Love Sorrow, a poem by Mary Oliver

Love Sorrow on Prezi

Love,
Kim

A journey of darkeness to light

Written by my friend Gill Mcmullin:

Some years ago now I was just like you,

A normal life, husband, child and dog too

Times had been hard, a struggle to get by

But in good and bad we stood the test of time



A new opportunity gave hope to us all

Finally the break we had been waiting for

The opportunity began, but a cloud stood in the way

A sickness so violent that just wouldn’t go away



Many visits to the doctors, hospitals all very formal

So why did all the tests come back normal

An ulcer it was the medical conclusion

Until a camera revealed that was just an illusion



So what could it be this dark cloud of sickness

Enough was enough it just left bitterness

An emergency operation what would it reveal

The cause of the sickness would now heal.



Finally back to normal filled of hopes and dreams

But as we all know things are never as they seem

A call would do it, a nurse on the phone

Telling us she would visit us at home



Nothing prepares you for what I’m about to say

I just have to tell you it’s the only way

To look someone in the eye when they are told this news

Is to look at a man someone you once knew



For in that moment, my life changed for good

A heart of denial masked with a hood

We can fix this I know we can

Once we know the results of the scan



A pain so deep it’s hard to describe

More so than being sliced with a knife

When every question you ask is answered with no

How can this be he is not even old



A ray of hope, a shining light

A small but chance of a fight

To stop the sickness was the hardest part

Why is my life falling apart



What did I do that was so wrong

How am I supposed to be strong

I fell to my knees as the ambulance came

We knew he would not come home again




How do I tell this young boy of eleven

His daddy he adores is about to go to heaven

With no explanation or reason why

It’s just against the nature of life



A snowy day in November

A small wedding took place, in a tiny room with limited space

No gown, no bridesmaids it seemed so unfair

Only a small band of gold for us to share



A happy moment for us all

A darker day was about to fall

To say goodbye to your son is so hard

For mum too watch on a shattered heart



How to understand you never can

Just how much I love this man

A final kiss was his last request

A heart wrenching goodbye to one of the best.



I walk around each day with a broken soul

Knowing I can never be completely whole

Never tell me how I should feel

For you this is a story, for me this is real.



Years have passed and they have been tough

Some days and nights were just too much

I’m back on track and things are good

My heart is no longer shrouded in a hood



Time does not heal, the scars they are there

Even some days now are too much to bare

I fought a battle each day for so long

I never gave up and if finally paid off



I will never have the answer why this happened to me

But, I am now at peace that his soul is free

I can’t change the past or predict the future

But will be forever grateful that he was my teacher



The love you keep it never goes away

Maybe we will meet in heaven someday

I’m not the same person as I was years ago

I’m stronger and wiser and it’s because of my woe



My heart is wounded again with the loss of my niece

For my brother and family I hope for some peace

Not knowing how they feel, but offer experience from my own

More important to tell them they are never alone



Strength is slowly found in sorrow

There is always another tomorrow

It could be better it could be worse

That is the nature of the hurt



Never underestimate the power of growth

The deeper it’s felt the more it will show

Normality is hard, but balance is the key

It comes from the love it will set you free.


I think she nailed it. Beautiful.

Love,

There Is No Cure For Memory...

Yesterday's Advent Calendar for Grieving People had a poem by Emily Brontë and I have been pausing there with her. 'Fifteen wild Decembers' means a person who is fifteen years out in her grief. Yet, the poet - who is expert at staying with the feeling places of the heart - shows us where the passing of time might take us, and she shows us her haunted path and tender resolve in the final stanza. I find it highly instructive to consider her matured and seasoned vantage point.

Remembrance

Cold in the earth -- and the deep snow piled above thee,
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
Severed at last by Time's all-severing wave?

Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
Resting their wings where heath and fern leaves cover
Thy noble heart forever, ever more?

Cold in the earth -- and fifteen wild Decembers,
From those brown hills, have melted into spring;
Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!

Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world's tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!

No later light has lightened up my heaven,
No second morn has ever shone for me;
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.

But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,
And even Despair was powerless to destroy,
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.

Then did I check the tears of useless passion --
Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine.

And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?

For the online Advent Calendar for Grieving People, including a video of Emily's poem, click HERE.

Love,

Improvisation and Loss Part One

❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣

“What an odd thing tourism is. You fly off to a strange land, eagerly abandoning all the comforts of home, and then expend vast quantities of time and money in a largely futile attempt to recapture the comforts that you wouldn’t have lost if you hadn’t left home in the first place.” - Bill Bryson

"Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive."— Haruki Murakami

❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣


One of the most fascinating yet challenging things about life is that we have an unlimited ability to learn and renew.

Yet, in contrast, most people tend to gravitate toward a daily choosing what is familiar and select to recreate what is customary to them. This is understandable. But one can consider the possibility that there can be other ways to approach such moments.


Nothing will upset "normal" like the unwelcome experience of losing someone or something precious to us. This is "an experience with impermanence." It may be catastrophic or relatively calm. But when this type of chain of events begins... our way of being "normal" ceases.


The subsequent grief might be described as being involuntarily strapped into a roller coaster ride and being forced to ride until it comes to it's own end. Like at no other moment in our lives - these are the moments that offer the greatest opportunity to allow a major reviewing of our assumptions, to learn and renew... to decide what to keep and what to leave behind. We could think of it as a moment that is navigated by flow.


A few assumptions that we might hold could include:
-- I have control over much of my life
-- I will have a life-long relationship
-- Good things happen to good people
-- God loves me and I know this by the good things that happen
-- Everyone I care about should never die
-- I need to be partnered
-- I need to be a mother or father

I am certain we can all add more to this list. Our collective culture feeds these to us, and we participate in their creation.

Many grieving people, upon first being strapped onto the roller coaster, will want to get off the ride, grasp and cling to all of their favorite assumptions - and frantically try to recreate the former set of conditions while on the roller coaster ride. Depending on the circumstances - one may be able to shut ones eyes and hold ones breath to try mentally to avoid the ride. This is understandable. Yet in the passing of time after the initial loss, one can start to move with the ride, and with each movement comes an opportunity.

Introducing the Idea Of Improvisation

"Improvisation is the art of being completely O.K. with not knowing what the f-- you're doing." - Mick Napier.

In more polite terms, the best improvisers can accept the reality of change even when they have no idea what's going on.

Improvisation is the act of making and creating in response to one's immediate environment and feeling. The invention of new thoughts, practices, methods and things can develop and manifest. New assumptions can be formed. This typically has a function within the creative arts - to acting, music, dance, art... but for our discussion, we will look at improv as a method of dealing with the impermanence in our lives.

Improvisation stands in contrast to those things predetermined, conventional, permanent.
When faced with the work of facing impermanence, improvisation is a great tool to us weather the involuntary cycle after cycle of repeated suffering on the roller coaster.

With insight into impermanence and improvisation, the unchanging self and all it's variant assumptions will begin shift. If all is flow and change, then this might apply to our understanding of our “self” too. Much of our suffering is a result of thirsting after and clinging to bits of the world that disappear - things that we believe will give us "lasting" happiness.

Impermanence is not just about death. Impermanence is every moment. It’s a fundamental understanding from the beginning of the spiritual path all the way to the end. When we see that the nature of all things is impermanence, our attachment to the things around us will modify, and amazingly - our compassion for others will steadily increase. If anything unites us on this planet, it is our collective state of impermanence.

As we grow in loving, we learn to hold that which we love not like a closed fist, but like a relaxed, open hand.

What Might Improv Teach Us About Impermanence?

Forget that most people think of improv performance as comedy. For the purpose of our discussion humor is a mute point. As well, it is not a performance that we are examining either.

What is of interest is to observe that, in the world of improvisational acting or music (such as jazz), creative people are thrust onto stage without a pre-determined script or sheet music. No one knows where the song or story is going or how it will end. This is very similar to our lives.

Improv actors will often employ a set of rules that the team agrees upon to guide them in order to create, in situ, a cohesive narrative. These rules vary in their origin and number. I have selected a few to reflect on here.

Rule of Improv: Say "Yes... and"

Immediately after a loss, it is common for all of us to yell a resounding "NO!" at the situation. This is a normal and common reaction.

Yet, if we stay in this state for an extended time, we miss an opportunity to grow and we continue to suffer with prolonged clinging and anguish.

No one can tell anyone when it is time to move from "NO!" to "Yes... and." But, if you sense in yourself a prolonged suffering and desperation, you might ask yourself if you are still grasping and resisting. If you feel compelled to swiftly replace the lost object of your affection with another, you might ask yourself if you are still grasping and resisting. The choice is yours to make. It is just a thought to consider.

The "Yes" is the acceptance of the reality. We may stay in just "yes" for a good long while. "Yes, he is gone."... "Yes, it is over."... "Yes, I have lost ____."

Eventually, we can move to the "Yes... and". This presents the opportunity to add altogether new information.

An improvised scene or piece of music can't move forward or advance unless we add something new. Something new following a loss can begin with a small new commitment we make - like to a group, or an act of service, or finding ways to honor that which we have lost. For instance, it may start with "Yes, my beloved has died... and... I will go online today and donate $5 to a charity in their name." Because you never donated money to this charity before, you are starting to add something new. The beginnings can be so simple and humble. It may start with "Yes, my beloved has died... and... I will write a little bit about our story." Because you never wrote this story before, you are starting to add something new.

The beginnings can be so simple and humble.

Those that progress over time to "Yes... and" already are manifesting the beginning of an improvised response. They are beginning to move the narrative of their life along.

"Yes... and" will begin to work with our assumptions might begin to look like:

-- "Yes... _______ happened and"... I realize that we have little control over much of our lives
-- "Yes... _______ happened and" ... I had a beautiful relationship. I remain open for other kinds of relationships in my life.
-- "Yes... _______ happened and" ... I know that bad things happen to good people
-- "Yes... _______ happened and" ... I know that God loves me nevertheless

The next entry will cover more rules of improv and how they can help you deal this the impermanence in your life... I want this to be a helpful tool, in no way crippling or judging... let me know your wisdom!!

Love,

Today's Reflections

Death by Wind

As for those who face their death by wind
and call it by the weird name of forgiveness
they alone have the right to marry birds,
and those who stopped themselves from falling down
by holding the wall up or the sink in place
they can go without much shame for they
have lived enough and they can go click, click
if they want to, they can go tok, tok
and they can marry anything, even hummingbirds.

Gerald Stern

Love,

Today's Reflections

Link to a beautiful rendition...

Dust in the Wind...

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground
Though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Ohh...

Now don't hang on
Nothin' lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind (All we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind (Everything is dust in the wind)
Everything is dust in the wind.

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Pat Cain

"Every one of us

is losing something precious to us.

Lost opportunities,

lost possibilities,

feelings we can never get back again.

That’s part of what it means to be alive."

— Haruki Murakami

Today's Reflections

An easy thing, O Power Divine,

To thank Thee for these gifts of Thine,

For summer's sunshine, winter's snow,

For hearts that kindle, thoughts that glow;

But when shall I attain to this -

To thank Thee for the things I miss?

-Thomas Wentworth Higginson

Today's Reflections

A little while ago,

not much more than a few days ago,

I was a child who went about in a world of colors,

of hard and tangible forms.

Everything was mysterious and something was hidden,

guessing what it was was a game for me.

If you knew how terrible it is

to know suddenly,

as if a bolt of lightning elucidated the earth.

Now I live in a painful planet,

transparent as ice;

but it is as if I had learned everything at once in seconds.

- Frida Kahlo

Today's Reflections

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,

As I foretold you, were all spirits and

Are melted into air, into thin air:

And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,

The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,

The solemn temples, the great globe itself,

Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve

And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,

Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff

As dreams are made on, and our little life

Is rounded with a sleep.


- William Shakespeare

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Megan Warren

The Loss of Love

All through an empty place I go,
And find her not in any room;
The candles
and the lamps I light
Go down before a wind of gloom.
Thick-spraddled lies the dust about,
A fit, sad place to write her name
Or draw her face the way she looked
That legendary night she came.

The old house crumbles bit by bit;
Each day I hear the ominous thud
That says another rent is there
For winds to pierce and storms to flood.

My orchards groan and sag with fruit;
Where, Indian-wise, the bees go round;
I let it rot upon the bough;
I eat what falls upon the ground.

The heavy cows go laboring
In agony with clotted teats;
My hands are slack; my blood is cold;
I marvel that my heart still beats.

I have no will to weep or sing,
No least desire to pray or curse;
The loss of love is a terrible thing;
They lie who say that death is worse.

- Countée Cullen

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Tony Goddard


What People Give You

Long-faced irises. Mums.
Pink roses and white roses
and giant sunflowers,
and hundreds of daisies.

Fruit baskets with muscular pears,
and water crackers and tiny jams
and the steady march of casseroles.
And money,
people give money these days.

Cards, of course:
the Madonna, wise
and sad just for you,
Chinese cherry blossoms,
sunsets and moonscapes,
and dragonflies for transcendence.

People stand by your sink
and offer up their pain:
Did you know I lost a baby once,
or My eldest son was killed,
or My mother died two months ago.

People are good.
They file into your cartoon house
until it bows at the seams;
they give you every
blessed
thing,
everything,
except your daughter back.

Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: TreiC


Everyone stop.

Stop all your moving on and just breathe.

Find your grief and your fear and shake hands with them.

What color are they? What shape are they; do they have a texture?

Breathe and feel your grief.

When it is ready to subside, when it has found a place to fit inside the puzzle of all your experiences, it will settle in and we will all be able to stand up straight again.

Of course we will bend a bit,

there will be a different canter to our gaits,

because there is more to carry.

- Melanie Lane

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: David V Moore

In those near-final days I visited you

Filled with elusive theme

Complete as Myth,

Pale as the mist...

When dissipation whispers to the issue of life's stream:

"I shall not tangle you - I shall but sublimate you..."


- Cyprian Norwid

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Elisabeth Ng

i was telling him about her-

how she can still crack a joke
through her tears

how she always says
now how are YOU?
no matter what

how we laugh our butts
off in the midst of chaos

you know what that is
called, don’t you
he asks

its called
embracing the suck

its a military word

alright so it is not the most
flowery of phrases
but it has a certain bite to it

embracing the SUCK

oh yeah
nothing is gonna squash our joy…..

- McCabe Russell

Today's Reflections

We usually think of hope as being grounded in our future

This is "Wishful Hope"

There is another kind of hope, though

One born out of fully remembering our past

We have survived everything in our lives thusfar

We will be able to master this challenge too

Any suffering in the past is a cornerstone for this kind of hope

It is called "Transformative Hope"

-kg

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Paul Wittreich

FINIS

...Having dug out treachery beneath me

I end something of life in ending mecum-vade,

Made up of a hundred pearls threaded

Logically, shed tear into tear.

Halt the pen before... before...

The impatient reader stops.

Quietly I shut my notebook,

like a cell-door - -

*

Similarly, a botanist having his herbarium full

(When from the lowly moss the tiniest petal

Whispers about the deaths of creatures)

and wanting

To sign the frontispiece...

writes...

"mortal."

- Cyprian Kamil Norwid

Today's Reflections

I spent five years of my life being treated for cancer,

but since then I've spent fifteen years

being treated for nothing other

than looking different from everyone else.

It was the pain from that,

from feeling ugly,

that I always viewed as the great tragedy of my life.

The fact that I had cancer

seemed minor in comparison.

-Lucy Grealy

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Chris Piercy

The only reason

we don't open our hearts

and minds

to other people

is that they trigger

confusion in us

that we don't feel brave enough

or sane enough to deal with.

To the degree that we look clearly

and compassionately at ourselves,

we feel confident

and fearless

about looking into someone else's eyes.


-Pema Chodron

Today's Reflections

The one who can be present with us in our hours of grief,

who can tolerate not knowing,

and face with us the reality of our vulnerability,

that is the one

who gives us our best caring.


- Henry Nouwen