You Are Breathing For Two Now

When someone has died they are no longer breathing. Breath is, indeed, the source of life.

It is not suprising that breath becomes challenging with grief. Our empathy with our beloved's absence of breath may effect our breath on some primitive level. It worked that way for me. Since Brian died, I have struggled with my breath.

I have been observing that breath is critical skill to work with in my grief. 

I decided that, like the old proverb of saying "you are eating for two" when you are pregnant, that I'm saying that "I am breathing for two now" - for myself and for Brian who cannot breathe any more.

I want to encourage all grieving people to breathe better.

Understand, first, the mechanics:

Imagine the diaphragm as a large, sheet that lies underneath the lungs. It works like a bellow that stokes a fire, expanding with the intake of air (inhale) and expelling air (exhale). The inhale expands the abdomen, moving the diaphragm down and massaging the abdominal organs; while the exhale contracts the abdomen, moving the diaphragm up and massaging the heart.
 
Grief can cause two results in our breathing - one is shallow breath where a lack of oxygen is very hard on the body - it can result in a low level of vitality and our lack of oxygenated blood contributes to anxiety states, depression and fatigue. The other result is feeling like you are not getting enough air - no matter how hard one is breathing. This has been called "chronic breathing" or "over-breathing" can contribute to feelings of anxiety, panic and fear.
 
To see where you are with your breath, find a time when you are alone for about 10 minutes. Count your breaths for 1 minute. Our breath is healthy at 6 to 10 breaths a minute. Are you breathing fast or slow? Observe the movement of your chest and abdomen as you breathe. When your chest moves more than your abdomen you are over-breathing.

The Autonomic Nervous System is deeply affected by breath. 

Stretch the neck muscles to aid your breathing practice. Slowly move your left ear to your left shoulder while keeping the spine straight. Extend your right arm down reaching your fingers toward the floor. Switch sides. Practice breathing as you perform this exercise.

Now, sit comfortably and place your hands on your chest, thumbs inside the armpits, middle fingers touching at the chest's center. The middle fingers should move slightly apart upon inhale. Exaggerate that movement by deep inhales for two or three minutes at a time. 

You might visualize liquid being poured into a glass, you will imagine the bottom (diaphragm) gets full first, taking time in pouring, into the middle of the glass (lower lungs) all the way up to the top (upper lungs). 

There are three steps to full breathing: Inhalation (to a count of four); Retention/Holding (to a count of four); and Exhalation (to a count of eight). 

Breathe through the nose. This warm air helps the body use more oxygen.

Our culture is focused with holding on and the act of surrender is often a difficult one. Good breath has a sense of taking in and letting go.
  
Love, 
Kim

Comparison

I have been thinking a lot about "comparing." There is a lot of talk about the pitfalls of comparing among grieving people.

One might lose multiple loved ones in the same event, another has a partner of 40 years that they lose over a protracted period of time. Another may have had numerous miscarriages while her neighbor had to make decisions about life support. It is such a mish-mosh of experiences that we address when we talk with grieving people. When you get together people wanting to deal with their losses, it can invite comparisons.

I do see some dangers in comparisons. How it is so limiting of our awareness. How it side-steps the universal nature of our pain when we lose a beloved mortal. How our weakness makes us grasp for more manageable bite-sized data. She has this. I have that. At least I did not have this. My pain is worse than yours. Your pain is worse than mine.

There is a nuanced use of comparison that may not be all bad, however.

After an earthquake, there comes a time in the great loss for a village - the clean up - where one inevitably starts an inventory. You almost have to start assessing what in your village is gone, damaged but repairable and what is salvaged, what injuries to flesh and bone you must nurse. Sometimes you look up and around and see that another village is left standing, another is partially down, another is leveled... and so forth. There is a helpful aspect of doing an inventory. It assists you in gaining bearings, figuring out the work to be done, making decisions to rebuild here or move there. If you have a spell of jealously it may not be so bad if you do not get stuck there. Sometimes you are given a gift of knowing a suffering you are spared from.

It seems to me that in the process of re-building a meaningful existence somehow involves an inventory. Maybe the trick is to keep your eyes largely on your own village and not to get caught up in wanting to raid someone else's village.

Even jealousy can be a messenger. It can inform us of our most passionate work to address. When I feel jealous, it is more about me, my longings, my unfulfilled places that I need to work with - than it is about them and what they seem to possess.

In the end - about rebuilding - these are my thoughts...

Our bonds to others represent our longing for meaning. You may find comparing yourself to someone that has something that you have lost to be like battery acid in your soul. You may find that feeling jealous over another person's grace in their loss to be damning.

The love and bond that you have for the departed can be a painful, searing messenger. The pain and longing inform you of your future path. As long as there are others still on the planet, there are new people that need your love and affection, and hence, the opportunity for this kind of meaning still exists. It may not appear like your original vision. But if you have love and can share it, you are on your way.

Love, Kim

Compassion Fatigue In Peer Grief Support

Compassion fatigue is a term often applied to medical personnel providing support to those facing traumatic circumstances. This powerful term can be applied to numerous alternate settings. The setting that I would like to apply it to is the act of peer care-giving for the bereaved.


There can be tremendous or hidden stress as a result of being engaged and involved with traumatized and grieving people.

My aim is to help those who would like to develop endurance as peers in grief to create practical conditions to sustain an even level of support.



First, know that what you do as a peer in supporting grieving people is very important. Peer support can, merely by virtue of what it is, be an important mainstay of a bereaved person's lifeline.

That said, it is important to understand that perhaps the most powerful thing you do is the most simple thing that you do. When you provide a compassionate witness to a person and their story, you have done a significant thing. If all you do is arrive, witness a person's expression and affirm it with compassionate attention, you have done an excellent job.

Your personal tolerance for grief and endurance for sadness may vary from the next person's. As well, people vary in their tolerance for a wide variety and range of sad and disturbing information. It is important for you to know when the exposure has been too difficult or disturbing for you and notice your stress response as a signal that you need a bit of psychological distance or a break from active peer grief support.

Compassionate care of the grieving is best done when your own self-care is maintained. There are many good techniques out there that can help you keep your self-care in balance so that you can recover from exhaustion or burn out in shorter time.
One system is called the BREADS system. The word BREADS provides a way to remember several concepts. There are two parts for each letter, one physical and one mental.

The twelve parts of the BREADS system are:

B
Breath (from your diaphragm)                  
Nurture your Belief system 

R
Practice Relaxation techniques daily        
Nurture mutual Relationships

E
Exercise 
Educate yourself re: stress

A
Monitor your Attitudes
Lead an Active lifestyle 

D
Eat a healthy Diet 
Determine that you'll be resilient 

S
Sleep well every night
Nurture your Serenity

Another system is H.A.L.T. , which is an excellent tool as well. The idea is to ask yourself the HALT question... Am I

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

?

If I am, then I need to HALT and take care of these factors before I continue any outpouring of compassionate care toward another.

The most powerful thing we offer those in pain is grounded presence and witness. We needn't have expert advice. We need not fully understand every nuance to a person's particular grief.

If we stand with the grieving and are mindfully present to them in a moment of agony, we have been all of what another normal human needs when they are heavy with grief. And the more self-care you mingle with the care of others, the more likely you are to find years of meaningful service to your peers in grief.

PS: I forgot to mention this, but central to my own focus of bereavement support is a belief that it is a privilege and an honor to enter into this sacred moment with another person. I become a richer human being for my contact and connection with a bereaved person. In this way, I enter - not as an expert or a leader - but a compassionate presence and a learner. I will often say things like, "Tell me about your beloved..." - or - "Tell me about your loss..." and allow the person to dictate where our conversation goes. Their story has power and I serve as a witness to their story. In a world that does not listen, much less listen to the bereaved, I believe that this is a powerful gift to share.

Love,
Kim

Funerals and Memorial Services are not CLOSURE, they mark the beginning...

I have been reflecting on the topic of ritual. Many things might be said, but where my mind was lingering - is that rituals are typically thought of as a signal of the beginning of something.

A christening. A marriage. An ordination. A graduation ceremony - although it marks the end of a school cycle - it is really is more about looking forward and preparing for the next step. Think about the commencement speech. Though it might have a sentimental quality... it's typical focus is the future... Even handshakes and the greeting "How are you?" are a ritualistic way that we begin to encounter one another. Retirement parties are not called "Ending Work" parties - the name signals actually what the next step is - retirement. Usually the person retiring will fill in party-goers on their plans for retirement.

And, usually with these beginnings, the ritual signals the community to be more aware of these individuals... we want to offer them more support in this new phase of existence. Support for the new couple, the new parents, the new graduate.

The only ritual I can think of that the common culture uses with the conception of it marking an "end" of something - is a funeral or memorial service.

Which causes me to reflect on this difference and ask some questions.

For those with a casual relationship to the departed or their family, the funeral or memorial may, indeed, seem like an ending. A closure. Something that has finished. They might attend the ceremony, feel like the process is complete and go on about the rest of their lives.

But for those who are intimately touched by the loss - the funeral or memorial are really just a beginning.

Perhaps we can shift the societal view of funerals and memorials. Maybe we can conceive of it as a different kind of beginning.

It certainly marks the beginning of grief, or a new phase of grief. It is certainly a shift in some people from anticipatory grief to literal grief.


For those intimately effected, on a practical level, it is the beginning of a new set of personal challenges. Re-forming your life's contours. Setting an amended course, perhaps being adrift for a time. Numbness to be followed by acute agony and pain in missing the departed.

But even deeper, it may mark the beginning of a dialogue. A conversation with self, the universe, God or the departed. Maybe it is the beginning of a conversation about ultimate meaning. About the "why" of death. About what makes the little time we have on earth of value.

I would suggest that those who officiate these ceremonies - clergy, rabbis, officiants - need to consider what we do when we lead these services. While looking back at the life of the departed is a good and fitting part of the ceremony and something that certainly everyone wants - looking forward toward the hard days ahead for those who are deeply grieving should be included in homilies, sermons and speeches. We need to be truth-bearers to tell a rather uniformed world that this is not closure, it is just the beginning of a long - sometimes complex - conversation between the intimates of the departed and the emotions and personal circumstances they now find themselves in.

We need to let people know that the funeral or memorial does not give the grieving intimates of the deceased "closure."

It is a beginning. A BEGINNING that signals a need for long-term support.

Love,

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

Rebecca

Rebecca is my oldest friend, we met in school when we were both wearing black mini skirts and she was wearing black lipstick - can you imagine? We were both artsy-theater types in a world of rational and solid folks, so we globbed onto each other. Through many years and various phases we have been tender with each other and tried to outdo each other in embarrassing the other in public! She usually wins. I cry uncle faster than she does!

Rebecca is busy with 3 active and engaging daughters. We live in separate states. But when I think of her, my heart gets all mushy.

I am thankful for Rebecca!

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

Jennifer

Jennifer calls herself a "singing survivor", and that title suits her well. We got to know each other through my friends who both lived with her and loved her music. I remember seeking her performances out in such offbeat venues as Higley's in La Canada. So when I was finally, as an event producer, able to hire musicians, she was on my short list.We had 2 summers to get to know each other better through her playing once a week in the cool of the July and August evenings in the Gardens. And we shared about personal topics and challenges and dreams.

When my beloved passed away I had 2 songs that rattled around in my head for the memorial service and I could hear Jennifer singing them. I was so raw, I did not know if it was rude of me to ask her to perform at his service or not. Sheepishly, I asked her if she would be willing to learn these songs... and she said YES. She blessed me in one of my darkest moments.

Now she is living farther away and has many challenges, but she still is singing and bringing light with her wherever she goes. You can check her out HERE.

I am thankful for Jennifer.

Love,

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

"China"

"China" is a beautiful friend. We met online first, in a young widow's group, and the connections were real and substantial through the wires. When I visited the south for an extended period of time I got to meet her in person. We met at an Ikea, figuring that if the friend chemistry was not good we could shop and go our separate ways at the end. But we spent the entire rest of the day together and even stayed overnight at a hotel just so that we could keep talking later into the evening.

"China" is a feisty, funny and faithful woman. She lost her beloved partner at a young age, as I had. She is forever spiritually curious like I am. And she has a big heart for the underdog, like I do. She is a non-profit diva - just like me. Read about her ministry HERE. Apart from similarities, her car is covered in funny bumper stickers and she wears bright and colorful clothes that betray her enthusiasm for living large.

I am thankful for "China".

Love,

Gratitude Posts - Friendships

When I lost my soul mate to cancer in 2008 there was certainly no way that I could have understood the way my relationships would change over time.

I experienced such acute loneliness from losing my flesh-and-blood connection with Brian. It was akin to having my chest ripped open and all the contents, hot, sticky and precious bursting forth.

Who or what got me through?

Truth is, the question is really wrong unless it is in the present tense. Who or what is GETTING me through. These kinds of processes are life long. No one seems better qualified to tell you this than I. Our processes of grief are such a spiral, not a linear path.

I think WHO is far more important to me than what. I was just reading about the effects of loneliness on our bodies and psyches and it is sobering to understand how much a toll it takes to be without friendship. That is an important part of what my work and calling is about - because grief is a culturally isolating experience. Most people find that a month after a death that their phones stop ringing... people vanish months later when you are really in the sh*tter. The endurance that the long road of grief takes is pretty misunderstood by our culture - where the message is "get over it".

So I celebrate 2 people today in this post... one "old" and one "new"...

WHO - OLD

Samantha






My friend in all things adventurous. We have known each other since the early 90's. Our sense of humor is terse and wacky. She has been so faithful for so many years. We currently are working together intently on a project in Haiti. Post earthquake, things have ramped up as we are trying to fund raise to move the kids to a safe place before the rains come... read about our work HERE. We named the site little iron flowers after a poem which said the beauty of the Haitian people was like little iron flowers.... I think grieving people are like this too - beautiful and tough.

Sam knew after Brian died that I needed counseling for post-traumatic stress and she gave me a platform through which to do it. It was like throwing me a life preserver.

Samantha is moving into manifesting the full measure of her creation. I love being a witness and participant in this.

WHO - NEW

Kathryn Antyr

Katheryn goes by the nickname Collage Diva. I have read her for about half a year now. She is actively sharing her life-source of creativity on her site HERE. I read her, listen to her, enjoy her and find myself on a virtual oxygen machine. I have been a silent observer for a good while and consistently find a good nugget of nourishment in her creative outpouring on her website. Go check her out...

I think I will continue to share along this line for a few days... I am making these posts as tiny, humble "gratitude visits"...


Those with poet mind
will love you quiet and deep
like haiku


Love,

Today's Reflections

Today was a busy day... The website members-area is starting - ever so modestly - to get joiners!

Our members-only area on the website is great for online community-building. I have been involved with an online woman's group that is using this technology and it is really great. Lots of options for dialing it in - you can enjoy or post music, videos, pictures... have a blog, participate in a forum... the members-area is free when you complete a questionnaire.

These are of some of our membership questions when you sign up...

Have you recently experienced a loss?

Have you spent time with someone who has experienced a significant loss?

What systems of personal and emotional support are you using currently?

What systems of personal and emotional support have you used previously?

What is your impression or understanding of yourself at this time in relation to impermanence?

Please describe your most challenging personal experience with impermanence (your own or that of someone close to you), and its effect on you.

Describe your personal experience with grief and your feelings about the grieving process.

We are a fledgling group, with lots of room for input, suggestions and making your own little niche... Consider toddling over to the website, clicking "sign up" and join us!

WEBSITE

Today's Reflections

The one who can be present with us in our hours of grief,

who can tolerate not knowing,

and face with us the reality of our vulnerability,

that is the one

who gives us our best caring.


- Henry Nouwen

Today's Reflections

Image Credit: Block Party Press

Sympathy is a sacred, precious

And God-given gift.

Do not waste it

On your doubting mind

And your unaspiring heart.

Sympathy is the revelation of God-Heart in us.

-- Sri Chinmoy