The word prejudice comes from the latin "prejudicium", meaning "injustice"... acting less kind toward another. This can be due to emerging negative feelings, unsubstantiated fear, negative thoughts and an impulse for correction and change.
If every human fears death, then prejudice toward the dying and the grieving could logically follow. Anthropologists see this in all cultures, even our modern western world. Scientists believe the fear of death is present behind our normal functioning for self-preservation. The terror of death is repressed because we'd fail to function with a constant fear of death in our face. Ernest Becker was a cultural anthropologist who explained death neurosis to be rooted in “the failure to be consoled by shared illusions”. Death loss and grief, indeed, has a way of shattering our shared illusions.
Dying, death and grief are seen as PROBLEMS in our society, rather than seeing our RESPONSES to dying, death and grief as the problem.
Becker’s theory is that we unconsciously work to keep our underlying instinctive fear of death from coming too forcefully into focal awareness. When it punches through the illusions we hold dear, it creates anxiety and this is taken out on people around us.
Therefore asking questions of oneself is a helpful exercise in understanding your own death fears and consequential prejudices.
Nestled within the topic of death is a sneaky aspect, described as "benevolent prejudice". Fear may also result in pity, marginalization or patronization.
For this discussion, we will use a graded distancing scale to determine the amount of fear projection, avoidance and aggression you may have toward death and grief. Self-examination - taking a honest look at how you behave, think and feel toward others - is a good starting point.
Begin by asking yourself a few questions, such as who is in your circle? Who are your friends? Who are your colleagues? At gatherings, with whom do you engage, and who do you avoid? If you're a manager at work, whom do you recruit, hire, coach and promote?
Are any of these individuals with a terminal diagnosis? Are any of these individuals elderly? Are any of these individuals grieving a major loss?
Are you able to have conversations about death, loss and grief with family and/or friends?
NEXT, TEST YOURSELF
Select your answer and add up points based on the number of the answer you chose - i.e.: choosing answer (3) = 3 points, (7) = 7 points, and so forth.
Someone you met is quite elderly and seems very cheerful. What would you be open to?
(1) I would avoid them, I do not know what to say (2) I would have them as an acquaintance, keeping it light, (3) I would be open to having them as a friend, (4) I would invite them to my home, (5) I would have them over and introduce them to my friends, (6) I would be open to visiting them once where they live, (7) I would be open to visiting them repeatedly.
Someone you met is pleasant, young and has just received a terminal diagnosis with unknown years of life remaining. What would you be open to?
(1) I would avoid them, I do not know what to say (2) I would have them as an acquaintance, keeping it light, (3) I would be open to having them as a friend, (4) I would invite them to my home, (5) I would have them over and introduce them to my friends, (6) I would be open to visiting them once or twice if they enter hospice, (7) I would be open to visiting them repeatedly if they enter hospice.
Someone you like in your workplace, class or neighborhood has had a death of a family member. What would you be open to?
(1) I would avoid them, I do not know what to say (2) I would have them as an acquaintance, keeping it light, (3) I would be open to having them as a friend, (4) I would invite them to my home, (5) I would have them over and introduce them to my friends, (6) I would be open to visiting them once in their home, (7) I would be open to visiting them repeatedly in their home.
Someone you like in your workplace, class or neighborhood is openly talking about a loved one who recently died. What would you likely think?
(1) It is better to put painful things out of your mind, (2) Individuals should leave this discussion at home, (3) It is best to go on with your life, talking about the dead person keeps you stuck in the past, (4) Talking about the person who died only makes your grief worse, (5) I need to give some advice to make the griever feel better, (6) It is good to just talk about the deceased a little. (7) It is okay to talk about the deceased when the griever needs to, (8) I can learn and grow from talking with the griever about their experience.
A high-achieving person at your place of employment has asked to be on a training course, and you happen to know that they have a terminal diagnosis with unknown years of life remaining. What would you likely think?
(1)Their request is selfish, (2) It is better for the company to put money toward another promising individual, (3) The company needs to do so to avoid litigation, (4) This is only good for the employee, (5) It is okay for the company and good for the employee, (6) It is good for the company as well as for the employee.
A grieving person who you like treats you rudely, when they normally are polite. How do you respond?
(1) It is the end of our friendship, I do not care that they are grieving, (2) Maybe they need counseling, (3) Maybe they need medication, (4) I will avoid them for a couple months until they feel better, (5) It is good that they can let off steam with me, but I hope that it never happens again, (6) I can learn and grow from experiencing this with them, we can talk about it and we could be closer for it.
Someone you like in your workplace, class or neighborhood has had a death in their immediate family. What would you likely think?
(1) Grievers want to be left alone, (2) Family members are better help to each other, (3) It is only a matter of time until things are better, (4) I can do something practical in the first month after their loss, (5) I can check in on them once or twice, (6) I can learn and grow from experiencing this with them, I can visit them over the next year as their schedule and life permits.
Someone you met is the kind of person you would want to have as a life partner. You are young and available, but they confide that they have a terminal diagnosis with unknown years of life remaining. What would you be open to?
(1) I would avoid them, (2) I would have them as a friend, (3) I would invite them to my home (4) I would date them, (5) I would marry them, (6) I would be parent to their child.
Someone you like in your workplace, class or neighborhood has recently had a miscarriage. What would you likely think?
(1) They probably did something unhealthy, (2) It was not a real person, so it is not a real loss, they should be better soon, (3) They can always have another baby, or they have other children, so the loss is not so bad, (4) I can do something practical in the first month after this loss, (5) I can check in once or twice, (6) I can learn and grow from experiencing this with them, I can visit them over the next year as their schedule and life permits.
How did you score?
If you scored under 40 - you may have a death and grief prejudice.
The next post will discuss these ideas further... your comments are solicited!
Love,
