Youth Novels About Loss

I will be adding to this post over time, I have to get it started.

Youth often find direct communication about death and loss overwhelming for many, many reasons. Direct conversations are good, but sprinkle in stories and other kinds of content to help children experience a range of expressiveness. Here is a beginning list of youth titles, I will be adding child titles as well over time. If you know of any child or youth fiction that you would like to see added, please leave a comment or email me. Thanks!

Youth Fiction:

• After by Francis Chalifour Fifteen-year-old Francis struggles to come to terms with his father's suicide.
• The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen The summer following her father's death, Macy plans to work at the library and wait for her brainy boyfriend to return from camp, but instead she goes to work at a catering business where she makes new friends and finally faces her grief.
• Under the Wolf, Under the Dog by Adam Rapp Sixteen-year-old Steve struggles to make sense of his mother's terminal breast cancer and his brother's suicide.
• No Right Turn by Terry Trueman After three years of wanting only to be invisible, sixteen-year-old Jordan begins to recover from his father's suicide and start living again when a neighbor's vintage Corvette Stingray opens up new possibilities for him. 
• Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume Resettled in the "Bomb City" with her mother and brother, Davey Wexler recovers from the shock of her father's death during a holdup of his 7-Eleven store in Atlantic City.
• Eagle Kite by Paula Fox Liam's father has AIDS, and his family cannot talk about it until Liam reveals a secret that he has tried to deny ever since he saw his father embracing another man at the beach.
• The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton The struggle of three brothers to stay together after their parents’ death and their quest for identity among the conflicting values of their society.
• Silver Kiss by Annette Curtis Klause  Only Simon, the young vampire who comes to her house in the middle of the night, can help Zoe overcome her brooding thoughts of her dying mother and her own loneliness.
• Girl Death Left Behind by Lurlene McDaniel  Numb with grief when an accident kills her entire family, fourteen-year-old Beth suddenly finds herself living with her spoiled cousin Terri and trying to make friends at a new school.
• Shizuko’s Daughter by Kyoto Mori  After her mother's suicide when she is twelve years old, Yuki spends years living with her distant father and his resentful new wife, cut off from her mother's family, and relying on her own inner strength to cope with the tragedy.
• Missing May by Cynthia Rylant After the death of the beloved aunt who has raised her, twelve-year-old Summer and her uncle Ob leave their West Virginia trailer in search of the strength to go on living.

Love,
Kim

"Everyone in my Fable 3 game is dead but me..."

"...what do I do now?"

I am wrestling with this question IRL (in real life). This is a painful post for me, I am weeping as I write this.

I am in a peculiar position for someone of my generation.

My closest intimates are now dead or may be facing a terminal diagnosis, save one. One of my two remaining intimate female friends is currently being tested for Enteropathy Associated T-Cell Lymphoma. If it is the lymphoma - only 20% of patients survive five years from diagnosis, even with treatment. She is only 38 years old.

I am undone by this possibility with regards to her. I care for her, she is a glittering and shining soul. She has many gifts to share with those in need, she has a delightful sense of humor - I love my friend.

I am prayerfully considering her. Being part of hospice for her if the tides sweep us in this direction. Results are being waited on.

Then, my thoughts turn to myself.

This is the stuff that people in their old age face. Not someone in my age bracket. At least not in this time in history. I am widowed. I lost meaningful access to my three step-children. I have had several close friends die from illness, accident or suicide.

So, I sit here, alone, in the beautiful mountains on a Sunday. On Monday, work will overtake me - droves of younger humanity will arrive for programming... programming having nothing to do with existentialism or loss. This morning the birds are a wild fury of food gathering, nest building and mating. I am alone with my thoughts.

I turn to Google.

Surely someone has written about losing all their loved ones. Where are my way-showers?

And I only run across this thread in a video gaming forum.

Now granted, I will go back an refine my search criteria. I entered the words "everyone is dead and gone."  I need to refine my search to get more supportive data.

But this is still worth exploration. I am not a gamer. Being an outsider looking in works well for analysis.

How do gamers deal with everyone dying in a game?

How do game developers deal with everyone dying?

(You can click on the individual screen captures to make them larger. Click your back key to return to the blog post.)

Misspellings have not been edited.

First, we see such anger and desperate attempts to "fix" the problem. "The more I think about it the more angry I get." and "You can go back in time."...

And then the sad conclusion: "...you can only go back top remake the last decisions you made. it doesn't do anything for you."

Ain't that the truth. Maybe I could go back in time to my decisions and picked healthier people to associate with. To marry. To pour into. People who were not targets for accidents, who were not emotional and could not deal with the world on it's terms. People who do not succumb to cancer. But, it does nothing for me...

The thread continues and then one young gamer rants: "this has really anoyed me and i dont want to play it any more its a good game right up untill the end...."

I feel this way right now, in the present moment. I do not want to play any more. It was a really good game.... that is, until the end. This is not my end, not yet anyway. I do not get to purchase another game and trash this one. I am caught within the game. How do I watch everyone that I am close to die (and be on the possible threshold of losing yet another one) at such a young age? I have years ahead of me (maybe?). All the attachments that I have poured into to with dedication and with enthusiasm - are gone or may be gone soon.

I am not THAT old. I soon may have no one to remember any of my younger days with. No one that I told secrets to will wink at me when I am sixty and remind me of some part of my past. My past evaporates except what I can recall, draw out of myself. There is no rich past that will be added to by the commentary of my intimates. I may soon have no one to rehearse memories with and I am only about half way through a normal lifespan.

There is a questioning of the system - "should a year be 360 days?"  (granted, this should be 365 days, young gamer, unless it is a play on the Xbox360 name). There is an expectation of the duration of the game. I admit to having the same expectation. Why is the game over before the expected time frame?

The thread continues with anger and problem solving suggestions to alleviate the woe - and then, boom, there it is:

 Here are the words of a young gamer - "i made all the right and noble decisions. i kept my promises. and they fought along side with me. lives were lost. it happens. life goes on. but id rather re-establish a kingdom knowing a war was one than win a war and have everyone look down upon me anyways because of all i put them through and for not keeping my promises. i guess either way, people would have died. then again, its just a game. and im still alive."

I am taking it that the author meant to say "a war was won" not "one".... nevertheless, life goes on, I am still alive.

But what is being alive without connection? 


And how, at my age, do I even begin to start all over again? I do not have the same possibilities when I was younger. We were all younger, crafting our lives. You do not get to go back. It does not work that way.

Will the remaining days of my life be spent missing so many people and longing for them and finding the future to be nothing but a painful deserted thicket of loneliness?

When game designers craft their stories, how they resolve this dead end, this closed off alleyway? This is not a game with zombies that regenerate and come back again. And there is a community inferred in the relationships in the game.

The thread continues, and at it's conclusion, we read this:

" all you have to do is sleep for a while and they should come back. you dont have to play the lute"

This is how the developers deal with the loss of your entire village. You just take a long nap. Then they all resurrect. You do not even have to play a lute.

I will have a second blog entry that goes beyond this mere series of observations. I do wonder what messages are being absorbed by our children about the nature of death through these subtle nuances within video games. The developers want satisfied customers who keep playing the game, hook others into the game and purchase Fable 4 when it is on the shelf.


Maybe our God, or the universe is not as concerned about having satisfied customers. 

"Fable III" is an popular Xbox 360 and Windows franchise, selling more than six million copies. In "Fable III," players rally and fight alongside their people, ascend to the seat of power, and experience the true meaning of love and loss while defending their throne. In their quest to seize power and defend the kingdom, the choices players make will change the world around them, for the greater good or their own personal gain.


Fable III Xbox 360 was released in October 2010. You can find this thread by clicking HERE.

Love, Kim

Explaining Death To A Child

Natalie Merchant's new song HERE



Spring and Fall: to a Young Child

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving? 

Leaves, like the things of man, you 

With your fresh thoughts care for, can you? 

Ah! as the heart grows older 

It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie; 

And yet you will weep and know why. 

Now no matter, child, the name: 

Sorrow's springs are the same. 

Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed 

What héart héard of, ghóst guéssed: 

It is the blight man was born for,

It is Margaret you mourn for.

- Gerard Manley Hopkins


“Goldengrove,” - a child's play-world - is “unleaving,” or losing its leaves as winter approaches. Age will change her innocent response to loss, and that later whole “worlds” of forest will lie in leafless disarray (“leafmeal,” like “piecemeal”). Margaret will weep later, but for a more conscious reason - Margaret is already mourning over her own mortality.

KIDS EXPRESS

Our geode Easter eggs were less than spectacular... we decided we need to try again... good learning about tenacity!

love,

KIDS EXPRESS

Easter Egg Geodes Part II
Waiting for them to dry now...
More tomorrow.

Love,

KIDS EXPRESS

Today is another busy day, hosting a live chat about grief online and having 2 girls - 10 and 13 year old - coming to tonight to stay the weekend... so there is a lot to do to get ready...

BUT, part of getting ready is to share something we will be doing this weekend with YOU...

Here is one thing we will do this weekend:

GEODE EASTER EGGS

See the instructions via the link.

We need to start early so they have time to dry. Also, we have never done it before so we will conduct a test and see the results. Luckily, these girls are old enough that if we make a mistake they can handle any disappointment. So, we will make a batch now, and perhaps another nearer to Easter.

Part of our conversation while making geode eggs will be about various states of change... these girls have had 2 aunts die of breast cancer in the last few years and their mother is currently in remission from cancer.

I will let you know our results both scientifically and in our conversation. I'll take some pic too.

And, we'll have an omelette for dinner!

Have a great weekend!

Love,

KIDS EXPRESS

"KIDS EXPRESS".

When kids lose someone close to them, the adults that love them can make a creative space to help them survive and thrive.

This blog sub-topic will include creative exercises and art ideas to help families process and remember.

Memory is a key building block for children as they grow into being fruitful adults. Our first blog post is about something REALLY EASY that you can make for - or with - your wiggly one to help them remember their special person and practice spacial memory.

A Memory Game (double entendre intended!)

This version of the typical childrens memory game is adapted to share memories of a special departed one. It was therapeutic for me to make, and while playing the kids rehearse memories as they refine their recall and spacial skills.

You will need:
- cardboard - large enough to make your template
- large sheet of printed paper - scrapbook card stock is great
- scissors
- pens
- stickers or other decorative items you would like to use (optional)
- cold laminate sheets (optional)
- your list of memories about the one you want to remember

First, create your template shape on cardboard. I chose a heart shape to reinforce that daddy loved them - you can pick any shape that you want. Cut your template out with scissors.
Using the template, trace onto your large piece of printed paper.

If your children are quite young, match up each pair with an exclusive print on the paper (our example is for a young one) to help them match the pairs easier. If they are older, make it harder by having all the pairs have the same printed paper.

Make at least 12 cut outs, so you will have 6 pairs. If you make an odd number of pairs (like 7 pairs) two can play and your game can have a "winner".

Cut out your shapes on the printed paper.

Flip your shapes over so that the printed sides are facing down. On the “blank” side, start organizing your pairs. You will need two shapes per pair. You will write words to make the pairs. It is up to you as to what they say.
Mine are focused on helping know and remember their daddy. I made 6 pairs.
My 6 phrases were:
Daddy played peek-a-boo with you.
Daddy read at bedtime to you.
Daddy liked to tickle you.
Daddy took you to the zoo.
Daddy liked to snuggle you.
Daddy liked to give your bath.
(Instead of phrases, you could also use different photos of the departed, printed in pairs and glued to the back of your shapes if you wanted a visual/non-verbal version of the game. Perhaps different pictures of the departed when they were interacting with the kid(s).)

Once you have written your phrases and decorated the pieces as you would like... you may cold laminate the shapes and trim the edges if you would like to have the game be sturdy.

TO PLAY THE GAME:

Set up your game on a clean flat surface. Ours was simply on the clean carpet. Make sure no wiggly one is peeking as you order out those pairs in a grid format! Place pieces word-side down on the surface. Mix them around as you put them down, you can "shuffle" them around when you are done too. Make a grid pattern...

Once the game is set up, tell your kids to try to find the matching pairs by turning over 2 shapes to see if they match. Read aloud together the phrases as your child turns them over, and ask if (s)he thinks they match. If they do not match, they turn them back over and try again.
At the end, all of the pairs will be face up with all the written messages showing:
Finishes with a wonderful visual set of memories for the wiggly one to see... and maybe a nice little conversation can occur too.

We will be posting materials like this again in the future.

Our love to you and your wiggly ones...

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: N. Charneco


I’m here.

I love you.

I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you.

There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love.

I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you.

I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

-- Elizabeth Gilbert

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Annie Danberg

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry,

the philosophy which does not laugh

and the greatness which does not bow before children.

-- Kahlil Gibran

Today's Reflections

A ship sails, and I stand
Watching till she fades on the horizon
And someone at my side says
"She is Gone"

Gone where?
Gone from my sight, that is all

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me
Not in her

She is just as large as when I saw her...

The diminished size, and total loss of sight
is in me,
Not in her

And just at the moment when someone at my side says
She is Gone
There are others who are watching her coming
And other voices take up the glad shout
"Here she Comes"!

And that is dying.

-- Author Unknown

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Theresa Williams

That loss determines my identity; not all of my identity, but much of it.

It belongs within my story.

I struggle indeed to go beyond merely owning my grief toward owning it redemptively.

But I will not and cannot disown it.

I shall remember Eric.

Lament is part of life.

-- Nicholas Wolterstorf