A Sensitive Christmas

It went past me so quickly, I almost did not catch it. It was a throw - away phrase.

I was reading about the history of international Christmas caroling (don't ask - I am a geek) and a simple sentence was tucked in amongst all the lighthearted facts about caroling in Greece...

I take a little liberty as I quote the article:

... The candle lighter is the leader of the caroling group... All day he leads the caroling group throughout the city... These carolers have far more consideration for the feelings of their fellow - creatures than English carolers because the candle lighter is always sent on ahead to inquire of the household that they propose to visit if there is mourning in the house...


My reading halted there. This seemed altogether amazing. Could it be that there was, at one moment, a culture that enjoyed the spirit of Christmas - and yet, all the while - demonstrated understanding that the mourning people in their midst needed sensitivity?

I am uncertain as to why or how these Greek people had an unusual level of thoughtfulness for the grieving. Should anyone reading this know the answer, I would love you to comment and tell me.

Those of us that have been grieving over numerous holidays always feel such pressure to conform. Not to ruin everyone's good time. At the very least, not to openly grieve. Yet, here I encountered a hint about a culture that bent low to care for those in grief.

When we are grieving everything burns more hotly, things sound harsher, all of our senses are raw and easily jangled. If you are grieving, know that it might seem like you lost a layer of epidermis.

We no longer have shared cultural responses to death like our ancestors did. But we still need code language to quickly communicate that we need to have our grief taken into consideration. I and many others are trying to begin to build this culture. It starts with being able to express your authentic self, with love, to those in your sphere. When you need to have your feelings taken into consideration over the hype of the holidays, recall that there have been times in human history when the feelings of mourners were taken into consideration, and rest in that knowledge that we are not asking for something that is uncalled for.

I wish you light and life this holiday season.

Love,

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

Rebecca

Rebecca is my oldest friend, we met in school when we were both wearing black mini skirts and she was wearing black lipstick - can you imagine? We were both artsy-theater types in a world of rational and solid folks, so we globbed onto each other. Through many years and various phases we have been tender with each other and tried to outdo each other in embarrassing the other in public! She usually wins. I cry uncle faster than she does!

Rebecca is busy with 3 active and engaging daughters. We live in separate states. But when I think of her, my heart gets all mushy.

I am thankful for Rebecca!

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

Jennifer

Jennifer calls herself a "singing survivor", and that title suits her well. We got to know each other through my friends who both lived with her and loved her music. I remember seeking her performances out in such offbeat venues as Higley's in La Canada. So when I was finally, as an event producer, able to hire musicians, she was on my short list.We had 2 summers to get to know each other better through her playing once a week in the cool of the July and August evenings in the Gardens. And we shared about personal topics and challenges and dreams.

When my beloved passed away I had 2 songs that rattled around in my head for the memorial service and I could hear Jennifer singing them. I was so raw, I did not know if it was rude of me to ask her to perform at his service or not. Sheepishly, I asked her if she would be willing to learn these songs... and she said YES. She blessed me in one of my darkest moments.

Now she is living farther away and has many challenges, but she still is singing and bringing light with her wherever she goes. You can check her out HERE.

I am thankful for Jennifer.

Love,

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

"China"

"China" is a beautiful friend. We met online first, in a young widow's group, and the connections were real and substantial through the wires. When I visited the south for an extended period of time I got to meet her in person. We met at an Ikea, figuring that if the friend chemistry was not good we could shop and go our separate ways at the end. But we spent the entire rest of the day together and even stayed overnight at a hotel just so that we could keep talking later into the evening.

"China" is a feisty, funny and faithful woman. She lost her beloved partner at a young age, as I had. She is forever spiritually curious like I am. And she has a big heart for the underdog, like I do. She is a non-profit diva - just like me. Read about her ministry HERE. Apart from similarities, her car is covered in funny bumper stickers and she wears bright and colorful clothes that betray her enthusiasm for living large.

I am thankful for "China".

Love,

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

When I lost my soul mate to cancer in 2008 there was certainly no way that I could have understood the way my relationships would change over time.

I experienced such acute loneliness from losing my flesh-and-blood connection with Brian. It was akin to having my chest ripped open and all the contents, hot, sticky and precious bursting forth.

Who or what got me through?

Truth is, the question is really wrong unless it is in the present tense. Who or what is GETTING me through. These kinds of processes are life long. No one seems better qualified to tell you this than I. Our processes of grief are such a spiral, not a linear path.

I think WHO is far more important to me than what. I was just reading about the effects of loneliness on our bodies and psyches and it is sobering to understand how much a toll it takes to be without friendship. That is an important part of what my work and calling is about - because grief is a culturally isolating experience. Most people find that a month after a death that their phones stop ringing... people vanish months later when you are really in the sh*tter. The endurance that the long road of grief takes is pretty misunderstood by our culture - where the message is "get over it".

So I celebrate 2 people today in this post... one "old" and one "new"...

WHO - OLD

Samantha






My friend in all things adventurous. We have known each other since the early 90's. Our sense of humor is terse and wacky. She has been so faithful for so many years. We currently are working together intently on a project in Haiti. Post earthquake, things have ramped up as we are trying to fund raise to move the kids to a safe place before the rains come... read about our work HERE. We named the site little iron flowers after a poem which said the beauty of the Haitian people was like little iron flowers.... I think grieving people are like this too - beautiful and tough.

Sam knew after Brian died that I needed counseling for post-traumatic stress and she gave me a platform through which to do it. It was like throwing me a life preserver.

Samantha is moving into manifesting the full measure of her creation. I love being a witness and participant in this.

WHO - NEW

Kathryn Antyr

Katheryn goes by the nickname Collage Diva. I have read her for about half a year now. She is actively sharing her life-source of creativity on her site HERE. I read her, listen to her, enjoy her and find myself on a virtual oxygen machine. I have been a silent observer for a good while and consistently find a good nugget of nourishment in her creative outpouring on her website. Go check her out...

I think I will continue to share along this line for a few days... I am making these posts as tiny, humble "gratitude visits"...


Those with poet mind
will love you quiet and deep
like haiku


Love,

Today's Reflections

Today is a hard day - but in response to being marginalized and being made invisible (literally), I decided to try and reach out farther instead of obeying the instinct to roll up like a rolly polly.

One thing about having your soul mate die - is that the person that saw you no matter what ever else was going on is no longer physically here. I think he sees me still. Call me crazy or whatever. But I do think he sees me. It is just that a safe place is gone. So when I my very existence was made obsolete today, I only had myself and my breathing. And my cat. (Thank God for cats!)

So instead of rolling away, I am walking straight toward whoever will accept my presence. I have opened a new facebook group. It is called Grief and Healing Community. I have a co-admin for the site who is quite a fun Brit. And I hope that it can be a place where people are embraced and are not made invisible.

Easter resurrection is needed. I am reaching out for it.

Love,

Today's Reflections

Today, on my mediation walk:

The unique things about you are what you have to offer to this world... the normal things... well, there are enough of those out there.

Love,

Today's Reflections

Today was a busy day... The website members-area is starting - ever so modestly - to get joiners!

Our members-only area on the website is great for online community-building. I have been involved with an online woman's group that is using this technology and it is really great. Lots of options for dialing it in - you can enjoy or post music, videos, pictures... have a blog, participate in a forum... the members-area is free when you complete a questionnaire.

These are of some of our membership questions when you sign up...

Have you recently experienced a loss?

Have you spent time with someone who has experienced a significant loss?

What systems of personal and emotional support are you using currently?

What systems of personal and emotional support have you used previously?

What is your impression or understanding of yourself at this time in relation to impermanence?

Please describe your most challenging personal experience with impermanence (your own or that of someone close to you), and its effect on you.

Describe your personal experience with grief and your feelings about the grieving process.

We are a fledgling group, with lots of room for input, suggestions and making your own little niche... Consider toddling over to the website, clicking "sign up" and join us!

WEBSITE

Today's Reflections

Link to a beautiful rendition...

Dust in the Wind...

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground
Though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Ohh...

Now don't hang on
Nothin' lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind (All we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind (Everything is dust in the wind)
Everything is dust in the wind.

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Pat Cain

"Every one of us

is losing something precious to us.

Lost opportunities,

lost possibilities,

feelings we can never get back again.

That’s part of what it means to be alive."

— Haruki Murakami

Today's Reflections

I spent five years of my life being treated for cancer,

but since then I've spent fifteen years

being treated for nothing other

than looking different from everyone else.

It was the pain from that,

from feeling ugly,

that I always viewed as the great tragedy of my life.

The fact that I had cancer

seemed minor in comparison.

-Lucy Grealy