The thread continues, and at it's conclusion, we read this:

" all you have to do is sleep for a while and they should come back. you dont have to play the lute"

This is how the developers deal with the loss of your entire village. You just take a long nap. Then they all resurrect. You do not even have to play a lute.

I will have a second blog entry that goes beyond this mere series of observations. I do wonder what messages are being absorbed by our children about the nature of death through these subtle nuances within video games. The developers want satisfied customers who keep playing the game, hook others into the game and purchase Fable 4 when it is on the shelf.


Maybe our God, or the universe is not as concerned about having satisfied customers. 

"Fable III" is an popular Xbox 360 and Windows franchise, selling more than six million copies. In "Fable III," players rally and fight alongside their people, ascend to the seat of power, and experience the true meaning of love and loss while defending their throne. In their quest to seize power and defend the kingdom, the choices players make will change the world around them, for the greater good or their own personal gain.


Fable III Xbox 360 was released in October 2010. You can find this thread by clicking HERE.

Love, Kim

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: N. Charneco


I’m here.

I love you.

I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you.

There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love.

I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you.

I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

-- Elizabeth Gilbert

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Annie Danberg

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry,

the philosophy which does not laugh

and the greatness which does not bow before children.

-- Kahlil Gibran

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Theresa Williams

That loss determines my identity; not all of my identity, but much of it.

It belongs within my story.

I struggle indeed to go beyond merely owning my grief toward owning it redemptively.

But I will not and cannot disown it.

I shall remember Eric.

Lament is part of life.

-- Nicholas Wolterstorf

Today's Reflections

" Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,

or bends with the remover to remove.

Oh no,

it is an ever fixed mark

that looks upon tempests and is never shaken.... "


-- William Shakespeare