Improvisation and Loss Part One

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“What an odd thing tourism is. You fly off to a strange land, eagerly abandoning all the comforts of home, and then expend vast quantities of time and money in a largely futile attempt to recapture the comforts that you wouldn’t have lost if you hadn’t left home in the first place.” - Bill Bryson

"Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive."— Haruki Murakami

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One of the most fascinating yet challenging things about life is that we have an unlimited ability to learn and renew.

Yet, in contrast, most people tend to gravitate toward a daily choosing what is familiar and select to recreate what is customary to them. This is understandable. But one can consider the possibility that there can be other ways to approach such moments.


Nothing will upset "normal" like the unwelcome experience of losing someone or something precious to us. This is "an experience with impermanence." It may be catastrophic or relatively calm. But when this type of chain of events begins... our way of being "normal" ceases.


The subsequent grief might be described as being involuntarily strapped into a roller coaster ride and being forced to ride until it comes to it's own end. Like at no other moment in our lives - these are the moments that offer the greatest opportunity to allow a major reviewing of our assumptions, to learn and renew... to decide what to keep and what to leave behind. We could think of it as a moment that is navigated by flow.


A few assumptions that we might hold could include:
-- I have control over much of my life
-- I will have a life-long relationship
-- Good things happen to good people
-- God loves me and I know this by the good things that happen
-- Everyone I care about should never die
-- I need to be partnered
-- I need to be a mother or father

I am certain we can all add more to this list. Our collective culture feeds these to us, and we participate in their creation.

Many grieving people, upon first being strapped onto the roller coaster, will want to get off the ride, grasp and cling to all of their favorite assumptions - and frantically try to recreate the former set of conditions while on the roller coaster ride. Depending on the circumstances - one may be able to shut ones eyes and hold ones breath to try mentally to avoid the ride. This is understandable. Yet in the passing of time after the initial loss, one can start to move with the ride, and with each movement comes an opportunity.

Introducing the Idea Of Improvisation

"Improvisation is the art of being completely O.K. with not knowing what the f-- you're doing." - Mick Napier.

In more polite terms, the best improvisers can accept the reality of change even when they have no idea what's going on.

Improvisation is the act of making and creating in response to one's immediate environment and feeling. The invention of new thoughts, practices, methods and things can develop and manifest. New assumptions can be formed. This typically has a function within the creative arts - to acting, music, dance, art... but for our discussion, we will look at improv as a method of dealing with the impermanence in our lives.

Improvisation stands in contrast to those things predetermined, conventional, permanent.
When faced with the work of facing impermanence, improvisation is a great tool to us weather the involuntary cycle after cycle of repeated suffering on the roller coaster.

With insight into impermanence and improvisation, the unchanging self and all it's variant assumptions will begin shift. If all is flow and change, then this might apply to our understanding of our “self” too. Much of our suffering is a result of thirsting after and clinging to bits of the world that disappear - things that we believe will give us "lasting" happiness.

Impermanence is not just about death. Impermanence is every moment. It’s a fundamental understanding from the beginning of the spiritual path all the way to the end. When we see that the nature of all things is impermanence, our attachment to the things around us will modify, and amazingly - our compassion for others will steadily increase. If anything unites us on this planet, it is our collective state of impermanence.

As we grow in loving, we learn to hold that which we love not like a closed fist, but like a relaxed, open hand.

What Might Improv Teach Us About Impermanence?

Forget that most people think of improv performance as comedy. For the purpose of our discussion humor is a mute point. As well, it is not a performance that we are examining either.

What is of interest is to observe that, in the world of improvisational acting or music (such as jazz), creative people are thrust onto stage without a pre-determined script or sheet music. No one knows where the song or story is going or how it will end. This is very similar to our lives.

Improv actors will often employ a set of rules that the team agrees upon to guide them in order to create, in situ, a cohesive narrative. These rules vary in their origin and number. I have selected a few to reflect on here.

Rule of Improv: Say "Yes... and"

Immediately after a loss, it is common for all of us to yell a resounding "NO!" at the situation. This is a normal and common reaction.

Yet, if we stay in this state for an extended time, we miss an opportunity to grow and we continue to suffer with prolonged clinging and anguish.

No one can tell anyone when it is time to move from "NO!" to "Yes... and." But, if you sense in yourself a prolonged suffering and desperation, you might ask yourself if you are still grasping and resisting. If you feel compelled to swiftly replace the lost object of your affection with another, you might ask yourself if you are still grasping and resisting. The choice is yours to make. It is just a thought to consider.

The "Yes" is the acceptance of the reality. We may stay in just "yes" for a good long while. "Yes, he is gone."... "Yes, it is over."... "Yes, I have lost ____."

Eventually, we can move to the "Yes... and". This presents the opportunity to add altogether new information.

An improvised scene or piece of music can't move forward or advance unless we add something new. Something new following a loss can begin with a small new commitment we make - like to a group, or an act of service, or finding ways to honor that which we have lost. For instance, it may start with "Yes, my beloved has died... and... I will go online today and donate $5 to a charity in their name." Because you never donated money to this charity before, you are starting to add something new. The beginnings can be so simple and humble. It may start with "Yes, my beloved has died... and... I will write a little bit about our story." Because you never wrote this story before, you are starting to add something new.

The beginnings can be so simple and humble.

Those that progress over time to "Yes... and" already are manifesting the beginning of an improvised response. They are beginning to move the narrative of their life along.

"Yes... and" will begin to work with our assumptions might begin to look like:

-- "Yes... _______ happened and"... I realize that we have little control over much of our lives
-- "Yes... _______ happened and" ... I had a beautiful relationship. I remain open for other kinds of relationships in my life.
-- "Yes... _______ happened and" ... I know that bad things happen to good people
-- "Yes... _______ happened and" ... I know that God loves me nevertheless

The next entry will cover more rules of improv and how they can help you deal this the impermanence in your life... I want this to be a helpful tool, in no way crippling or judging... let me know your wisdom!!

Love,

KIDS EXPRESS

The Talking Stick is a tool used in many First Peoples Traditions when a council is called. When a council member holds a Talking Stick, it is believed that their words convey their Sacred Point of View.

When a group is formed the Stick is passed from person to person as they speak and no one will speak unless they are holding the Stick. Everyone is to listen closely to the words being spoken, and when their turn comes, they receive the same courtesy. The idea is to allow everyone time to state their Sacred Point of View.

Sometimes getting kids to talk is tricky. I know - I am an introvert and I really needed lots of room to talk when I was younger. My chatty sibling usually left me with no room to voice my thoughts or feelings.


Things like this introduce a new vibe and can be seen as a fun social experiment, thus luring us introverts out of our quietness...

It is fun when you plan to have an outing, go camping, or some other change of venue to make and use a talking stick - around a campfire is particularly powerful. We were discussing summer camping plans today, which got me thinking of the talking stick.

Kids can really get into making a stick and it gives you opportunity to discuss the skill of listening and talking.
You will need:
A stick - nice, sturdy size
Ribbon or yarn
Paint - acrylic is good
Paintbrushes
Beads ( optional - I did not have any!)
Feathers
Scissors
Stuff to clean up with

Instructions:

Paint the top portion of your stick

Wrap yarn or ribbon around your stick, tying it at either end to secure in place.

Tie some feathers onto yarn or ribbon strands and tie to the stick around the top. Pretty simple - and a great stimulant for conversation!

Love,

Today's Reflections

A little while ago,

not much more than a few days ago,

I was a child who went about in a world of colors,

of hard and tangible forms.

Everything was mysterious and something was hidden,

guessing what it was was a game for me.

If you knew how terrible it is

to know suddenly,

as if a bolt of lightning elucidated the earth.

Now I live in a painful planet,

transparent as ice;

but it is as if I had learned everything at once in seconds.

- Frida Kahlo

Today's Reflections

A woman

who lives longer than her husband

is called a widow,

a man without his wife

a widower.

A child

without parents

is an orphan.

But what do you call the father and mother of a child who has died?



This is a part of our work at Alive and Mortal. Creating words and phrases in community as an act of advocacy. Join us....

Today's Reflections

In 1596, while writing the history play King John, Shakespeare's 11 year old son, Hamnet, died of the plague. Shakespeare's grief can be seen in the play in the words of Constance, mother of Prince Arthur, who, believing him to be dead says;

"Grief fills the room up of my absent child.

Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me.

Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words.

Remembers me of all his gracious parts.

Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form.

Then, have I reason to be fond of grief".

Constance then exits, and is seen no more.

Today's Reflections

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations.

All wise men got puzzled by King's request. One answer for all question? Something that works everywhere, in every situation? In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory?

They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appeal to all of them. They went to king and gave him something written on paper. But the condition was that king was not to see it - only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King put the papers under his diamond ring.

After a few days, enemy neighbors attacked the Kingdom. The King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. King had to flee on his horse. His horse took him far away in Jungle. He could hear many troops of horses were following him and the noise was coming closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing in the end of the road. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped, he would be finished. King became restless. There seemed to be no way.

Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was very small but very great.

The message was - " This too will pass."

The King read it. Again read it. Suddenly he understood - Yes! Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom and all pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. However when those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. A calm come on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom. The revelation of message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forget about those following him. After a few minute he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were not on that path.

The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regain his lost empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fan fare at the door. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being thrown on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said to himself,"I am one of the bravest and greatest King. It is not easy to defeat me." With all the reception and celebration an ego emerged in him.

Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He open it and read it again: "This too will pass."

And, he became silent.

Today's Reflections

Mourn Not

The Barren Fields

Nor Open Green

That Sits Silent

Today's Reflections

Some days

I buckle under the weight

of all the dark forces

that hold dominion

on the widow and orphan.


Some days

I feel the downward vortex

of the stillborn one

and the empty bassinet.

Aching for a way-shower.

A guide to show me how to get

OUT.


And then

I rise.

Somehow.

I honestly cannot tell you how.

It rises within like a surge of firey pain

that cries out to love life

and be fruitful.



On Tuesday

I told the woman that my favorite word was

"nevertheless".


Love,

Today's Reflections

part 1

you were weightier than my expectation.

heavier.

perhaps you were trying to press me

that I not muddy the occasion of receiving you

in a haze of my own dark hiding.

you weighed me down

and smelled faintly of fear.

I could not imagine you a person at such a scale.

I could hold you like an infant - you were that small now.

but oh, your cremation taught me that your soul-

it was much larger than the cosmos.

I saw you flying and you left a vapour trail in your wake.


part 2


I knew you wanted to be set free

but the rumbling of a distant family war cry delayed me.

only I knew and held your final wishes in my heart.

like a woman fighting off tigers...

they came for you.

to dishonor you.

the irony was I fought for you

only to ultimately release you.

even I did not have right to possess you.

you slipped through my fingers

and vanished for evermore.

-kg

Today's Reflections

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Tiny Wishes Wand of the Month Club

The idea: Grief takes longer than most people realize.

So, it seemed good to offer an "of the month club" for those hurting to get ongoing parcels of encouragement.

This is a subscription service by which you remember someone every month. Or you can subscribe for yourself. I will take it as a sacred responsibility to prepare and send out a token of your ongoing support and love.

It is all about thriving in impermanence!




Love,

Today's Reflections

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,

As I foretold you, were all spirits and

Are melted into air, into thin air:

And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,

The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,

The solemn temples, the great globe itself,

Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve

And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,

Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff

As dreams are made on, and our little life

Is rounded with a sleep.


- William Shakespeare

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Megan Warren

The Loss of Love

All through an empty place I go,
And find her not in any room;
The candles
and the lamps I light
Go down before a wind of gloom.
Thick-spraddled lies the dust about,
A fit, sad place to write her name
Or draw her face the way she looked
That legendary night she came.

The old house crumbles bit by bit;
Each day I hear the ominous thud
That says another rent is there
For winds to pierce and storms to flood.

My orchards groan and sag with fruit;
Where, Indian-wise, the bees go round;
I let it rot upon the bough;
I eat what falls upon the ground.

The heavy cows go laboring
In agony with clotted teats;
My hands are slack; my blood is cold;
I marvel that my heart still beats.

I have no will to weep or sing,
No least desire to pray or curse;
The loss of love is a terrible thing;
They lie who say that death is worse.

- Countée Cullen

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Tony Goddard


What People Give You

Long-faced irises. Mums.
Pink roses and white roses
and giant sunflowers,
and hundreds of daisies.

Fruit baskets with muscular pears,
and water crackers and tiny jams
and the steady march of casseroles.
And money,
people give money these days.

Cards, of course:
the Madonna, wise
and sad just for you,
Chinese cherry blossoms,
sunsets and moonscapes,
and dragonflies for transcendence.

People stand by your sink
and offer up their pain:
Did you know I lost a baby once,
or My eldest son was killed,
or My mother died two months ago.

People are good.
They file into your cartoon house
until it bows at the seams;
they give you every
blessed
thing,
everything,
except your daughter back.

Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: TreiC


Everyone stop.

Stop all your moving on and just breathe.

Find your grief and your fear and shake hands with them.

What color are they? What shape are they; do they have a texture?

Breathe and feel your grief.

When it is ready to subside, when it has found a place to fit inside the puzzle of all your experiences, it will settle in and we will all be able to stand up straight again.

Of course we will bend a bit,

there will be a different canter to our gaits,

because there is more to carry.

- Melanie Lane

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: David V Moore

In those near-final days I visited you

Filled with elusive theme

Complete as Myth,

Pale as the mist...

When dissipation whispers to the issue of life's stream:

"I shall not tangle you - I shall but sublimate you..."


- Cyprian Norwid

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Elisabeth Ng

i was telling him about her-

how she can still crack a joke
through her tears

how she always says
now how are YOU?
no matter what

how we laugh our butts
off in the midst of chaos

you know what that is
called, don’t you
he asks

its called
embracing the suck

its a military word

alright so it is not the most
flowery of phrases
but it has a certain bite to it

embracing the SUCK

oh yeah
nothing is gonna squash our joy…..

- McCabe Russell

Today's Reflections

We usually think of hope as being grounded in our future

This is "Wishful Hope"

There is another kind of hope, though

One born out of fully remembering our past

We have survived everything in our lives thusfar

We will be able to master this challenge too

Any suffering in the past is a cornerstone for this kind of hope

It is called "Transformative Hope"

-kg

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Paul Wittreich

FINIS

...Having dug out treachery beneath me

I end something of life in ending mecum-vade,

Made up of a hundred pearls threaded

Logically, shed tear into tear.

Halt the pen before... before...

The impatient reader stops.

Quietly I shut my notebook,

like a cell-door - -

*

Similarly, a botanist having his herbarium full

(When from the lowly moss the tiniest petal

Whispers about the deaths of creatures)

and wanting

To sign the frontispiece...

writes...

"mortal."

- Cyprian Kamil Norwid

Today's Reflections

I spent five years of my life being treated for cancer,

but since then I've spent fifteen years

being treated for nothing other

than looking different from everyone else.

It was the pain from that,

from feeling ugly,

that I always viewed as the great tragedy of my life.

The fact that I had cancer

seemed minor in comparison.

-Lucy Grealy

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Art & Archeology Dot Com


Psychopomps:

(from the Greek word ψυχοπομπός (psychopompos), literally meaning the "guide of souls")

are creatures, spirits, angels, or deities in many religions

whose responsibility is to escort newly-deceased souls to the afterlife.

Their role is not to judge the deceased, but simply provide safe passage.

Frequently depicted on funerary art,

psychopomps have been associated at different times and in different cultures with:

horses, whip-poor-wills, ravens, dogs, crows, owls, sparrows, cuckoos, harts and yamatoots.

(Credit: Google)