EXPRESSIVE ARTS FOR GRIEVING PEOPLE

UPCOMING INTERVIEW - A CONVERSATION ABOUT CONNECTING WITH LOVED ONES BEYOND THE PHYSICAL REALM

INTERLACED
I am hosting a conversation with Samantha Smith just before Mother's Day for people who are grieving the people who gave them parenting love and who want to communicate with them...

You may be avoiding Mother’s Day because you no longer have that person to kiss, hug or buy flowers for. You may feel somber or even despondent. 

Just as we try to connect with those that have crossed over, I can tell you that they, too, go to great lengths to connect with us. If you long for these connections... all that limits you is that you cannot comprehend what is beaming toward you. So, you may "feel" in the dark. 

You can awaken and/or improve your abilities to richly connect with your loved ones who are now non-physical. Join Samantha and Kim to explore what processes they use to connect with the deceased people in their lives. Samantha and Kim have different but complementary experiences in connecting in the spiritual realm and believe that you can have your own unique kind of experience too! You need not go to a psychic or a spiritual guru. If we need someone else to see, hear and feel for us, we miss a great deal. There is a limited benefit by using a 3rd party. 


Be self-empowered and reduce the sensation of being so alone.  And - are you an agnostic or an atheist? There is room at the table for you too. There are many layers to the discussion. Join in, if you would like!

We are density...


They are spirit...

Learn how to make meaningful connections! This will be a Skype recording that we will upload to YouTube. The link will be provided as soon as it is ready.


Love,
Kim

TAKE TWO...

Are you widowed and now find yourself dating, engaged or newly remarried?


Personally, I got into a relationship one year after the loss of my partner, Brian. When that relationship ended, I realized that there were new dynamics to be considered as a widowed person that I had never had to deal with before.


As a certified Prepare/Enrich facilitator I can provide an online relationship inventory and a skill-building program to improve your relationship. It's tailored to the specifics of a couple's relationship and provides targeted exercises to celebrate your strengths as a couple and to build your relationship skills.

I would like to give back to the widowed community.


I am giving away one (1) free online couple's assessment and a free one (1) hour google hangout session to a couple where one - or both - have been widowed. Enter using the email sign up above ^^^. One entry per couple.


Enter your information above and you will be entered. Your information is safe with me. Entries begin February 24, 2016.


A random drawing will be held on March 12, 2016 at 6 PM PST. Should the couple not respond within 48 hours, a subsequent winning couple will be selected.


Good luck!
Love,
Kim

Giveaway Policy Giveaway is self-sponsored by the blog owner. If you need further clarification, please ask. All giveaways, unless otherwise stated, will follow these guidelines:~winners chosen via Random.org.~ giveaways are in no way are meant to be a form of gambling or sweepstakes.~open only to individuals in the continental USA, 18+.~will start and end on dates listed on each specific contest. ~each winner will have 48 hours to claim prize, after being notified via the email they used to enter the contest. After 48 hours, if there is no response, another winner will be chosen.~site/blog owner agrees to schedule delivery to winner(s) within 14 days.~giveaway entrants agree to be honest and not cheat the systems; any suspect of fraud is decided upon by blog/site owner and the sponsor, and entrants may be disqualified at our discretion. ~any prizes that may result in tax liability for the winner(s) are the winner(s) responsibility.~any and all giveaways may be promoted on Facebook, Twitter, email or other social network sites. Promotion on those sites is not to be interpreted as Facebook or Twitter partaking in, or being in any way responsible for that particular contest.~winner(s) assumes all responsibility if further clarification is needed, prior to either entering a giveaway on this site or claiming a prize at the conclusion of a contest.~your email is added to our mailing list. You still will get a verification/confirmation email and may decline or unsubscribe at any time.~have fun, good luck & thanks for reading!

Google Hangout For The Grieving



I am hosting a Google Hangout for members of the Alive and Mortal - a Grief and Healing Community.

We are targeting Sunday night October 25th. Let me know if you would like to be included!

Love,
Kim
Brian, written on February 12, 2008 at 12:38 in the morning...

“Looking for parts that matter
Wet and tired, a strong return?
Fuck the stupid grey mist singing
Old and tired songs
And fuck the sleep that comes begging
With lucid fits of of ill regard
I'm a comet burning loudly
With brilliant flames
Through ripping air
Some tremble with expected doom
But I was only out for
An exaulted romp through time
I am gone”
Brian began to not feel well in May, 2008. Brian died June 17, 2008.

I still marvel at this.

Love,
Kim

Planet Sown In Beings

Ours is a planet sown in beings. Our generations overlap like shingles. We don't fall in rows like hay, but we fall. Once we get here, we spend forever on the globe, most of it tucked under. While we breathe, we open time like a path in the grass. We open time as a boat's stem slits the crest of the present. –Annie Dillard


Love,
Kim

Time Was Generous Once Upon A Time

Life changes in both radical and subtle ways when someone dies.

Today, I am thinking about the subtle ways that life changes...  these alterations seem somewhat vexing... they creep in and make stark contrasts with the noisy life that we all seem to lead.

When my mother was younger, she was very active and busy. She was occupied and pre-occupied with her projects and interests. She always had said that she wanted her grandchildren to ask "Where is Grandma now?".... she was never the mother that stayed home and baked and set up space for you to visit.

But when she had turned - I will guess - around 80+ some things shifted for the woman who was always on the move. She slowed. Her legs were less reliable through accident and unsuccessful surgeries. Her heart was less robust. So the woman who had little time to be a mother when young was more available for phone calls, texts and emails.

But it is our phone calls that I am missing beyond measure.

These calls were often held on my cell phone when I was driving. They consisted of me calling and - for the large part- listening to her. Peppered in there where increasing questions of how I was, what was going on. Increasing over the years was a slow tectonic plate shift toward a more generous conversation style with ample time and more interest in things beyond her projects.

Mom died on Good Friday - March 29, 2013.

On Tuesday I took, for the first time, one of the drives when I typically called her.

And I could hardly breathe.

There will be nothing to replace this for me. These phone calls filled in some of the gaps and fissures of my relationship with her. It is such a gift and I had it for about 6 years or so.... I am so sad to let it go. I plan to keep speaking with her, though, it will not be the same.

Thank you for reading.

Love,
Kim

You Are Breathing For Two Now

When someone has died they are no longer breathing. Breath is, indeed, the source of life.

It is not suprising that breath becomes challenging with grief. Our empathy with our beloved's absence of breath may effect our breath on some primitive level. It worked that way for me. Since Brian died, I have struggled with my breath.

I have been observing that breath is critical skill to work with in my grief. 

I decided that, like the old proverb of saying "you are eating for two" when you are pregnant, that I'm saying that "I am breathing for two now" - for myself and for Brian who cannot breathe any more.

I want to encourage all grieving people to breathe better.

Understand, first, the mechanics:

Imagine the diaphragm as a large, sheet that lies underneath the lungs. It works like a bellow that stokes a fire, expanding with the intake of air (inhale) and expelling air (exhale). The inhale expands the abdomen, moving the diaphragm down and massaging the abdominal organs; while the exhale contracts the abdomen, moving the diaphragm up and massaging the heart.
 
Grief can cause two results in our breathing - one is shallow breath where a lack of oxygen is very hard on the body - it can result in a low level of vitality and our lack of oxygenated blood contributes to anxiety states, depression and fatigue. The other result is feeling like you are not getting enough air - no matter how hard one is breathing. This has been called "chronic breathing" or "over-breathing" can contribute to feelings of anxiety, panic and fear.
 
To see where you are with your breath, find a time when you are alone for about 10 minutes. Count your breaths for 1 minute. Our breath is healthy at 6 to 10 breaths a minute. Are you breathing fast or slow? Observe the movement of your chest and abdomen as you breathe. When your chest moves more than your abdomen you are over-breathing.

The Autonomic Nervous System is deeply affected by breath. 

Stretch the neck muscles to aid your breathing practice. Slowly move your left ear to your left shoulder while keeping the spine straight. Extend your right arm down reaching your fingers toward the floor. Switch sides. Practice breathing as you perform this exercise.

Now, sit comfortably and place your hands on your chest, thumbs inside the armpits, middle fingers touching at the chest's center. The middle fingers should move slightly apart upon inhale. Exaggerate that movement by deep inhales for two or three minutes at a time. 

You might visualize liquid being poured into a glass, you will imagine the bottom (diaphragm) gets full first, taking time in pouring, into the middle of the glass (lower lungs) all the way up to the top (upper lungs). 

There are three steps to full breathing: Inhalation (to a count of four); Retention/Holding (to a count of four); and Exhalation (to a count of eight). 

Breathe through the nose. This warm air helps the body use more oxygen.

Our culture is focused with holding on and the act of surrender is often a difficult one. Good breath has a sense of taking in and letting go.
  
Love, 
Kim

Memories Uncovered

 Sometimes you go through the lurking edges of your computerized world and find treasures... sometimes these treasures make you catch your breath.

I have been digging in my computer since my original one crapped out - the motherboard died, requiring me to migrate over to a new (to me) computer.

And I found this, circa 2003. And I burst into tears.



Brian was attempting to take photos of us for a sarcastic Christmas card we wanted to design to send to friends who "got" our weird sense of humor. Hence, being in front of "Circus Liquor" a creepy liquor store in North Hollywood. You can see him clicking the remote. It was dark where the tripod was set up and he accidentally pressed the wrong button... so we had a short video clip and he did not plan on it. We did get our photos and designed our Christmas card and sent it out that year. And we inadvertently got a video clip.

A clip that we never intended to have.

We were photo people. We did not do a lot of video at all. Now, I regret that. I wish I had filmed every small pathetic detail of our days. But I did not.

I did not know this was lurking in the computer - when I had downloaded the camera it came with all the photos and sat there quietly, waiting to be noticed. This is a treasure for me. Even if I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, this short little treasure makes me wealthy beyond measure.

Merry Christmas from Circus Liquor...

Love,
Kim

Panic Attacks - Grief and Bereavement Solutions For... CHILDREN!

 I have become somewhat of an expert on the subject of panic attacks, having done great battle with them after Brian, my life partner, died. It was a 21 day journey from diagnosis to his crossing and I was running on so much adrenalin at that point that I am certain that my body chemistry had shifted.

I have posted on this subject before:

GROUNDING TECHNIQUES FOR PANIC ATTACKS

and

WHAT A PANIC ATTACK FEELS LIKE

If you click on the titles, it will take you to those posts...

Occasionally I run across something that I feel adds to these posts... That happened today. There is a youtube video that captures breathing techniques FOR CHILDREN!

I love this. It is good to watch this with your young ones when it is a non-stressful moment so they focus on the skills, practice and have fun. Repeat the phrases that they use, sing along, bodily copy what they are doing in the video - all this will help create a mind map that the kids can go back to when they are stressed out!

Take a look:


Parents, please comment and let me know your thoughts... is this helpful?

Love,
Kim

A Widowed Person's Review of the Sitcom "Go On"

SPOILER ALERT

The 2012 television series Go On answers the question - how would an narcissistic male in the sports radio industry grieve?

Ryan, our main subject, is played by Matthew Perry, who is 1 month into being widowed when we start the pilot.

Ryan has two communities that he is engaged with.

One is his work community - a sports news casting / interviewing show - that Ryan is doggedly trying to interact with after his loss. Ryan needs to be at work. He needs to have the diversion of his profession, as well, we see his replacement host performing his job and we are lead to wonder if he can stand having someone else fill his role. He spends hours working late with his assistant and spends time with his superior. Yet, Ryan is considered to be "in denial"  regarding his loss by corporate. The main work characters are trying hard to uphold him, support him and help him - and one way they are trying to help is by requiring 10 group sessions at the local Transitions Group, which is the second community.
NBC's Go On - a new series about a widowed person

The Transitions Group is full of oddball characters who cross talk and have a large spectrum of losses (not all human deaths). Ryan does NOT want this community and is resistant to participation with the group on it's own terms. By the end of the first session he attends, Ryan has engineered the group into competing against one another in a friendly, sportsman-like NCAA-style brackets way on whose loss is worse. Ryan is a advocate for stop talking and instead to go do something. He even lies initially about the cause of how wife's death. The group is also trying to get Ryan to cope on a more honest level with his loss, but can be whipped into a frenzy by his force of personality.


Finally, at Ryan's home, there is the solitary gardener that is not informed of his wife's death for over a month.

Later we learn that Ryan's wife died due to texting while driving. He displays hostility when he fights with someone who is texting while driving.

Ryan does not want to go home at night and tosses and turns in the martial bed, finally giving up and sleeping on the couch. In this more honest depiction, the writers hint and allude to the fact that they may eventually reveal the soft underbelly of this character. It will be necessary for them to depict greater depth for us to care about Ryan and in order to make the series less of a mish-mosh of caricatures and more of complex and interesting story.


We are shown Ryan's loss is propelling him involuntarily to be engaged in new ways with people. In these new experiences he is trying to pull out with full force all of his old methods of narcissism and action in dealing with his loss. We can assume that there will be lessons to be learned in the episodes that follow if the series is to be thought provoking.




I have watched numerous shows from the pilot phase progress to find an interesting and full-bodied voice, and I have seen others evaporate. It will be interesting to see where this one goes. Initially, I am not drawn with anticipation to this show because the grief group characters seem rather vapid and cartoon-like, with the exception of the lesbian who lost her wife. The counselor is made light of and the dynamics within the grief group are made extremely silly. For me to be hooked, I will need to see an arc of character development within the next 6 episodes. Otherwise I will begin to loose interest fast.

The workplace being depicted as supportive and aware that Ryan needs a grief group - this is only partly believable. It is only plausible because Ryan is the "star" of their show and corporate needs to keep him stabilized. Most workplaces, where the rest of us spend our days post - loss, are totally unattuned to such matters.

I am not offended by the series being a sitcom about widowed life. It has potential to help people think behind laughter, to entertain and enlighten - if it is bold and intelligent enough to achieve such a goal. The writers are hinting to us that they are capable of this level of material. Several of the actors are certainly capable of this level of performance. But, it is too soon to tell.

Love,
Kim

Rituals for the Journey

The group sharing was AMAZING. Such a brain trust in the room, I regret that there is no way to capture how amazing these people are. They have faced so much and still have inspiration to empart!

Love,
Kim

Camp Widow West Ensues!

I am honored to be leading 2 workshops at Camp Widow West this year. I will be the panel moderator for a discussion on children of widows on Friday late afternoon. And, I am excited to present an intensive on both Friday and Saturday called "Rituals for the Journey."

Camp Widow West™ 2012 will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California from August 10-12, 2012.

See below!



FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

Here I am, wearing an Amish hat! (Just kidding!)


FRIDAY ONLY

To see more, go to www.campwidow.org

NOTE: I just learned that anyone who signs up because they heard about camp from me can use the group rate registration which saves them $50!

Love,
Kim

EMDR - what the heck is it and will it help?

If you are having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you may fall into one or more of three categories:  
  • intrusive memories
  • avoidance and numbing
  • increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal)
You may have someone suggest EMDR treatment to you. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a treatment for PTSD.

In EMDR, a patient brings to mind emotionally unpleasant images and beliefs about themselves related to their traumatic event. With these thoughts and images in mind, patients are asked to experience bi-lateral stimulation as guided by the therapist.

I traveled to New England to receive EMDR but you can find a local clinician.
 In your first session, the clinician will likely explain how EMDR might be used to address the specific concerns you have identified - and help you to identify the "target(s)" for EMDR reprocessing - the particular feeling(s), memory(ies), belief(s), or situation(s) that has been problematic for you.

There are different types of bilateral stimulation. Your clinician may use ear phones, tappers held in your hands, lights that can be followed by your eyes or various types of music with embedded bilateral sounds.

Using bilateral stimulation, you explore positive resources in your mind. EMDR is very effective at enhancing positive images, thoughts, and memories. Later, when working with upsetting targets, you can return to these positive resources as a place of safety, support, and calm.

As you think about the target - bilateral stimulation helps your mind "reprocess" the target by allowing your mind to move towards new thoughts and feelings. "Desensitization" occurs when there is a decrease in the anxiety or negative emotions associated with the target. When you no longer find the target disturbing, you have arrived at "adaptive resolution".

How many sessions will be needed? 
Repeated studies show that EMDR can be extremely effective in as few as three sessions - compared to years in more traditional forms of therapy (see the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, vol.13,1999). Often one might anticipate 6 sessions and an assessment on whether to continue or to conclude EMDR. The time frame of the work will largely be determined by your needs and goals.

I used EMDR and it has been highly effective for me. I had a talented clinician and attended 8 sessions. I highly recommend EMDR.

Love, 
Kim

Centering Prayer and Breathing Exercises for Uncertain Times

Our encounters of mortality are what I refer to as a boot camp for the soul. 

If you are struggling with your own or someone else's mortality, there are things to do to recharge your stamina and resiliency in facing grief and fear.


Centering Prayer:


Centering Prayer (also called Prayer of the Heart) is the prayer first described in the spiritual classic, "The Cloud of Unknowing".
Centering Prayer is thought to be based on one of the contemplative prayer forms St. John of the Cross describes as “the practice of loving attentiveness”.


Research has been conducted on Centering Prayer. (Article: "Centering prayer for women receiving chemotherapy for recurrent ovarian cancer: A pilot study". Oncology Nursing Forum 36 (4)) This one-year Centering Prayer study conducted by the Mind Body Medicine Research Group studied prayer practitioners, along with other spiritual practitioners, for the Spiritual Engagement Project, a research study on how engagement in spiritual practices and community influences health and well-being.  Participants completed the myriad tasks for this project, including online questionnaires, two eight-day periods of daily telephone surveys, forms and emails. The findings indicate that it may be helpful for those receiving chemotherapy, and that it may help people experience a more collaborative relationship with God, as well as reduced stress.

This prayer form is a meditation technique which works primarily with the repetition of a sacred word or formula.

Centering Prayer is a silent, non-conceptual form prayer and therefore different from conventional spoken prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer or mentally repeated prayers. The practice of centering prayer seeks to still the activity of the mind in order to experience a loving awareness of God’s presence.
Centering Prayer takes shape in four very simple steps.

  1. Choose a sacred word or phrase such as Abba, Jesus, Shalom or Love.
  1. Sit comfortably with good supported posture and with eyes closed begin repeating the chosen sacred word.
  1. When ever other thoughts arise, do not fret, just keep coming back to the sacred word.
  1. At the end of your prayer, remain in silence for a while, observing your breathing.
Possible sacred words or phrases for Centering Prayer are: 
  • Jesus
  • Christos
  • Father
  • Mother 
  • Abba
  • God
  • Love
  • Peace
  • Mercy
  • Yes


You can make this your own, based on you unique beliefs and convictions.

The singular word is very helpful for making a simple assertion. When I was having my "Whole World Melt Down" in 2008, I began to use the word "peace" and I still use it today. It has borne fruit in my life that I now see today.

Try the Centering Prayer when you are ready. It will be there for you when it is the right time.
Breathing Exercises:

Breathing Exercises also 
are beneficial for stress reduction and centering. 
 (If you have any medical history with complications of breathing – consult a physician first.)

This particular technique is from the discipline of Tai Chi. I have mentioned it before, it bears repeating.

Sit with both feet firmly planted on the ground and in an upright and alert position that is comfortable.

Take 3 short inhales.


Let go of 1 long exhale.

Repeat this sequence five times.

This pattern brings what is typically an involuntary bodily process (breathing) and makes it an intentional process, thereby bringing awareness to your core self and assisting you with grounding and offering stability. Breathing gets at the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system that can become aggrivated and cause panic attacks and anxiety related disorders.There are many breathing exercises to try, this one is a place to begin.

Be well.

Love,
Kim

What a Panic Attack Feels Like

I just was PMing with a friend who is facing the possibility of some serious life-threatening information. He is already having sleep disruption and anxiety. As a preventative measure, I shared with him what a panic attack feels like in the beginning... so that if he should start to careen down that slippery road that he would know what to do.


Likely, if you know what one is and possess the tools to address it in advance, you will be far ahead of most people in dealing with it and can even prevent it from developing.


Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, and may reach a peak within 10 minutes. It might feel like:
  • a heart attack 
  • a "flashing vision" 
  • feeling faint or nauseated
  • a numbing sensation all over
  • tunnel vision
  • labored breathing or hyperventilation with the feeling of not being able to get air
  • trembling, heart palpitations, chest pain or tightness, 
  • hot or cold flashes, sweating, dizziness, light-headedness,
  • tingling sensations, sensations of choking or smothering
  • difficulty moving and disassociation

A panic attack is a response of the sympathetic nervous system.

Often a panic attack is incorrectly self-diagnosed as a heart attack and the sufferer ends up in an emergency room. It is not unwise to allow an electrocardiogram to rule out a heart attack. Better safe than sorry.


As a refresher, I have 2 other posts that compliment this one:


Working with your life in times of upheaval:
grounding-throughout-impermanence

Preventative information should you feel a panic attack coming on:
grounding-technique-for-panic-attacks
 
Love,
Kim

Compassionate Friends 35th National Conference/ 5th International Gathering

If you're seeking a way to remember and grieve for your child, sibling, or grandchild with people who understand and don't expect you to be "back to normal," why not give yourself a gift this summer by attending the 35th National Conference/5th International Gathering? This is a unique opportunity to be surrounded by a safe-haven that comes along only once a year.
For the loss of a child or sibling

July 20-22, 2012 in beautiful Costa Mesa, California!

See more here...

Love,
Kim

Gathering Memories After The Loss Of A Partner


Gatherings
My husband died in June of 2008 of pancreatic cancer.

Gatherings

I am coming up on the anniversary of Brian's death, his birthday and Father's Day.

I am remembering Brian.

Sparks Fly Upward - Artwork To Represent The Loss of a Husband


My husband died in June of 2008.


I am entering this piece in the Oncology On CanvasSM: Expressions of a Cancer Journey Art Competition and Exhibition in the Family Member, Friend or Caregiver division. If selected, they will donate monies to my charity of choice. I am selecting the Cancer Support Community. Wish me luck!
 

Just for those of you that do not know me well, I am a widow. My husband died June, 2008 from pancreatic cancer at a young age.

 I have to write about this as well. Words come much harder for me. As I finish writing I will update this entry.
  
Love, 
Kim

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